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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for a week. Dismayed by how little I miss him.

245 replies

Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:14

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

  • that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
  • that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
  • that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”
Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?
OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 21/08/2025 09:49

When dh goes away, which is for a fortnight at a time, it takes a while for me to decide that I do, really miss him.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:49

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:17

Its different when you know they are coming back, if he was permanently leaving you'd likely feel differently (better or worse). It probably does show that carving some time for yourself is important.

that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.

This is sad though, do you not feel its worth making a proper, balanced meal for yourself?

Sad? It’s great! lol 😊
But you are possibly right about knowing he is coming back. I do have my own interests but it’s having the house to myself 24/7 which I am really enjoying.

OP posts:
CoralOP · 21/08/2025 09:49

It's just lovely to have peace and quiet sometimes, to just not have anyone talk to you and ask questions!

I assume you are introverted and need more alone time going forward x

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:50

Chamomileteaplease · 21/08/2025 09:21

Don't beat yourself up about it. Perfectly normal to enjoy being more relaxed and autonomous.

Maybe use this to make sure you both get time apart in the future.

Thank you. This is the kind of reassurance which makes me feel better 🌺

OP posts:
ObtuseMoose · 21/08/2025 09:52

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:17

Its different when you know they are coming back, if he was permanently leaving you'd likely feel differently (better or worse). It probably does show that carving some time for yourself is important.

that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.

This is sad though, do you not feel its worth making a proper, balanced meal for yourself?

Ffs, the food police never miss a chance to make someone feel bad. Sad my arse.

YumYa · 21/08/2025 09:53

Cinaferna · 21/08/2025 09:35

I love DH but he is retired and a total home body. I work away from home a lot, so he gets the house to himself often. I never do. I long for him to go away so I can have that solitude and my own rhythm.

Maybe book yourself time away somewhere quiet?

olderbutwiser · 21/08/2025 09:53

I feel exactly the same way when my equally excellent DH goes away.

And I know he feels the same when I go away.

But we’re surprisingly pleased to see each other when we’re all home again.

Perfectly healthy and normal!

Fupoffyagrasshole · 21/08/2025 09:54

has he never went away before?

we have lazy dinners regularly not a home cooked meal every single day we are too tired.

love when my husband is away or on a night out! the house to myself once the kids are in bed - bliss!!

I sometimes find it a bit easier to just eat early with the kids and get them in bed then get in bed and watch something myself! get ourselves in a nice routine!!

Love my husband and hes a great dad - but when he gets in from work he can sometimes set the kids a bit wild with games they play and gets them all hyped up before bed hahaha!

A balance of both is great i think

Mischance · 21/08/2025 09:54

Good heavens - don't beat yourself up about it! It's normal.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:54

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 21/08/2025 09:24

Your examples seem minimal to be honest.

And I think many of us actually quite like it when their OH is away for a week or so. Only having yourself to please and think about is refreshing. My DH used to work away for weeks at a time and I enjoyed having the bed to myself, cooking things only I liked that he didn't, watching what I wanted on the TV and having my own new routine for a while. I didn't feel like I missed him as such.

I am pretty sure he liked being on his own for a little while too and only having himself to think about, and please.

I think as humans we sometimes crave alone time and need that break.

Ultimately though I was glad when he came home as I love him and he is my best friend (yuk, I know!) Life would be shit without him full time.

Thanks. Yes, the examples are minimal and I was surprised at them myself. These were just 3 examples and lots of these added up over a few days. Posts like yours are putting my mind at rest. And maybe he’s glad to get away from me for a week!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:56

YumYa · 21/08/2025 09:26

Yes I agree if he'd left or God forbid died then you'd probably feel different?

I know what you mean though. Dh is semi retired and when he rarely goes anywhere without me I enjoy me time. I work as am a lot younger, so get time away then. Plus I go places with friends and my adult dcs. But time alone at home can be nice (in short term)

Do you still work or go out for hobbies or volunteer?

Oh yes I’ve got hobbies and I see other people socially. It’s having the house to myself 24/7 that I am REALLY enjoying. But I can see from other posts that others feel the same way.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/08/2025 09:56

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:24

Well yes if he wants something specific he should cook himself, presumably hes capable of doing so. Something balanced doesn't have to take longer than boiling some pasta and mixing in a sauce.

Show quote history

My point was more that she should feel able to cook a simple pasta and sauce meal without feeling pressured to cook something “proper” or balanced every single night.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:57

Extraenergyneeded · 21/08/2025 09:28

Very reasonable.
We all need a break and time to do what we want without being watched/ judged.

Thanks 🌺.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/08/2025 09:58

I love it when its my partners turn to take our son to visit family over one of the half term breaks. I think its really normal to enjoy time to yourself especially as you get older. I do miss them by the end of the week though!

YumYa · 21/08/2025 10:00

@Bleachedlevis yes I totally understand that. Pottering about alone.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 10:02

Some nice reassuring posts. Thank you. I was motivated to start this thread because I woke up this morning and thought “Oh no, it’s my last full day to myself”
I am amused though by the focus of a couple of posters on my pasta and sauce meal 🤣. I could have said “quick ham sandwich “ or “ egg on toast” - it was an example.
I could point out that it was my own homemade sauce to make it sound less “sad” 😊

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 21/08/2025 10:03

We spent the vast majority of our marriage apart Monday to Friday, it was absolutely perfect. Living together full time took a lot of adjustment. I think you’d feel entirely different if he was away for months or, God forbid, was never coming back. A week without mine would be really nice - and I love him to bits.

theemmadilemma · 21/08/2025 10:03

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:17

Its different when you know they are coming back, if he was permanently leaving you'd likely feel differently (better or worse). It probably does show that carving some time for yourself is important.

that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.

This is sad though, do you not feel its worth making a proper, balanced meal for yourself?

This first paragraph is very important.

You can change some things you've listed, but removing someone from your life is more permanent.

I can relate to plenty you've said. But there's a time of day I miss DH most days and when the week becomes 2 or more things start to feel a little different.

boxofbuttons · 21/08/2025 10:03

God I love having the house to myself. My husband worked away for a month last year and I absolutely loved it - I was happy when he was back because he's great, but I've only lived on my own for 5 months ever, between house shares, and the experience of being entirely by myself and having nobody to have to consider about anything, ever, was brilliant. Everything stayed where I put it, never had to consider anyone else for food or washing or plans, watched whatever I want on TV and never had to tiptoe to avoid waking someone up in the morning etc etc - all entirely normal sharing-a-house things that aren't bad and everyone has to do them (and it's not like I'm cursing him for them the rest of the time!), but it was so nice to live completely selfishly. I do think it'd lose its shine eventually - I also love having someone to chat to at the end of the day and someone to bring me a cup of tea in the morning and cooking together and stuff. But the contrast was so nice.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 10:04

Dox9 · 21/08/2025 09:29

Reframe it as enjoying your own company rather than not missing him. Put a positive spin on the situation.

Good advice 🙂

OP posts:
AgentPidge · 21/08/2025 10:05

Yes, I feel exactly the same as you, OP. DH goes to visit his DPs for a few days every couple of months. I get to move around the house without someone getting in the way. If I want to read a book or laze in bed I can, without feeling I should be looking as though I'm doing something more productive. It's a lot easier to get the place clean and tidy with only one person here. I have friends round for dinner too, without feeling I'm excluding him. Enjoy your free time! I actually look forward to him going, but always appreciate him that little bit more when he comes back.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 10:05

Cynic17 · 21/08/2025 09:32

All sounds completely normal, OP, but why on earth can't you give him pasta and sauce for dinner?!

He won’t eat it.

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 21/08/2025 10:05

Honestly, OP, it's fine. You're just enjoying having some space to yourself for a change. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I've had the kids at home most of the holiday and in a week and a half, I'll be pushing them out the door to nursery and school and enjoying the blessed silence.

If my DH suddenly announced that he was going to start working from home, he'd find himself in mortal danger. I think when we retire we're going to have to live separately (maybe next door?) otherwise I'll go mad 😂.

What you need is the equivalent of a man-cave.

CrispieCake · 21/08/2025 10:06

Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 10:05

He won’t eat it.

Show quote history

Could he not make himself a sandwich?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/08/2025 10:06

Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 10:05

He won’t eat it.

Show quote history

So let him cook for himself and sort yourself a simple meal if that's what you fancy.

We're "odd" by MN standards but DH and I never eat the same meal for dinner.

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