DH away for a week. Dismayed by how little I miss him.

[Bleachedlevis]

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

• that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
• that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
• that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”

Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?

This is my life, and I would find it very hard to give it up even for love.

My clean washing has been sitting on the end of the dining table since Sunday because I didn't get around to it at the weekend, and I had a picnic team of fun finger food that didn't require cooking. My life is very zen. I have a big job and I like the quiet time to recharge.

i like doing my meal plans. I like cooking. I do have a life outside with hobby groups, outings and friends. I don’t spend my life in my home. I had a professional career for nearly 40 years.

Do you know if he is missing you? Is he glad to be having a break from having to put the ironing board away.

I totally get it, I am 64 married 35 years, very happy, but it’s nice having the house to myself. My go to food is also pasta and sauce, DH hates pasta. I can watch whatever rubbish on tv without feeling like I shouldn’t, although he never says anything, the longest I have with DH is about 7 hours when he goes to football, we do miss each other but I get so much done when he’s not here.

I think not pining for DH when he’s away for the week is healthy. I love my DH very much and we do lovely things together, but if he’s away for a few days, it gives me time to be me. I can watch things he might not like, yes there’s less mess, and I can enjoy doing my own thing. Just because we couple up, we shouldn’t lose our own identity. Living with anyone, even when we love them is a daily compromise. When we’re on our own, we totally relax.

Isn’t this normal? I love my DH, I love my DC, I love my family, I love my friends and when I’m with them all I’m very happy. But when I’m left alone? Oh, I am so content. I can be me, do whatever I want, have my own headspace and relax in a way I don’t when anyone else is around. DC are little but I still have the ‘what would I do if they all went away for a week?’ fantasies. I like time by myself to reset. I thought this was quite normal and healthy. DH is going on a night out soon and I’m excited that after DC go to sleep I get the place to myself!

Totally normal, I love my husband to death, he still makes me a bit giddy, but I still revel in it when he goes away for a few days for almost the exact same reasons as you 😂

If he was gone for good, you'd be looking at the iron knowing no one is going to put it away but you 💜 it's good to keep those things in mind. Keeps you in the present.

“Big Job” 🙄

We all need space ( well some don’t I know) but I know I certainly do and when retired a lot of people don’t get nearly enough in my opinion - and that’s either way not just women . Create some for yourself OP , go on holiday with a friend maybe too and if he follows you round like a sheep then suggest he develops some interests that get him out

I spoke to my DS yesterday and I said that I do appreciate how much housework DH does. He never leaves stuff lying around for me to pick up and he does 95% of ironing, bed making, hoovering, dusting. I do the deep cleaning. Yes, you can have him for one week 6 times a year. 😀

I find it good to embrace the bits you can indulge in, claim it as positive.
DH has been away for a few days which happens from time to time. My adult children and I view it as Pasta Fest.

DH likes pasta maybe once a fortnight whereas whenever he's away we eat a different pasta meal every night until he gets home. We also watch the dirt of sci-fi and fantasy series he can't be doing with.

When I am away it's Carnivore Carnival, where they have lamb and all the stinky meat dishes I don't like because the stink out the kitchen, and watch horror movies or testosterone bollocks like Jason Statham films, because I am not keen on those.

Having the space to relax completely and please only yourself is a good thing to appreciate. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong in the relationship.

It's funny how I read the comments in the op thinking it's sad that op can't serve that as a meal for two and you've read it as being sad that she doesn't cook herself a proper meal. Surely he can put up with an easy meal every now and then (or do his own cooking).

It’s still different doing it for two, at the table, with someone hanging around going “Do you want red or white wine? Shall I make a pudding?” Sometimes you want the silence and solace of girl dinner: my mum used to wax lyrical about my dad going away occasionally, so she’d be able to eat things alone without fuss – a boiled egg and soldiers eaten standing at the counter, leaving the plate and crumbs til evening when she’d have a fridge forage, and only then clear up. It’s a different vibe and I suspect for OP it’s not about pasta and sauce, it’s about the vibe of the pasta and sauce. Book and bowl of pasta for one is different to conversation and pasta for two, that’s all.

We’re similiar. There are only a handful of meals that DH and I enjoy together.

He prefers mostly convenience food but he works out a lot so he can handle the heavier calories that come with it while I can’t and prefer to cook, make my own sauces, etc..

I love when I get time to myself because it is so rare. Being at home is not that relaxing to me and it’s even more rare that I get the whole house to myself. Can’t even say I get it once a year.

We have been happily married for almost 30 years.

Both regularly travel for work, and both take vacations with other friends for our specific hobbies.

We don't miss each other when doing these things/the other is off. A break is nice.

Sounds like you should take some more time to yourself.

I think its the sign of a pretty healthy relationship to be honest. You don't need to pine and miss someone to love them and be happy with them.

My DH and I have always enjoyed and thrived on time away from one another. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Enjoy your last day on your own and encourage him to go away again soon (or go away yourself) 😂

Can I borrow your DH too? My DH is like the Tasmanian Devil going through my house making total mess and chaos! He does try hard to be tidier but it’s not his natural default!! 25+ years in and I don’t think he’ll change now! 😂

As much as I love my partner, I also love time to myself to do what I want when I want. That's perfectly normal and ok.
Relationships require alot of compromising on both sides to make it work so it's nice now and again not to worry about it.

Being on your own for a short while is lovely. You won’t miss him because you know he is coming back. The novelty of being alone would wear off in a while. Then you’d miss him.

A break from someone is never a bad thing. There's every chance he's feeling the same

Well, a week is a week. Having a change of pace is nice in whatever it is usually – doesn't necessarily mean that you wouldn't miss him long term. I do think it all sounds rather petty, but you're entitled to feel the way you feel. Surely there are also benefits to living with him.

@thinklagoon my H in the recent past used to be away quite a few times a year tour managing . I used to think yippee even when it was 2 weeks at a time. Ate cheese on toast with soup, pasta and salad, watched stuff that my H would usually say ‘what’s this shit’ and switch over to something educational or old 80s series, I would take myself off for a 6.00pm glass of wine on my own and mumsnet before going home -unless you’ve been with someone 20 years plus it’s very difficult to explain that even if you care about someone you start to get into the ‘we’ territory and sometimes you just need the ‘I’ territory in your life.

When I was posting about the benefits of my recent divorce (trying to cheer myself up), one of the things I mentioned was eating salad out of the bag with my fingers. Replies varied from "You do WHAT???!!!" to "You can do that with a husband".

All households develop their little rules, and it's nice to let go of them without feeling you have to explain to someone (you usually couldn't explain anyway, it's just part of kicking back a little).

Just off to buy a bag of salad ...

I understand the feeling @Bleachedlevis , but you know he is coming back

that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
I've lived on my own on and off since quite young. The one piece of advice I've given again and again is to prepare proper meals. Make enough for two or 4 and eat the other portions another day.

Pot noodle or quick snacky meal is fine as a one-off, but not because 'it's not worth cooking for one.

that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow

Yes but you've not seen my house.

that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”
If you'd not spoken to a human since Saturday other than a handful of phone calls, you'd probably be glad to be asked anything.

I think it's quite normal. My DH works away for a week in every 3 and I actually enjoy it. DD is away at university, DS works but is no bother anyway but I love the little things that I do because he's not there.

I look forward to him coming home, but I feel like I've had a little relationship break while he's away and it does me (and probably him) good.