Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

@EveningSpread

yes OP, go to your GP and get medicated to erase the completely normal thoughts and feelings you are having

FFS

@123dontcomeatme, what happens when your dd wants to move out?

The OP sounds so entitled. Your daughter doesn't owe you financially.

When I lived at home many years ago with my single mum and adult siblings we each paid the same share of the upkeep of the house. Initially as young working adults we always paid keep but hadn’t realised that my mum had absolutely no money left each week after bills etc and once we actually did realise what the situation was we were all more than happy to split the costs between us all. That way we all had some money left each week. Some of us had less than others but that’s another story.

It sounds like your daughter understands the situation and is happy to not be living the high life while her mum is struggling. She sounds lovely.

I am now in the lucky position of being financially stable however we did still charge a token amount from my children once they were out of education. We’ve also helped them at times along the way but for the most part they are both financially savvy, home owners (not with our help) and just generally all round good grounded adults.

And the OP doesn't owe her daughter financially either

I really don’t see what issue people have with your decision.

Adults need to pay their way in life once working.

obviously if you had plenty of spare money you might well let her live for free as long as she was saving but you shouldn’t be going without just so your adult daughter can save.

OP isn't going to be going without, she's building her own saving pot up. She's said it at least twice.

It doesn't make any difference - I would say the OP's need to save is more important, she hasn't been able to while her daughter has been growing up and it's important to think about retirement. The daughter has many working years ahead of her and is still probably paying less than she would be if she wasn't living with her mum.

Expecting someone else to subsidise you, instead of paying your fair share would be entitled behaviour - the OP is not being entitled at all!

My daughter is 20 she pays £70 a week. Anything that doesn't go towards house hold costs I've saved for her. She is 20 crap at saving money and loves spending it!
Doing it this way she's saved without really knowing, it means I was able to pay nearly a grand for a course of driving lessons. If she hadn't paid anything that wouldn't have been possible so although she thought I was being a bit mean at the time she has benefited in the long run.

Our adult son lives with us as he can’t afford to buy a property. He is saving for a deposit.
He eats very little at our house. Uses electricity for showers, washing clothes & internet. Helps us with technology & other household issues.
We don’t need any additional cash. He saves a lot of his salary.
If you need additional funds to pay bills, I’m sure an adult offspring would see the necessity of contributing.

I've been in a similar position lately. My eldest child is 18 and no longer in education. He has been working and is about to go travelling but will need somewhere to stay as a base when he comes back. I could downsize to somewhere with two rather than three bedrooms but then he wouldn't have a place to lay his head. On the sofa, yes, but that's not really any good for weeks and months. My UC has dropped by several hundred pounds which was expected. Once he returns and in full time work, he understands he will be paying a decent contribution to household running costs. It's entirely reasonable and he agrees. We all support our kids in the ways that work for our own circumstances.
Im retraining at the moment so as to earn more once my younger child leaves education as I will not be able to make ends meet on current income alone let alone save for my own retirement.

Well, she's not going to get any better at saving if she doesn't learn how to do it herself!

So, the OP is only in her 40’s so
sounds like she is finally able to save a little for her own future after successfully bringing up her daughter.

Very presumptuous that you think that I have never had to struggle.
Maybe because I have is why I can see that the decisions being made are part of the problem.
Different decisions that 123dontcomeatme have made the problem bigger than it should have been

For every £5 that wasn’t paid into her pension 123dontcomeatme only got £1.62.
But paying that tax free £5 into her pension would have meant £5 less in her pay packet but with UC deductions not being taken from a £5 earned she would have probably ended up with more

Then there is the fact that 123dontcomeatme has a 3 bed home for just her and her dd. Her benefits would be reduced by around 14% because of that extra bedroom.

Whilst running an older car might sound the cheaper option but when you start adding up the costs when the car starts to go wrong, the higher insurance , the higher mpg, higher tax, higher repair costs and depreciation etc

Dd is looking at leasing some for around £100 per month. No tax, no repairs, less fuel costs, less insurance

Sometimes you have to add up exactly what the cost of different decisions and not just think that the hardest way is the one that makes or saves more

£100 a month is an insane amount. It might sound little but there was no way that would hsve been affordable. If we rewind 2 years where my money after bills was about half what it is now, and the car was 2 years less old... then no.
I have no savings, no credit card, no back up. Something like the washing machine breaking would affect me for 6 months. It would have been foolish to add another financial commitment which made things worse. This is thr thing when you are struggling, snd struggling for a lot of years has more impact than struggling for a few... its you don't hsve choice. Its the famous poor man's shoes situation isnt it.

This.

and one day op when you find yourself with no place to live, and really struggling along in life she will tell you to find a better job or sort yourself out.

she’s still your child and paying half is just not ok.

Um. No she won't.
Goodness, I dont know what sort of children you have raised.

We actually had a chat yesterday and have come up with a 5 year plan with a commitment to keep checking in with each other and an understanding that neither of us will leave each other in a worse situation. She said its important to chat about it and it's important that we both feel safe and secure. She knows she could not live anywhere cheaper and certainly wouldn't have the same level of support which she is going to need starting her career. My whole focus for the next 9 ish months will be her and doing what I can to help her. Then once shes settled we will turn to me.

We are a team, we work together and support each other in whichever way we can. Support doesht just have to be financial.

In the end you didn't need mumsnet comments, you both got there on your own. Well done.

Of course you’re not doing anything wrong OP. Some people are so privileged they just can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to be poor. I out-earned both my parents combined by the time I was on 35k and have paid for various things for them because the other option was them being on the streets.

Of course you’re not doing anything wrong OP. Some people are so privileged they just can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to be poor. I out-earned both my parents combined by the time I was on 35k and have paid for various things for them because the other option was them being on the streets.

If you look at the £100 per month cars and compare what you spent on car tax, MOT (the cost of the MOT even if it passed first time) plus what it cost to get it through the MOT, car insurance, other repairs, petrol etc

Add everything up and then add up the extra amounts you have to spend to keep your older car on the road for the next 2 or 3 years Just on fuel costs alone dd will save £1100+ over 2 years (that’s 11 months of the lease just on the cost of getting from A to B)
Take away the cost of the MOT and the repairs if there were any to get it through the MOT plus the cost of servicing the vehicle if you did take it in for a service
Then there is the other repairs you say your self you spent over £700 on repairs.

Car insurance comparison websites give you an indication of the savings for a brand new car v your old car

Your car’s depreciation in value over the next 2 years

It might seem a long winded exercise but dd is seeing how much she can save by driving a brand new car as opposed to one she owns. Around £54 per month

Cars are depreciating assets and it’s one of those things that the older they are the more they cost to keep going.

How much is your car worth and if you sold it could you get rid of debts that have interest going on each month, or just put the money away in Ernie Bonds

Whilst your dd is happy to pay half. What happens if she shows you a cheaper way and you won’t take it. Will she be happy paying for the most expensive version of things that don’t work

Surprised why you would think that £100 per month is so out of reach when you are more than likely spending much more than that and could very well save the cost of the lease agreement and much more.

For got to add that tax is free whilst dd is paying at the moment £26per month £304 per year so 14 months of the lease taken care of just on tax and petrol