DH away for a week. Dismayed by how little I miss him.

[Bleachedlevis]

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

• that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
• that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
• that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”

Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?

lol! Quite possible!

My situation is different to yours in that I live alone full time and love it but I wanted to comment on some people thinking your pasta and sauce is sad. I think they missed the point about you not HAVING to make a proper meal for two, it's the feeling of obligation you feel free from rather than not caring for yourself.

I enjoy cooking and cook for myself most days, if I don't cook fresh I usually have something homemade in the freezer but every now and again I just can't be bothered and will eat cheese and biscuits or beans on toast. When I did live with someone and took responsibility for cooking every night it felt like a chore because I didn't feel I could just say it's cheese and biscuits for dinner on the days I was all out of energy for cooking.

I very much love my wife, I miss her when she’s gone, but that doesn’t take away the simple pleasure of having the house to yourself. It’s a novelty. And it’s so refreshing to only have to think of yourself. Living with someone 24/7 means constantly having to be considerate of one another. Not in a bad way, just in a normal two adults functioning together in the same house. It doesn’t feel bad when it’s happening but it does make having some time alone feel quite nice. But maybe that’s just me lol

Absolutely! @Bleachedlevis

I know what you are saying and I appreciate it but it’s not so much ‘taking time to myself’ - I do that - it’s selfishly having the house all to myself that I don’t get enough of. But I freely admit that that is pretty selfish and a luxury.

I love the peace and quiet when DH is away. I really crave silence but when he is at home the TV goes on the minute he gets up and doesn't go off until the minute he goes to bed. Every single day. I also love having the bed to myself and get so much better quality sleep.

When I was in my mid-20s I lived alone for a while. In my first flat that I could afford alone. I absolutely adore it. Met my soon-to-be-husband shortly after and moved him in after 9 months.
20 years on, I still miss living alone. I don't regret marrying him, but I do always wish I had more living alone time. Time totally alone is something I really crave and it recharges me.
On the odd occasion I get the house to myself I LOVE it and it always feels like it ends too soon.

I think your feelings are normal 😁

@FOJN , I didn't miss it, but once you are bereaved or whatever, it is easy to lose your appetite and not feel arsed to cook.

Eating something quick and easy or calorific because your DH is away for a few days can be fun and liberating.

@Crikeyalmighty Ooh, cheese on toast. Adding this, together with another poster’s “bag of salad eaten with fingers” to my rotating meal plan for nights DP is out (I’m blessed with regular alone time). Lorelai Gilmore pours dressing directly into the salad bag, which I am here for.

I’m on another long-running thread about the inertia we all feel when our DHs/DPs are home and we’re trying to do something. It’s a similar feeling: theoretically you should be able to have 6pm wine and Mumsnet with someone around, but it hits different solo!

It's not about missing something, it's the little break, where you can be a bit selfish.

DH used to go to conference, before DC, and I loved eating whatever I liked, cooking small portions etc. and hogging the TV. Now I look forward to DH & DS going on Scout camp as DD & I can do things we enjoy without having to consider what they like. We also get a sneaky take away as it's unaffordable with the amount DH/DS eat. The break from cooking massive meals, the quiet & being a bit selfish is the only break I get. I'm glad to see them whether come home.

I love the absolute bones off of DP and would be devastated if she were gone.

That doesn't mean I don't absolutely love the rare occasions her and DD go away by themselves for a few days and I've got the house to myself though.

Its true the other way round as well, I love a holiday with DP, but I'll also try and go away for a couple of days by myself at some point during the year, just to have a couple of days where I can do exactly as I choose, what I want, when I want.

It's lush precisely because it's a novelty. It's different from the norm, and in no way the way I'd want my life to be on a daily basis.

Yes totally normal! We both get opportunities to have the house to ourselves. I do a job where I go away a couple of nights several times a year and he supports a football team abroad so often goes away for a weekend to do that. We each enjoy the few nights to ourselves! (In fact when he does his weekends away they are usually Fri to Mon and I'll take one or both days off so I can really enjoy it 😂)

We always look forward to the other coming back though. Although I get your 'last day' thing!

I also have a DH who would not have anything like "pasta and sauce" for dinner (unless it was a very meaty homemade bolognaise). He HAS to have meat, at least 2 veg, a starch, AND a salad, plus wine, every single evening. Luckily he does the cooking so it's really his problem but I do sometimes wish we could just have something simple for a change. We eat very late because he always has to cook a big production. I'd be quite happy with baked potato or an omelette but to him that's "children's food" if eaten in the evening.

In my life I am the one who goes away for up to a week at a time, leaving him at home. I love it, being in a hotel on my own, lying on the bed all evening, vegging out, eating Thai takeaways (which he doesn't like) and watching rubbish. I don't feel bad about it at all.

I love nothing more than when DH leaves, even when I still have kids to manage. He knows this, I often tell him. He loves it when I'm absent too. We don't take it personally, we both understand it!

This sums it up perfectly and is my sentiment too.

I absolutely crave time alone, and totally get it OP.

Interesting thread. I love being in the house myself but when he's at home my husband much prefers me to be around.

I have a friend whose husband works away a fair bit; four or five days at a time. She says, when they hear this, men usually say "That must be lonely" whereas women often say "That must be quite nice"

Yes agree. I love it when dh away with work. Same as you really in circumstances but when he retires he has to get hobbies as he can be very needy when he gets bored. This will drain me as I like alone time and have a routine.

100 per cent! My dh is going away overseas for two nights next month and i can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to it. 60s. Married 26 years. No problems. It’s just the peace and quiet and not having the “what’s for dinner?” asked. Trivial I know but it’s going to be utter bliss just me and the cat x

I’m in my 30s and pre children was always absolutely ecstatic when DH would go away! Just such bliss having no “demands” for attention. I think after 10 days I would start to miss him and also start getting sleep deprived because without another person being sensible I will do daft things like stay up reading until 2am. Now that we have children, him being away isn’t fun it’s just stressful for me - but for my birthday he got me a night alone at a fancy hotel and that was utter bliss! I don’t think it means there is anything wrong with your relationship, but probably if you’ve only realised alone time is nice in your 70s (!) you should perhaps intentionally carve it out more - book a long weekend at a cottage on your own or cart him off to another relative for a long weekend every 4 months or so?

My DH is also away for 10 days at the moment - I love the fact that the house is clean and tidy - no accumulation of mugs, glasses and cutlery lurking by the sink! No getting up multiple times during the night for the loo and waking me up every single time, or deciding to make a cup of tea because he is up! I have slept better than I have for ages too. However, just when I am thinking how nice it is to be alone, I start to feel guilty for thinking just that!!

What's important is to have a balanced diet. Every meal doesn't have to be balanced. There's nothing wrong with a quick, low-effort meal. Also, what is unbalanced about pasta with sauce (which presumably contains some vegetable matter)?

It's fine to feel this way, OP. When you share your home and your life all the time, it's perfectly normal to enjoy having it to yourself for a bit!

Or why can't he do it?

The boot is on the other foot in this household. It's me that goes away the most and I know that my DH enjoys me not being here.

It's not that he doesn't love me, or doesn't want me to come back, but he enjoys having the time to himself, to do what he wants when he wants, to eat what he wants when he wants. No-one else to consider.

I am encouraging DS and DH to go and visit a tank museum they have been to before, and make a long weekend of it so I can have some vegetation time, or clear out that cupboard in peace and quiet, or whatever takes my fancy.

I love it when my DH is away. Despite two teenagers always around the house it just feels so calm and peaceful and no one to consult on decisions.