DH away for a week. Dismayed by how little I miss him.

[Bleachedlevis]

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

• that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
• that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
• that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”

Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?

I love having the house to myself and enjoying the space away from emotional load. It doesn't matter how "helpful" a partner is, if they're dependent on you for information, guidance or if you need to make accommodations for them - then it's lovely to feel the absence of that burden for a period of time. I used to stick a pin in the map, book an airbnb and have a weekend away every few months. It does me the world of good and DH can play games in his pants and eat biscuits all day for all I care. We are always happy to see each other again and get along well - doesn't mean I want to be with him constantly though! In a similar vein, I adore my 15 year old DS - but I'm ready for school to resume!

Enjoy your time alone, do whatever you like and yes it's absolutely fine to not miss someone!

Getting enough time to enjoy on our own is drastically underrated and undervalued in a society that pivots around coupledom.

Its lovely to have time on your own OP, to be relieved of always considering the wants/needs of others and only ahveing to make decisions for our self.

Its OK to enjoy this time.

Moving forwards, why not shake things up a bit. You don't have to cook a proper dinner every night, or iron anything at all.

Before we got married, we both admitted that we were worried about never having time alone. So we’ve always arranged things so that we each get a week here, a few days there, even when the kids were small. Now they’re gone it’s easier to arrange and still vital to us.

“Are you missing me?”

“Not yet, no.”

”Likewise. See you next week.”

So I don’t think you should be concerned at all.

we are in our late 50's (so maybe not technically older generation yet) But I do the same, if I go out for lunch or dinner, my husband only has to open the fridge for a cold plate or sandwich for lunch, or pop a meal that I made for his dinner in the microwave or airfryer to heat. I am flying up to Canada for 2 weeks in just under 3 weeks, and am making bigger meals and freezing a portion so that by the time I leave he will have 14 frozen meals in the freezer. Lunch and Breakfast obvs he is on his own (can't make 14 days worth of sandwiches lol) but I will make some pizzas that he can throw on the pizza stone, and spring rolls and empanadas for the freezer. It works for us, and honestly, since we retired, I haven't cleaned a toilet or washed a floor, and never have cut the grass , or shoveled snow

I’m sure loads of people enjoy a little break and I truly, truly don’t mean this badly OP… but would you not know that? I don’t like posts where womeone is complaining about a parent and womeone says ‘just be glad you still have them’ so I’m not that person. I’m really not. But honestly? I have no idea why you felt you needed mass reassurance that it was ok to enjoy a week on your own.

I am 53, DH is 57, and no way would I make freezable meals for DH if I went away. He has hands.

It’s ok. I accept you don’t mean it badly. I know it’s ok to enjoy a week on my own. The motivation to start the thread was that, this morning I thought “ Shit! He’s back tomorrow and I don’t want him back yet. I want at least another week!” Then I felt bad because I thought I wouldn’t even be able to welcome him back and could I face 24/7 again with little respite?
But I feel great now. Tbh I couldn’t wait for him to go. I was practically doing a little dance when he left and enjoyed my freedom so much that it made me imagine life without him… that is at the bottom
of my discomfort ( which I haven’t admitted to in the thread before).

Sigh.

What this thread says to me is that women are still living like 1950s housewives and they’ll swoon if a man ‘gets the ironing board out for me’ or ‘doesn't leave things for me to pick up’. Women precooking meals if, God forbid, they have to go out and a grown ass man (who presumably is fully functioning in his professional life) but can’t be trusted to feed himself. 🙄

Jeez, I’ve never read anything so depressing in a long while.

OP, I think you should get your DH to cook some meals and stop going shopping with your DH. I never go shopping with DH. We order everything online and all our time together is fun time.

That's no way to live. Is he abusive

I've not read all the replies so I apologise for that, when my DH started working away I missed him terribly. Now I get the bunting out and love having time with the dogs and not picking up after another person. If he left permanently, I would miss him as a person, I love him but sometimes it's nice to have time to myself.

Is there anyway of carving your own space somewhere, summer house?

Are you kidding!! Did you read my original post? It’s not the “way I live” either. It was just that my freedom made me imagine life on my own and I didn’t like that those thoughts popped into my mind. Anyway, this thread has reached the point where it’s disappearing up its own backside 😀

Oh My God - people on here just love jumping to conclusions don't they!

Surprised it took so long tbh 🙄

I see my partner one week in each month as he lives in a different city. I’ve come to really really value my peace, he’s arriving tomorrow for a long weekend and although there’s a part of me which is looking forward to seeing him, there’s another part which isn’t looking forward to my peace being disturbed and all the small compromises I’ll make over the next few days to accommodate him in my home.

It makes me wonder whether he’s the right person for me, or if I am just too set in my ways and protective of my own self and space to live with someone again. I was married for 25 years and I’m just so delighted when I’m by myself and not making my wants and needs smaller for someone else.

I would feel like in my marriage. Often with the children it was a bit easier when he wasn’t there as I had complete control over things without his opinion (he isn’t controlling)
Then for a period he had some bad mental health and left me - seemingly permanently.
I was so devastated- missed him terribly and our marriage and our family set up.
How you feel is normal but if you are happy together and no major issues please believe me that I wouldn’t wish the devastation and unhappiness I experienced on my worst enemy.

Friend of DH has been with his partner since they were sixteen. Now late sixties. They don't live together because they get on each other nerves after a week or so. They've never cheated on each other but are both independent and stubborn.50 years of living apart together one lives in the north of England the other in Wales. An unusual arrangement

Nah! It’s how people are. Men and women are different. No argument. The world isn’t made of rampant feminists and bastard- misogynists with a few switched on self aware people who get it right. Smug Marrieds in Bridget Jones? 🤮 We are just people with all our foibles and idiosyncrasies.
As for 1950s housewives, that was a bit of a myth, especially in working class households.

PS - yes I am glad he doesn’t leave stuff lying around for me to pick up. If he did, do you think I’d pick up? I’d say “Whyhave you left socks and underwear on the bedroom floor?who the fuck do you think is going to move them? Not me.”

Your husband sounds lovely

I was thinking about posting. My husband is always away. He works a full time job, then does extra after that usually out of the house 6am til 8pm. He goes to his brothers to help him with his business on a Friday and doesn't come home until Sunday late. Im so bloody lonely, ive tried to tell him but he ignores me. So whilst its nice to have some time alone be happy you have someone who loves you enough to be around xx

I’m so sorry 🌺

Oh it's bliss when you get some alone time, love it! We all need some time to ourselves. Xx

I'm younger and have baby/toddler in the house, but I think sometimes we just need space! (Long time since I've had that) but it's soo nice to just potter as you please, watch and eat what you want without having to think of the other person. It's a nice break but I imagine if it was to be permanent you would miss it