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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for a week. Dismayed by how little I miss him.

245 replies

Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:14

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

  • that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
  • that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
  • that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”
Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?
OP posts:
Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:17

Its different when you know they are coming back, if he was permanently leaving you'd likely feel differently (better or worse). It probably does show that carving some time for yourself is important.

that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.

This is sad though, do you not feel its worth making a proper, balanced meal for yourself?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/08/2025 09:20

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:17

Its different when you know they are coming back, if he was permanently leaving you'd likely feel differently (better or worse). It probably does show that carving some time for yourself is important.

that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.

This is sad though, do you not feel its worth making a proper, balanced meal for yourself?

Interesting - I see the total opposite - why can’t she just do pasta and sauce occasionally for her DH instead of feeling the need to cook a full meal.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/08/2025 09:21

Don't beat yourself up about it. Perfectly normal to enjoy being more relaxed and autonomous.

Maybe use this to make sure you both get time apart in the future.

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:24

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/08/2025 09:20

Interesting - I see the total opposite - why can’t she just do pasta and sauce occasionally for her DH instead of feeling the need to cook a full meal.

Edited
Show quote history

Well yes if he wants something specific he should cook himself, presumably hes capable of doing so. Something balanced doesn't have to take longer than boiling some pasta and mixing in a sauce.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 21/08/2025 09:24

Your examples seem minimal to be honest.

And I think many of us actually quite like it when their OH is away for a week or so. Only having yourself to please and think about is refreshing. My DH used to work away for weeks at a time and I enjoyed having the bed to myself, cooking things only I liked that he didn't, watching what I wanted on the TV and having my own new routine for a while. I didn't feel like I missed him as such.

I am pretty sure he liked being on his own for a little while too and only having himself to think about, and please.

I think as humans we sometimes crave alone time and need that break.

Ultimately though I was glad when he came home as I love him and he is my best friend (yuk, I know!) Life would be shit without him full time.

YumYa · 21/08/2025 09:26

Yes I agree if he'd left or God forbid died then you'd probably feel different?

I know what you mean though. Dh is semi retired and when he rarely goes anywhere without me I enjoy me time. I work as am a lot younger, so get time away then. Plus I go places with friends and my adult dcs. But time alone at home can be nice (in short term)

Do you still work or go out for hobbies or volunteer?

Whatshesaid96 · 21/08/2025 09:28

I'm a lot younger than you but I am similar when my husband goes away for work. I just get in the flow of routine and dealing with the kids on my own. He then disrupts the calm organisation when he is back home. I love him to bits and would be lost without him permanently but sometimes it's just 'easier'.

Extraenergyneeded · 21/08/2025 09:28

Very reasonable.
We all need a break and time to do what we want without being watched/ judged.

Dox9 · 21/08/2025 09:29

Reframe it as enjoying your own company rather than not missing him. Put a positive spin on the situation.

Overthebow · 21/08/2025 09:30

I don’t think I’d miss DH much if he was away for a week. Sometimes a bit of time apart isn’t a bad thing and you can concentrate on yourself for that week. I would hugely miss him if he was away for longer though.

Cynic17 · 21/08/2025 09:32

All sounds completely normal, OP, but why on earth can't you give him pasta and sauce for dinner?!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/08/2025 09:32

I think it’s quite normal to enjoy doing everything your own way without having to consider another person. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him. I love my kids very much, the house would be a lot tidier if they weren’t here.

RoosterPotato · 21/08/2025 09:33

I think this is totally normal. I love having time to myself when DH travels. And as you say, making what you want to eat, when you want it without having to consider anyone else. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him.

But I think all the other posters are correct that this is a very different mindset to knowing they’ve left forever.

KimberleyClark · 21/08/2025 09:33

My DH used to have to go away a lot,either for work or to see to his aged mum and I used to enjoy having the house to myself for a few days and do stuff I wouldn’t normally do. I think this is quite normal and doesn’t mean there is anything amiss with the marriage. Quite the opposite in our case.

Cinaferna · 21/08/2025 09:34

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/08/2025 09:20

Interesting - I see the total opposite - why can’t she just do pasta and sauce occasionally for her DH instead of feeling the need to cook a full meal.

Edited
Show quote history

That's what I thought. Just do pasta with sauce, bag of salad and if he wants to add olives or fresh herbs or grated parmesan he can. Nothing wrong with that as amain meal once or twice a week.

Cinaferna · 21/08/2025 09:35

I love DH but he is retired and a total home body. I work away from home a lot, so he gets the house to himself often. I never do. I long for him to go away so I can have that solitude and my own rhythm.

PestoHoliday · 21/08/2025 09:36

Time to enjoy your own company is valuable. There's nothing wrong with appreciating that, at any stage of life.

SunnySideDeepDown · 21/08/2025 09:37

I think this is normal in long term relationships. Being with anyone all the time is a lot. A lot of unsaid expectations and responsibilities that don’t exist when solo.

Enjoy the peace!

GoodLaudanum · 21/08/2025 09:37

This is why I am so content to not have to live with someone. The peace, the freedom, the solitude is all golden to me.
I love it.

ForFunGoose · 21/08/2025 09:37

You could make some changes going forward.
Simplify the meal plan, take up a hobby or class outside the home. Make sure ye have time apart and have news for each other.

Starlight7080 · 21/08/2025 09:38

I think its normal. Mini breaks are good for longterm relationships .
One of my friends is very happy in her relationship of 22 years and she puts it down to them not actually living together. They live near but have a few nights a week apart for sanity reasons.

JLou08 · 21/08/2025 09:38

I think it's normal in a long term secure relationship. I love some time alone.

ohfook · 21/08/2025 09:38

I don’t miss mine when he works away. I love him a lot but he was dismayed to find that my life is a little easier and not harder when he’s not there. Interesting that the opposite true when I (very rarely) go away though!

travailtotravel · 21/08/2025 09:39

Totally normal. I am sick of H just being there ... all tge time, not really doing much with his life and wasting away at it, that he's lost the D bit if DH. Also totally normal on the food if I lived on my own I'd be perfectly healthy as I eat well but o ly 'cook' 3-4 tines a week..

MyLimeGuide · 21/08/2025 09:42

Can I have your husband please?