DH away for a week. Dismayed by how little I miss him.

[Bleachedlevis]

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

• that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
• that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
• that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”

Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?

I bloody love it when DH goes away for work. I can watch what I want on the TV, have stuff for tea he refuses to eat, and once the kids are in bed just be ALONE. I think pining away for your DH of many years would be really odd to be honest.

My dh used to work away 2 weeks on and 2 off. I didn’t miss him that much, maybe towards the end. I could do everything on my schedule. Wouldn’t want it to be permanent though

Very normal to feel this.
I wouldn't bother with cooking dinners for myself either.
Beans on toast, scrambled eggs and the like.
He needs to do half the cooking!
Enjoy your peace, don't feel guilty.

Nailed it. Women and men are not the same, and once you've aged out of fancying him madly, or needing him to share the domestic /childcare load, there isn't a whole lot of reason why you should really be living together at all.

Some couples obviously enjoy each other's company regardless of age, but dear god. The hang faced zombies you see in supermarkets getting the shopping together because they can't see any other way of living are a warning to us all.

If a man said to me 'when are we going shopping' I'd run screaming from the house.

I find it amusing that someone always pops up to insist that you have to have a perfectly balanced fully formed meal at every mealtime. The OP is 70, I imagine she has an idea of how to eat. I have just come back from several weeks on holiday during which I had ice cream for lunch and chips for supper on more than one occasion! I think I will survive (well, I did need to take some fibre tablets!). Yes, my DH does cook very nutritious meals at home as I explained upthread, but when I am away I just eat Thai soup, sometimes for several days in a row.

I feel like this when my husband has spent the whole night snoring and I have not got a wink of sleep. We only have one bedroom so the only alternative is the couch. If I have a good night's sleep the world looks different. One woman said to me: Be grateful you have a husband who snores. I am divorced from mine. Don't think she would be saying that if it went on night after night especially when it is hot and she couldn't do her job.

The only shock is that it's taken you until you're in your seventies to realise this!

Hmm - my parents are OP's age and I don't recognise your description of meal times at all.

And? If he doesn't want pasta and sauce then make your own and he can sort his own meal out! There is no law you have to eat together. My DH and I often eat separately at lunch time. He likes white bread and huge sandwiches. I like salad with dressing.

I think this is totally normal.
I get to spend a lot of time at home alone, so it's not something I crave, but DH doesn't and I know he would like to just be alone in the house from time to time.
I also know several friends (male and female) who are inordinately pleased when their partners away because they get to "eat pizza in their pants", lol.
It doesn't mean you don't love someone or miss them.
My mum lost my dad a few years ago. She's single in her 70s and would give anything to have him back, so careful what you wish for.

I rarely get the house to myself and almost crave it sometimes. When it does happen it is bliss, as there will be no interruptions no questions on what I'm watching or reading, just pottering about.

Not sure I'd want it full time though...

I like the response of reframing it as enjoying your own company, which so many people aren't comfortable with

I love it when my DH goes away - he used to work away loads and my garden looked better, I saw friends, I slept better and ate and watched what I wanted. I used to get a bit adopted by his in laws and be offered dinner at theirs - when I was really thinking 'no, this is my time..'.

He doesn't work away as much and I really like the little bits of time when he does.

I love him, enjoy his company, we have a happy marriage, but a little bit of time away is great. And, no, I don't always look forward to him coming home or miss him. I would if he disappered for ever or was away for months...but a week - nope I could happily cope with 2.

Despite him having way more family around him here than I do and friends I suppose - he does genuinely seem to miss me when I go away....

I haven’t had the house to myself for about 20 years since my husband retired. I tried to get him to go out on his own to hobby interests but it was hard work and the end came when he phoned me from a location to say I must have set the sat nav wrong because the exhibition wasn’t there. I checked the dates of the exhibition and he’d got the wrong day, He came back home and that was the last time he went out without me for more than a short walk or to the barbers. He no longer does those because he now has Alzheimer’s and it has progressed to the stage when he might not find his way home if he did go out.

I can relate to the questions, the meals, the wanting to ‘help’, and I would so love to have the house to myself again rather than have to share it with the person who is no longer my husband. I can go out for couple of hours here and there but that’s it.

Treasure your times alone OP and others, sometimes being together isn't all its cracked up to be.

I totally get this OP. I love my OH deeply but sometimes it is a relief when he decides to visit family / friends and I don’t go with him. I wouldn’t be without him but that small feeling of freedom when I am alone for a few hours or couple of days is so therapeutic in some way.

Lol. Grass is always greener.

As another PP said, I think it’s different if you know your DH will be returning but if he were to permanently be absent I think OP may well feel the negative effects of loneliness and having no one to bounce ideas off or make joint decisions on the house etc.

It does however highlight that ‘alone’ time is key to MH so perhaps OP you need to think how you can achieve that same inner peace even when DH is at home 🙂

It's fine to feel like this. I have been happily married for 37 years but love it when my DH goes away and I have the house to myself, no need to negotiate what time we're having dinner, going out etc. I am an introvert and love time by myself but I'm always very pleased to see him when he comes back!

I love having time alone at home when my husband goes away. Glorious!

@Bleachedlevis I totally understand.
Since retiring my dh runs everything past me and I'm really not interested in the contents of the recycling bin or that he is running out of weetabix.
He also tidies up around me and switches lights off which I have just turned on.
I visit relatives regularly just to get some peace.
I'm always glad to go back home though.
Unfortunately I never get the house to myself because he prefers to stay home.

My DH used to travel internationally for work every three weeks pre COVID. I loved the time to myself and didn’t miss him at all. Until the moment he arrived home and my heart overflowed with how much I love him.That was the point when I missed him.

Now if either of us go away, we ask, “will you miss me?” The answer is always, “no, not at all, don’t hurry back”. When I leave, he shouts, “I have the house to myself, victory is mine!”

I absolutely adore him, and the pleasure of my own company as well.

Oh i totally get you, am with my husband over 20 years, i didn't move away for college went local and then moved straight away in with my now husband, i love my alone time. Others cant understand it but i get you, its the freedom of not having to think about anyone else. I used to have it as i travelled a lot for work in the past, i loved sitting in a hotel room by myself doing whatever i want. Now i WFH alot, also now we live on a farm with animals so my husband is also at home alot all be it down the yard or in the fields or something. Yes i can go and have dinner my self or cook what i want for myself for dinner and let him cook, but is that fair or is it nice or is it working with each other, he is up at the crack of dawn outside in all weathers so its nice for him to come into a dinner and for use to sit down together. We work as a team here, he used to d the same when i was out on the road and not home till like 8pm for my dinner.
There is a difference to some time to yourself then always being by yourself. My mother in law lost her husband a few years ago and she often comments about it - but one thing she says she is never lonely but does miss someone there in the eve

My wish is for one weekend where no one is at home, i can sleep in, get up when i want eat when i want watch what i want no animals to feed or look after, house is clean and phone is switched off, its just the feeling of not having to think about anything else just for a few hours
Yes i do have my own hobbies and friends etc and can do what i want but i so get what OP is saying

I love life on my own. When I was married, I worried that I wouldn't cope on my own. Now I know that I prefer my own space and that many things, including outings and holidays, are easier and mostly more enjoyable for me when I only have to please myself. Yes, there are some downsides but I'm willing to put up with them for the sheer joy of having my own peaceful sanctuary and not always having to take someone else into account.

why can’t she just do pasta and sauce occasionally for her DH instead of feeling the need to cook a full meal. You say he won't eat it? Fine, he would probably love the chance to cook what he likes rather than the years of your meal planning.
If a man said to me 'when are we going shopping' I'd run screaming from the house. I would run towards the shops clasping my DH's hand! I love shopping and only manage to get him to join me a couple of times a year. He will sometimes come for a coffee though. We are all different, but looking like hang faced zombies and not fresh faced beauty's might just be the way we present- sorry for that...
The older generation are like this. If my Mum is going out for dinner, she'll make my Dad's dinner first. This isn't a generational thing imo. My FIL took over must of the cooking once he retired, enjoying baking as well as day to day meals. He had never tried any sort of food prep in the proceeding 60 years and MIL just assumed it was her role and he didn't want to upset her.
I admit to loving an occasional hotel stay without DH, mostly because he has to have the air-con set to freezing and I enjoy living in a sauna-like environment. I also know very sad I would be to not have DH to share my life with.

God I love it when DH goes away, particularly if he takes the kids with him!!

Having some alone time is really, really healthy. Not having to think about anyone else’s needs or wants is so refreshing.

I think I’d find it more weird if after so many years together, you were pining for him to come home after only 1 week away.

To be honest when my husband is away I really miss him, I struggle to sleep and normally have his worn shirt in my bed (gross I know). It makes me sad to be without him and he always takes my shirt when he goes away. Maybe we are saps though. I like my alone time but I don’t like more than a day away and I don’t really sleep well without him.

I also enjoy the time DH is away can eat what I fancy, regain the TV remote and get on with what I want to do but only because I know it is only for a few days and he will be returning. Would be a lot different if he was gone for good