Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

And. Ive had 18, nearly 19 years of giving everything to her. I became so socially isolated because I couldn't afford to go out. I had basically 2 outfits outside of work clothes. Dd wanted for nothing snd id do it all again. But shes nearly 20.

Her dad won't feel bad stopping contributing, why is guilt being laid at my door ?
And why is the expectation mums have to keep going without?

The cost of living is always in the news how 2 income families are struggling, but im getting crap and being told to watch it.... because my 1 income isnt enough to support 2 adults.

Nuts.

Really? My mum had a house with a ' dressing room" In reality it was a 3rd bedroom leading off the 2nd that was about 6ft by 5ft.

Doesn't mean house was big.

Ignore all the pp telling you that you should just manage. It's nice that so many parents can survive without contributions from their adult children in full time employment. But we're not all that fortunate. She's happy to pay so all's good.
It's not a good life lesson to have everything provided for you.

I live in a 3 bed. Its not huge.

And yes, loss of uc, child benefit and child maintenance is a lot.

Thanks to the poster for the ' why didn't you get a better job' i do have a good job. I earn above average in my area. My career stalled because being a single parent and providing all care for a child is quite difficult.

I wasn't financially screwed by her, but by her father. Its not an unusual situation, there are a high percentage of single parents in that situation... its the one wage thing, difficult to progress in career due to being only parent, etc, etc. Its not my failing.

Also, to those that are saying ' we didn't take money ' the clue is in the ' we'
Im on my own.
Its either take keep or i move into a 1 bed flat and she has no where to go because I can't keep this house and running costs for 2 people on 1 wage.

To answer the question. If the Dd moves out OP will get 25% council tax reduction, her food bills will be much lower, her utilities will very likely be lower (mine reduced greatly when Ds moved out) & she could even advertise for a paying lodger or downsize.

My eldest dc earns around 2k a month.
We take £100
She's still at uni.
Not because we need it but we feel it teaches them to budget a little.
Out of this £100
She has all her food.
Her phone bill paid
All meals out we pay for

But we just wanted to teach her to give some of that salary up. She does okay out of it id say.
Her dad took her to have her nails done today and paid!

For reference at her age I used to pay £140 a month!

If I needed it I wouldn't hesitate charging her more so don't worry.

I’d probably charge the extra costs of her living there - which is unlikely to be fully half costs. You’d have lost the UC and CMS even if she didn’t live at home, for example. But the loss of the single supplement, higher utilities and food costs wouldn’t be there if he weren’t.

We don’t and won’t charge anything as long as they’re saving a decent amount, but our circumstances are different to yours. If you can’t afford to pay for her, then that’s the end of it. I’d try to make sure that what you charge gives her a chance of saving if you can, but you need to make sure you can afford to live too. Ignore your ‘friend’.

Why is the extra of her living there not likely to be half?

The loss of uc, cb, cms means I wouldn't afford to live here.. its a family home.

Those stop because then the person is an adult who should pay their own way. Thats the law.

And to the poster who said im taking half costs for a house that will never be hers ... it will never be mine either. That's how renting works.

Because you’d have lost UC, CB, and CMS if she lived there or not. That’s how it works. And those accounted for things like her clothes and activities. Are these costs being accounted for in the costs of running the house? If not, then, as you say she should, she is paying her own way for those already. Plus, many of the costs that you’d have/will if/when she moves out.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, I don't see why your daughter shouldn't pay half the household expenses if she has similar income to you. One of the reasons that house prices are so high is because people are subsidising their adult children.

Your daughter may want to save for a deposit but you need to save for a pension! Why are so many women desperate to put themselves last for all their lives?

Our job, as parents, is to raise self sufficient adults (if that is possible), not prop our children up well into "adulthood"

what will your situation be like when she does move out?
i think in your situation (loss of income due to your dd's age) it is NICE if she does contribute a small % towards your costs. certainly not 50%
but it's also the right time for you to evaluate your situation going forward when she does move out, can you afford to live alone without her subsidy?

You are forgetting that the only reason im in this house is because I was providing for her.
The house, council tax, heat, electricity, water, food etc etc are things that are covered by uc, cb, cms. Its not clothes and activities.

Gosh, to be so naieve to the reality.

I have lost these as she is an adult and expected to pay her own way.

Ergo, I would not be providing these things for her. I wouldn't be living in a family home if I was on my own.

My only other thought is, just make sure you will be able to afford to live without her there when she does move out. Not saying you are taking advantage, but my partners parents took a lot from him and his siblings and when they all moved out within a year of each other, their mum had got used to the money and felt she couldn’t live without their contribution. She was taking the piss though and your situation sounds very different. I think most parents that charge are reasonable, they just want the kids to cover what they cost extra.

Id say to anyone could you afford to live alone currently?

To most the answer is no, because we are a two wage household income.

Ffs, it's not a personal failure of mine that I haven't changed society.

I do not know what will happen when she does move out. Hopefully I'll have some savings, I'll certainly down size.

You need her to contribute half the expenses and she's earning the same as you. She's happy to pay. It's none of your friend's business.

Again, I wouldn't live here when she moves out

Ill downsize.

Your friend is being a dick, not everybody can afford to let their adult children stay at home free of charge. I’m sure if you could you would but you can’t, she doesn’t sound like a very good friend if she’s trying to make you feel bad.

I don't see any issue with her taking on half the living costs.

But from post one, you sound very bitter. Talk of how it's the law for adults to pay their way and 'why should she do as she pleases'. Im sorry you've spent 19 years financially screwed, but she didn't ask to be born.

Yes, I understand that, but it’s still possible to get used to the extra money and not be able to afford to live the lifestyle you have got used to. My partners mum downsized but had got so used to the extra money, which was well above what was needed, that she still struggled.

In your circumstances I would do exactly the same. Looks like she is having a good stsrt in her career if she's going to outearn you soon.

My advice would be to take from your daughter sufficient to be able to manage the bills now that you have lost financial support for her. She is not always going to be at entry level in her job and one day she (like I) will be able to aford to move out.

My parents even took money from me when I was on a training course and only half salary. It was not a nominal amount. In order to go on the course I had to promise that my mother would still get as much as if I was working full time rather than working and studying. I never forgot that, It made me conscious of the value of money and what it could do. My sister had an unplanned child and was no longer working. So my mother came to tell me that she wanted more money from me. There we were, 5 of us in a tiny terraced house with only 2 bedrooms. I was supposed to work to keep my sisters child. I had recently completed my studies and was promoted up to professional grade. I kept quiet about the increase in salary because I was waiting for a new build flat to be completed. When I told her I was moving out in a week my mother went hysterical. How are we supposed to manage on 1 mans wage? It was no longer my problem.

That's what I did with my two DCs. They paid what it cost to keep them because that way I didn't take a financial hit when they moved out.

Yes.
Which is what half costs are.

Otherwise id be not be living here..

I don't think i sound bitter, I think it sound like someone who's been a single parent for nearly all dds life snd has weathered all the difficulties that brings. Not dds fault but not mine either.

We tell women to leave abusive relationships, but then berate them that they haven't done well enough. Its really very very unfair.