Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

And yes, i need to start to make a provision for myself too, as much as dd needs to save for a deposit. Both are equally as important.

But there is no guarantee that the daughter would save for her own place, she may just see whatever she has as disposable income

It's perfectly reasonable for your daughter to be paying towards rent and living costs. I would say it's actually a good thing even if you wouldn't need it. That's what growing up is about.

I get it OP. And I don’t think your friend is on your side. She’s unhappy with something in her life and doesn’t want to see you succeeding. There are a lot of people like that.
You can see on this thread people are keen to dig out some sort of future punishment for you for starting to look after your own interests after years of sacrifice.

I do think that a scenario where young adults are contributing to a household can be the same financially but very different emotionally depending on how it’s handled. Your DD sounds great and you don’t need to defend your choices.

I am single with three young adults at home. We get on great. They earn 29k, 42k and 47k. They pay 300 each. That’s around what it costs for extra food and bills. If I mention this some people are aghast at something they don’t like- they are paying too much! Not enough! Lower paid should pay less!

I do think it’s important for everyone to have some kind of goal or end point though. I’ve told mine I will retire and move away from London and when this will happen. So they can visualise a point at which they will need to move out.

Live well OP. You’ve done it. Raised a successful young adult and it’s fine to focus on what you need.

I don’t actually disagree with OP’s basic position (though I don’t think she should be doing all her daughter’s cooking, washing, etc but that’s another issue).

However, she has posted to a message board called Am I Being Unreasonable?, which is aimed at canvassing opinion when posters are unsure about their actions. Yet this OP is quite clearly cast iron certain that she is right, calling other posters who voice dissent ‘nuts’ and telling them they need to get over themselves. So probably not the right message board

Thank you..and I still want to support dd. Its going to be a big adjustment and I'll do what I can to make that easier for her.

Shes not treated like a child, boundaries and things have to shift in the same way as you dont treat an 11 year old in the same way you treat a 5 year old. We will figure it out together.

People have been exceptionally rude. I've responded accordingly.

I don’t really think people have been exceptionally rude. Your irritability jumped out at me though.

But leaving that aside, because it’s a bit subjective and others may disagree with me, why HAVE you posted on a message board called Am I Being Unreasonable? when it is as plain as day you 100% think you’re in the right?

Im tapping out.
This has actually been awful.

I hope some of you have a think about the sorts of things you say to people.

Will you not then after paying 'your half' have £1.2 k.disposable a month, if you earn the same and are splitting the bills?

If you’re genuinely interested in what people think why don’t you just state what you’re charging her and how much she’ll have left over?

Ultimate though, if both you and your daughter are happy it doesn’t matter. As you say, it allows you to live in the house for longer.

You got really cross with a pp who was making a point from her own experience earlier. Maybe she was projecting a bit but she did actually raise a good point that if you are charging her literally half of everything for a rented property, it does kind of negate the parental situation entirely. It sounds like you have a good relationship and she is unproblematic which is great but if ever you feel the need to enforce any parental boundaries (eg you can’t bring so and so home etc) or even rules to do with the house, it will make it difficult.

I agree the daughter should psy towards the running costs.

Maybe the mum should look at getting a part-time job too to subsidise her income. If her daughter moved out she'd still be struggling. She needs to find a way to supplement her income.

The maths wasn’t mathing for me either but I think OP did say she was only talking about bills and not rent?

OP beyond the criticisms there have actually been a lot of people (myself included) who have agreed and supported you, and taken the time to try and balance out some of those other posts. AIBU is a mixed bag and you never know how it’s going to go. I hope that you can at least hold on to the posts which are on your side.

OP what you 2 are doing is absolutely correct, think of it as house share and this is from myself who never charged my 2 sons anything so they could afford their own property one day. One has moved out, the other still here, but pays our holidays and meals out. As long as your DD is ok with paying what she is, she sounds very mature and obviously knows the struggle you would be in if she paid anything less towards the cost of housing.

Ah... maybe so! Dealing with rambunctious toddler at the mo!

You are right and you’ve explained it very eloquently for anyone who wants to understand.

Subsidising your kids so they can save for a deposit is a luxury that not everyone can afford. It sounds like she will still have plenty left over to enjoy and save after paying half. I know that if I was in her position I couldn’t enjoy all that money while my mother struggled to pay for necessities.

Half sounds too much, what will you do if she moves out? I doubt your costs will halve.
I would work out what extra it costs for her to live with you and charge that, your rent won't change, gas and electric have a standing charge that you pay whatever.
She isn't your partner she's your daughter, it's different for a partner and should be split equally, but nothing in the house is actually hers.

She said living costs. That includes rent. The figures don’t add up. If they earn and pay the same and OPs daughter has what OP admitted eventually was around £1500 spare a month, then OP will have the same. So even before her daughter was paying anything, she had around £700//£800 spare a month, so hardly the struggling single mum that she’s tried to say. OP is clearly very sure of her choice so why bother asking if she’s being unreasonable and getting angry when people disagree.AIBU will bring different views, you know what you’re getting by posting here.

Another day, another flouncer. 😂

Fair enough asking her for 5-600 but I don't think it should be half unless you are changing the set of your relationship/household.
If she has to pay half of everything then it's fair for her to treat the house exactly as you would, being able to redecorate as she pleases, have her name on the rent/ council tax etc, you would be housemates rather than the traditional mother daughter set up in terms of the house.

Lots in the house is hers, why would yoi think otherwise?

I wouldn't be in this house if I hadnt been providing for her, I would be in something smaller.. thats the thing, children need bedrooms.

Im loosing uc, cb and csa, those are the things that enabled me to provide for her. As a single income household. So yes, it does cost that much for her to live here.

Are people so far removed from the reality of single parent households?

Just fyo, that £700/ £800 a month ' spare' would have to pay all our clothes, shoes, glasses, haircut, mot, car repair, school trips, school stuff, birthdays, Christmas, any social anything , household items, furniture . For 19 years but actually there were times that the £700 was only £70.

But sure, laugh away..

She can't redecorate the same as I can't. But of course she will have to be on the tenancy and council tax as its a legal requirement.

I also dont throw away being her mum by her having to contribute

@123dontcomeatme A lot of people think their children’s love can be bought, even if that is to the detriment of their own physical or mental health. It’s a testament to your relationship with your daughter that you’re able to agree a way forward that works for you both.

Also, no, I don’t think people appreciate how expensive solo parenting is. We all have our biases I suppose.

I am so sorry you feel that you’re tapping out.
I would really hope that you would get more realistic responses during the day, rather than the overnight stuff that horrifies me constantly.
I can only think that insomnia makes you a bit of a cunt.

Yes, your grown up daughter, who earns more than you, should share the payment for rent. If she was a student I would feel differently, if you were a super high earner, I would feel differently.
BUT, you are working hard to live in your home. Why on earth should you struggle to subsidise her when she has a job. Again, how wonderful to be able to subsidise your adult child. I am pretty sure you would love to be able to do so, but she does have a job.