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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to their bbq?

241 replies

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:18

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

OP posts:
Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:29

Why don’t you go and then drop your kegs and do a massive shit on the BBQ?

TheSandgroper · 20/08/2025 00:29

Well, my dh would have received short shrift if he had said “don’t be friends anymore with this thoroughly nice woman that you have been friends with for years”. And I would have worked to maintain that friendship.

And, yes, it’s quite possible that I might say “ok. I will go. But you have to have my back if my comments don’t toe the party line. I’m a grown woman and grown women have opinions of their own”.

Original poster
Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:31

Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:29

Why don’t you go and then drop your kegs and do a massive shit on the BBQ?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 now this sounds right up my street.

OP posts:
Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:33

But you have to tell the children not to eat the sausages

Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:34

If you can’t polish a turd then at least you can grill it.

Diarygirlqueen · 20/08/2025 00:36

I wouldn't go, good for you.

MrsEMR · 20/08/2025 00:48

I would not have gone along with ditching the ex-SIL if I was friends with her. Even more so if the cousins enjoy spending time together. As for BBQ situation, inform DH that you cannot be held responsible for any upset caused if you go, so he should be prepared for fireworks.
TBH I think I’d let him go alone with the kids & try and meet up with ex-SIL as she’ll be child free too that day.

Vaxtable · 20/08/2025 00:51

Send DH with the kids. And I would not be told who I could and could not see so would also be contacting ex sil

Catsandcannedbeans · 20/08/2025 00:52

To be honest I wouldn’t have gone along with not speaking to ex SIL. You probably can’t be besties, but my DH doesn’t dictate who I can and can’t talk to. Do not go to the BBQ. You won’t have fun, you’ll probably feel kind of icky the whole time, and it’s against your morals.

He can take the kids, you do something fun. Your kids get to see their cousins and you get some me time? Win win.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 20/08/2025 00:52

Don't go you don't have to. He's your husband's brother not yours. He literally can't make you.

Original poster
Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:59

Thank you!! He wanted me to post this thread as he thinks I’m being AIBU. He can go and take the kids that’s absolutely fine. But I don’t want any part of it.

OP posts:
CharlotteFlax · 20/08/2025 01:04

You don't HAVE to do anything just because you're his wife! Not one thing!

Read THAT, MrUnderstood!

Plantatreetoday · 20/08/2025 01:08

My dh doesn't get to chose who I talk to or not
Your life
Your choice
Don't allow this controlling nature

Plantatreetoday · 20/08/2025 01:08

Wish this had been on AIBU

PinkyFlamingo · 20/08/2025 01:25

I can't believe you stopped talking to your ex SIL who you liked just because your DH "told you" to!! That poor woman.

XWKD · 20/08/2025 01:47

You dumped a friend because your husband told you to. 🙄

Divastrout · 20/08/2025 01:50

Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:29

Why don’t you go and then drop your kegs and do a massive shit on the BBQ?

Are you feeling ok??
Bloody hilarious 😂 response though!!
You win!!

Beammeupscotty2025 · 20/08/2025 01:58

Start talking to SIL again.

Why would you let your DH dictate who you can talk to? This is very strange and controlling.

Don’t go to the bbq if you don’t want to.

StrawberryJangle · 20/08/2025 01:59

You're a grown woman. Keep in touch with whoever you like.

People are generally bastards. These things happen.

My brother had an affair that ended his marriage. He knows I still hate him for it.

I choose single. I don't know why you are hate this woman so much without meeting her.
It's going to be far more awkward for her.

It's not her fault.

Alreadybroken · 20/08/2025 01:59

Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:29

Why don’t you go and then drop your kegs and do a massive shit on the BBQ?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

FlockofSquirrels · 20/08/2025 02:02

What's the endgame here? Is this a one time pass on an event or do you plan to refuse to attend any family functions with them? If it's the latter, how do you see that benefiting anyone? Will it improve your children's family experience? Heal any hurt?

When I was a child one of my aunts cheated on her husband and her older sister decided to refuse to speak to or see her. The "other man" became husband and everyone healed and moved on except the self-righteous sister who kept this up for years once she had taken her stand, seemingly because she didn't know how to let it go once she'd started. Eventually she gave it up (without ever admitting perhaps she was wrong) and now both the ex husband and husband attend our family reunions, the sisters pretend it never happened, and all anyone has to show for it is years of hurt and missing time together.

Taking a pass on one family gathering is reasonable. Telling your DH you're going to continue your friendship with your ex-SIL (without getting involved in any conflict between the two) is reasonable. But be cautious about making a painful situation worse for everyone.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2025 02:09

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:18

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

Why on earth did you cut off your SIL just because your DH doesnt have a fucking spine to stand up to his brother?!

I would not be going to the BBQ and would be apologising massively to SIL and seeing her instead, if she would give me a chance (and who could blame her if she wouldnt).

BIL doesnt get to just insert the "new model" into his old life as if his wife never existed.

To your husband I say....

As Shakespeare said "judge a man by the company he keeps" and you support a lying cheating piece of crap. That you would do this to your former SIL tells everyone all they need to know about how you would treat your wife if you found a nice shiny new girlfriend. You disgust me.

chunkybear · 20/08/2025 02:21

To be fair if it was my brother I’d go, and I’d ask my partner to try to make the best of it all as I’d want to support my brother even if he has made crappy choices. But I’d still be friendly with the ex and probably gossip with her about the horrible tramp ,,, just because you go it doesn’t mean you either approve or have to like them

Needspaceforlego · 20/08/2025 02:22

@FlockofSquirrels has it right.

You have to think about the long term. BIL and SIL have split. End off.
You can't avoid the new woman forever.

But I wouldn't not speak to exSIL. She might not want anything to do with you but I'd get in touch and ask how she is doing.

SueblueNZ · 20/08/2025 02:35

@StrawberryJangle I choose single. I don't know why you are hate this woman so much without meeting her.
It's going to be far more awkward for her.

The Op knows enough about the other woman; she was the affair partner of a married man. Who cares if she has to experience awkwardness! It was half her fault.