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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to their bbq?

241 replies

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:18

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

OP posts:
Naddd · 20/08/2025 06:39

I think it's really sad that your husband didn't want you to continue a relationship with the ex sil.
When she was with your bil your husband presumably expected her to be part of the family and now things didn't work out through no fault of her own she's not even worth keeping in touch with?
And the brother who actually ruined everything gets away with it all whilst she who did nothing wrong loses every one?
I'd be keeping my distance from the lot of them.

BetweenTwoFerns · 20/08/2025 06:45

I can’t believe that you are questioning whether you have to go to something you don’t want to go to because your husband says.

nomas · 20/08/2025 06:45

It’s concerning how controlling your DH is. He says ditch your SIL, you ditched her. He says you have to go somewhere you don’t’t want to because you’re his wife, and you feel like you should.

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 20/08/2025 06:47

I’d have a headache. You don’t want to risk saying anything that might cause a rift and for the sake of the kids it’s best to stay on good terms. I’d be messaging SIL to arrange a get together too. You can be friends with anyone you want.

Drivingmissrangey · 20/08/2025 06:57

If I no longer saw family members who had left their DWs for OW I wouldn’t have that much family to see. All of them, without fail, have now been happily married to the OW for 20+ years.

This doesn’t excuse their behaviour in their first marriages, I mention to only make the point that if this relationship lasts are you really going to never see them? If my brother made a mistake and my OH refused to see him I’d be pretty annoyed.

OP you don’t have the be happy about it, and you don’t have to like them. But you DH wants to support their brother.

HoppingPavlova · 20/08/2025 07:01

@Drivingmissrangey But you DH wants to support their brother

The DH is telling OP who they can and can’t talk to, and where they must go and what they must do. That’s very different to expressing a wish and giving someone a choice!

nomas · 20/08/2025 07:02

Drivingmissrangey · 20/08/2025 06:57

If I no longer saw family members who had left their DWs for OW I wouldn’t have that much family to see. All of them, without fail, have now been happily married to the OW for 20+ years.

This doesn’t excuse their behaviour in their first marriages, I mention to only make the point that if this relationship lasts are you really going to never see them? If my brother made a mistake and my OH refused to see him I’d be pretty annoyed.

OP you don’t have the be happy about it, and you don’t have to like them. But you DH wants to support their brother.

What support does a cheating shit bag need?

HectorPlasm · 20/08/2025 07:03

Figcherry · 20/08/2025 03:42

Whilst your dh takes the dc to the bbq why don’t you arrange to meet up with your ex sil.
Have a good catch up.

This - sorry to join the pile-on but you should tell your DH to sod off and keep in touch with the poor woman if you want to.

And your husband sounds like a prize nob - you should enter him in a show

Nestingbirds · 20/08/2025 07:03

Your dh should not be so controlling. Its not his choice who you speak to as a grown woman!

His brother has behaved disgracefully, and now they want everyone to play happy families?! It really does not work like that… your poor sister in law deserves better.

I would be contacting and comforting your sister in law op, she is your friend I assume for many years.

As for the new woman there is not a chance I would go or be interested in meeting a woman who happily blew up two families, neither of them can be trusted, the relationship is built on destruction and deceit, I would have zero interest in a person like this. I am with you op 100%!!

2catsandhappy · 20/08/2025 07:06

Hello Mrunderstood have fun at the bbq.
@Mrsunderstood is going out with her ex sil for a catch up.

EasternSkies · 20/08/2025 07:07

I would:
Resume contact with SIL. It might have to start with an apology. She was your friend, you got on with her, by the sounds of it she did nothing wrong,

Probably go to the BBQ. Are you going to continue a life long refusal to engage with your DH’s brother? Through the kids weddings / Christmases etc?

No one is asking you to approve of his behaviour - if they are they can’t make you. But what’s the point in showing loyalty to the betrayed SIL if you have cut her off??

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/08/2025 07:09

What a delightful pair of brothers. Cheating and controlling.

Maray1967 · 20/08/2025 07:10

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:59

Thank you!! He wanted me to post this thread as he thinks I’m being AIBU. He can go and take the kids that’s absolutely fine. But I don’t want any part of it.

I don’t blame you - my DH does not get to say who I can or cannot see - and I would not want to see either BIL or the OW. If my DH tried to force me to go he would be told what is likely to happen and it won’t be pretty.

ChaToilLeam · 20/08/2025 07:10

Your DH and BIL can have the BBQ together, they both sound like pricks anyway. Let him take the kids, you don't have to go if you don't want to and your husband can hardly make you. He is NOT your lord and master to give you orders, get him put in his place! (If you are reading this, MrUnderstood, it's the 21st century so stop being such a twit and show some respect for your DW's feelings on the matter.)

What a shame you dropped ex SIL on his say so, try to contact her if you can. You will probably have to meet OW at some point if the relationship continues but you can decide when.

Whyherewego · 20/08/2025 07:12

Is it just the BBQ you object to or will you not attend any events in the future where BIL and OW are at? What if it is just BIL? What if it's a funeral or a wedding? Christmas at the in laws?

I understand you disapprove of what BiL has done (not sure I would hate on the woman here, she didnt break the wedding vows). But this is your DH brother, and it's not realistic to avoid him for the rest of your life.

So by all means say you want to sit this BBQ out, it may feel too soon, it may just not be something you want to do. DH can take the kids.

But don't be the person who tries to drive a wedge between DH and his brother by refusing to interact with them again. You don't have to be friendly just be courteous. He is not a criminal. He is a man who made poor life choices.

I do agree that if you are friends with ex SIL incidentally then she's a friend. End of story. He doesnt get to stop that friendship.

MrsPinkCock · 20/08/2025 07:14

When did he split from his DW?

It’s pretty sad that you stopped speaking to SIL on your DH’s say so. Fine if SIL didn’t want further contact with the wider family, but she’d just been cheated on and then lost out on the wider family too. I find that incredibly sad.

I am with you though, I wouldn’t want to go either. I’ve become far less tolerant as I’ve aged and refuse to spend my precious little free time with anyone I don’t want to, whatever the reason 😆 let him go and socialise if he wants to but you don’t have to.

MC846 · 20/08/2025 07:14

Why on earth did you drop your SIL as a friend because your DH told you to, if mine did that I'd laugh in his face. He doesn't get to dictate your friends and who you spend time with because you're his wife! You're not his property. If course you don't need to go to their BBQ, if he wants to take the kids that's fine. I wouldn't go 💐

PestoHoliday · 20/08/2025 07:15

Get in touch with your SIL and apologise for not being there for her.
NB She might decide she's not interested in staying on good terms with someone who dropped her like a hot potato when her husband was whoring around behind her back.

Tell your DH he isn't the boss of you, and means it. You don't have to drop friends, attend social functions or create Mumsnet posts just because he says so.

Don't go to the BBQ.

If this relationship lasts long-term you'll have to accept it for family occasions like Christmas. You don't have to be friends but you'll need to be polite.

Currently, though, it's just your slutty BIL and his current affair partner. Who knows how many of those he'll go through if he's prepared to cheat on the mother of his children.

Maray1967 · 20/08/2025 07:16

I would make sure PIL know my views and that it would be better if I don’t see BIL. I have a friend who told her own parents she was disgusted by her brother’s behaviour (similar to this) and she did not see him while he was with OW - relationship didn’t last long. She also told her parents that she was not impressed with how they had basically dumped their DIL as though she had never existed.

Namechangerage · 20/08/2025 07:16

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:59

Thank you!! He wanted me to post this thread as he thinks I’m being AIBU. He can go and take the kids that’s absolutely fine. But I don’t want any part of it.

Don’t go!!

And maybe message your SIL to apologise, poor her. Your DH can’t dictate who you talk to, WTF.

Louoby · 20/08/2025 07:19

What’s worse is that he stopped contact with you and your former sister in law. Why does he get to chose this? She is the mother of your children’s cousins.

AbzMoz · 20/08/2025 07:20

You should do whatever you want. That includes going to the bbq (or not), being friends with xSiL (or not),…

Are there other aunt/uncles and GPs attending? I bet no one feels entirely comfortable but BiL has made his choice and now has the consequences. It will be a lesson for you around how your DHs family will act if you were to ever split up…

MushMonster · 20/08/2025 07:21

Hold on a minute, the BBQ is not the issue here! Your DH told you not to talk to your SIL? Seriously! Does she have children? Because if you do have your children's cousins from her side, there is no way on this Earth my stupid husband is telling me not to keep contact with her! That is crazy!
And if she does not have children, then I would keep a cordial how are you? Happy birthday, Merry Christmas.... going on if I liked her.
Whatever happened between your DH's brother and her has nothing to do with you.
The BBQ, well, given your DH shitty behaviour above, I would not feel like going. Just to make the point. If he is treating his SIL like this, he may do the same in his own marriage later in life...
But there is the chance your BIL and the OW stay together in the long term, so it will not be wise to create a rift here. For me, it would be more important to keep a decent relationship left with my SIL. I just cannot believe your DH commands you on this......

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/08/2025 07:22

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:59

Thank you!! He wanted me to post this thread as he thinks I’m being AIBU. He can go and take the kids that’s absolutely fine. But I don’t want any part of it.

Yup!!! You've already MASSIVELY had his back by cutting contact with your ex SIL. Too much to be honest. I'd remain friends and she must be very hurt that you've dropped her.

Whyherewego · 20/08/2025 07:22

Maray1967 · 20/08/2025 07:16

I would make sure PIL know my views and that it would be better if I don’t see BIL. I have a friend who told her own parents she was disgusted by her brother’s behaviour (similar to this) and she did not see him while he was with OW - relationship didn’t last long. She also told her parents that she was not impressed with how they had basically dumped their DIL as though she had never existed.

Just incidentally I had no desire to maintain a relationship with my ex PIL or ex BIL when I split up with my ex.
And indeed my parents didnt maintain a relationship with my ex.
I do think that's fair enough. I mean if I saw them in the street we'd both say hello. But I certainly didnt want to hang out