Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

Also, half living costs is actually just about the same as I will lose in support for her.

She wouldn't be able to rent a room on that amount, let alone bills and food etc on top.

@123dontcomeatme OP, it sounds like you looked after your DD single-handedly (to all intents and purposes) pretty much from birth and have also provided for her financially more or less on your own too, apart from a small contribution from DD's father. Is that correct?

I have been in a similar situation myself: I have looked after DS and DD on my own 100% of the time and provided for them financially completely on my own as well since their father suddenly disappeared 10+ years ago.

Ignore posters who have never been in that position: they can have absolutely no idea of the strain it puts on an individual to have that sole responsibility day in day out for years on end, not to mention how difficult it makes it to work as much as you need to and earn as much as you need to. It's also nigh-on impossible to plan financially for your own future because, when they're minors, the children of course have to come first. It absolutely leaves you "financially screwed" and that's not because of the DC but because of their FATHERS.

And the isolation is unreal, because a) you can't afford to do things others take for granted and b) no one understands your situation.

Hugs to you. I see you and I hear you.

YANBU (and your daughter still has over a grand a month to play with!)

You and your daughter are the only ones who need to be OK with your plan - and you both are, so eff your friend's opinion!

Thank you.
Thats made me cry a bit.
Dds dad hardly saw her, few weekends here and there. A week in the school holidays but not planned so I had to pay childcare anyway.

I used to have to run to and from childcare because I didn't hsve enough time before/ after work to walk ( no car parking)

Then there is the poverty trap. For every pound you earn, universal credit takes 55p. But rents are so high, I think in this area id need to be earning 45k to not be eligible. 45k in this area is a very big wage.

I couldn't afford to do anything, dd always came first. My career stalled because dd comes first, I have no family to help. I hsve no pension and im 47. I can't afford to have one, it's hand to mouth and yet apparently this is still not good enough.

I have no provision for when im older because the last near 20 years have been a fight to get through each day, week, month. And I've done it, dd is doing so great and has secured herself an exceptionally well paying apprenticeship but it's not enough unless im in rags abd she can spend all her money on trainers and fun times.

Of course, if I did this and posted in 5 years time id be called irresponsible for not doing something about it.

Meanwhile her dad stops supporting her at all and doesn't give it a second thought.

I couldn't afford to do anything, dd always came first. My career stalled because dd comes first, I have no family to help. I hsve no pension and im 47. I can't afford to have one, it's hand to mouth and yet apparently this is still not good enough.
I have no provision for when im older because the last near 20 years have been a fight to get through each day, week, month.

It's this, a thousand times this.

And the men just walk away without a care in the world yet WE are the ones who are vilified. I could scream at the injustice.

Ignore your so-called friend. You have done and continue to do an amazing job. Do what you need to.

And dd is nearly 20.

Shes not 18.
Shes in full working employment. With a great wage.

My friend said she stayed in a bad marriage because she couldn't afford to leave. Her children were way older and she had almost no mortgage. She was shocked at current rent prices, totally couldn't believe it. Told me ' but mortgages are so much cheaper '
Well, yes they might be, but ive got no deposit and a terrible credit rating from 20 years of fire fighting financially. She told me dd could save a deposit and I should help and then I can go and live with her.
Stupid.

Absolutely stupid.

1 bed rooms in a hmo, no bills are 550 in my area.
I also just dont understand why im expected to just give up and rot snd have absolutely nothing for my future. Thst isn't what being a mum is.

Actually im so cross. She was a ta and said she couldn't afford to leave and waited till her children were older, then she could work a little more, had equity and could leave.

I was married to someone in the forces. No equity and an abusive relationship so couldn't wait. We weren't even in the UK when we split . I hsve done everything myself. My career was sacrificed, my social life, I had no friends, no love life. No hobbies. Nothing. And if I had a glimmer of the above I couldn't do it because dd would need something and I would put her first. Absolutely as I should do.

But it's still not enough. Because im not earning enough to sub my 20 year old who's earning more than 33k.

That is crazy.

And. Ive had 18, nearly 19 years of giving everything to her. I became so socially isolated because I couldn't afford to go out. I had basically 2 outfits outside of work clothes. Dd wanted for nothing snd id do it all again. But shes nearly 20

None of that is in your DD though, and hopefully you never voice this to her.

Personally, I’d prefer to sit in the dark and live on cuppa soup and let my kids save for their deposits, but admittedly that’s easy to say as I don’t need to do that. To be fair though, I did plan my kids so that absolutely whatever happened they would be financially secure in this regard (to the point of knocking back a few proposals where I knew they wanted children sooner than later, and that would have meant if anything had of gone belly up at any point they, and I, wouldn’t have the life I wanted).

You say you do all the washing and cooking for her. That’s doing her a disservice in the long run.

I don’t think YABU in your situation, 33k is a very good wage for a 20YO and it’s much cheaper than renting elsewhere. I’ve always said I’d never charge my DC rent but I’m very comfortable financially, however if that’s something that changed and my income was low, I’d absolutely consider it.

Yeah, i planned my daughter too.
I just didn't plan for her dad to become an abuser.

Well done you for being better than me.

Also 33k in this area isnt a low income. Its just not. Especially for a woman/ gender pay gap.

it's unfair that you live beyond your means and expect a child of yours to pay.
you needed to downsize and prepare prior to this eventuality.
sounds like poor planning and blaming others all around.
you knew this day was coming multiple years ago.
you now have little choice.

She didn't ask to be born. You didn't have to have a child if it was going to be such a financial struggle. It's not up to your daughter to make it up to you financially. By all means she should make a contribution to living costs but you should also be able to manage financially on your own as the ultimate aim is for her to be independent, not to be your financial crutch now she has a good job.

My parents were always very clear with us that we'd get an allowance up to the age of 18, then if we remained at home after college we'd be expected to work and contribute. 18-21 was a token amount, about 150 a month I think (late 90s). If we wanted to live at home long term after 21, it'd be the local going rate for a rented room.

Our parents didn't need the money - they saved it and gave it back to us when we moved out. But it was absolutely non-negotiable. We hadn't really wanted for much up to that point so it was their way of reminding us that the real world was rapidly approaching. Having said that, we'd both had part time jobs since being 14 so we were used to saving up for things and being responsible.

Not everyone is able to do that though. Parents on a low income, especially a single parent who'll have lost benefits/maintenance etc shouldn't be expected to support an adult child indefinitely. Whatever the child is being asked to pay will almost certainly be less than they'd be paying if they moved out, and they'll still be enjoying home comforts most likely.

I imagine the vast majority of parents would love to help their kids get a deposit together to give them the best possible start, but the reality is that it's not a option for many.

How am I living beyond my means?

I can only assume these are troll posts.

I have had govt support to provide for my dd. Now shes a full time working adult the support is gone. As an adult shes expected to pay her way, which shes capable of doing.

I can downsize but that won't include any space for dd so she would end up worse off.

Honestly this is madness.

How much are you charging her?

Im not giving figures but it's about a third of her wage. Including all food, all bills, all toiletries, househokd stuff. Netflix etc etc

but you've known for years this day was coming, as a young adult nearly finished her education a one bed with a murphy bed could easily house both of you with associated cost saving.
i know why you have to accept her money but i still think you needed to plan and not put her in the position of supporting you.

Shes supporting herself.

How is her paying living costs for herself, her supporting me?

Im paying just a bit more than she is.

Im an adult supporting myself
She is an adult, supporting herself.

This is nuts.

I’ve had this convo with my 18yo.

that as an 18 yo adult they will have to pay council tax and 50% of the bill is fair as I lose the single person discount AND the council tax benefit.
I lose CB
in lose their UC entitlement.

ive laid it all out, the monthly expenses. I make DC plan food for the week and total it up. They see exactly what things cost and what I make so expectations are realistic.

they’re fine with it. It’s completely reasonable request.

I wish I could support more but like yourself 18 yrs or sacrificing a career to raise them. I’m behind and have no one to share the burden with.

comfortable lives cost money, even ones at home.

Why on earth would a 20 year old woman want to move into a one-bed with their mum? Ridiculous. It'd be cramped, no privacy...what if one of them wants to bring a boyfriend around?

Mum can downsize when the kid moves out.

From what OP has said her daughter seems happy to contribute, and to be fair, £33 is a decent first wage for an apprentice. She'll be spending more than a third of her income on rent/bills/food when she does move out.

It is reasonable.

Its totally reasonable that an adult should provide for themselves.

Since when did the bar move thst you were only a decent human if you supported your adult, working full time, child, financially.

I wasn't allowed that luxury and I dont know many that are. House deposits for people have come from relatives passing not living fir free.

Some of these posts make it sound like im an utter failure. Its really horrible.

Im an nhs worker, I work really hard. I earn more than the average woman in my area. Still not good enough.

it might be a cramped lifestyle for 6-12 months but the op would be in a better position to pay for her own needs without her daughters income.
the daughter wouldn't be kicked onto the street two adults sharing a small apartment is perfectly reasonable especially when you know the young adult will be moving out.
she might even have managed some savings.
which the daughter would most likely be grateful for knowing her mom would be able to make ends meet. vs needing her money to survive.
obviously different families approach things differently. i would have begun planning 2 years ahead and not be in a position dependent on the ex's or the dd's money to bail me out.

OP, you seem incredibly sure that you’re doing the right thing so why are you asking?

She will still be able to save. And if she does buy a house then she will have an understanding of the costs involved in running one. Paying your way in life is important. It sounds like you will still be running the house and doing the majority of the chores. I think she is getting a great deal, cheap living costs and a mum who is supporting her to understand the realities of life.

The only thing I would do different is not tell your friends about it.