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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to their bbq?

241 replies

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:18

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

OP posts:
MustWeDoThis · 20/08/2025 18:12

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:18

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

Why do you have to do what your husband says? Sounds about as piggish as his brother. The apple never falls far from the tree.

Blanknotebook · 20/08/2025 18:30

Let him go to the BBQ without you. But slip laxatives into his food so that he will believe he got the shits eating traitor sausages.

Thedogscollar · 20/08/2025 18:52

Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:29

Why don’t you go and then drop your kegs and do a massive shit on the BBQ?

Omg I love this🤣
Your husband can't control you. Do what you want not what he wants you to do.

Efrogwraig · 20/08/2025 20:28

Continue to be friends with ex sil, she is mother of the cousins. Go to the bbq & begin your relationship with the new sil. You will be being fair to all. Don't take sides.

Robin67 · 20/08/2025 20:51

Don't go, fuck them. Your DC can have a good relationship with their cousins when you visit ex-sil.

Chairings · 20/08/2025 21:01

Your husband sounds like a controlling bully.

Please contact Women's aid for advice.
He doesn't get to tell you what to do, who you see or what you have to accept.

That is Coercive control, a serious crime.

Clearly your husband is scum just like his brother.

Domestic abuse charities can help you.

Coercive control is very serious.
Any police station can help you.

Just tell them he tells you what you can and cannot do and who you have to see.

MoonWoman69 · 20/08/2025 21:03

Vaxtable · 20/08/2025 00:51

Send DH with the kids. And I would not be told who I could and could not see so would also be contacting ex sil

Agree with this 100%!

carchi · 20/08/2025 22:02

Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:34

If you can’t polish a turd then at least you can grill it.

Nice quote from a great Stephen King book/movie which I often use myself.

Masmavi · 20/08/2025 22:22

They probably wouldn’t want someone so judgmental at their barbecue anyway. Your husband had no right to tell you to stop speaking to your SİL but what do you know about any couple’s private life and depths of their relationship?

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/08/2025 00:28

Efrogwraig · 20/08/2025 20:28

Continue to be friends with ex sil, she is mother of the cousins. Go to the bbq & begin your relationship with the new sil. You will be being fair to all. Don't take sides.

Fuck that. I would not be validating cheating cunts.

DarklingIlisten · 21/08/2025 00:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Teajenny7 · 21/08/2025 09:17

MrsEMR · 20/08/2025 00:48

I would not have gone along with ditching the ex-SIL if I was friends with her. Even more so if the cousins enjoy spending time together. As for BBQ situation, inform DH that you cannot be held responsible for any upset caused if you go, so he should be prepared for fireworks.
TBH I think I’d let him go alone with the kids & try and meet up with ex-SIL as she’ll be child free too that day.

I think this is a great idea meet your friend.

Alrhough, you weren't much of a friend if you stopped talking to her at your husband's request.

You dont need to take sides but you could have remained her friend.

You stance seems a bit late.

The OW is now part of the extended family you can be polite.

MyLimeGuide · 21/08/2025 09:20

Don't go. Don't go.

BuckChuckets · 21/08/2025 09:48

Your husband sounds like a dick just like his brother. The cheek of demanding you go because you're husband wife.

GiveDogBone · 21/08/2025 17:58

”He wanted me to post this thread as he thinks I’m being AIBU.”

Is he nuts? There was only one answer you were ever going to get from all the man-haters on MN.

SirBasil · 21/08/2025 18:03

Needspaceforlego · 20/08/2025 15:21

Because caring for elderly parents is a whole lot easier if you co-ordinate what you are doing.

There's loads of reasons why trying to avoid a future SIL is a bad idea.

Even think your own kids wedding, they want to invite Uncle and Aunt but their own Mum creates an atmosphere trying to avoid Auntie.

Show quote history

Meh. They are DHs parents. He can sort it. Nothing to do with OP.

BeAzureRaven · 21/08/2025 18:21

I'd let the husband take the kids. He doesn't get to tell you where you have to go and where not to go. Screw that! And call your ex-SIL!!!!! Go have coffee and apologize for ditching her.

Buffs · 21/08/2025 18:36

I’d be less concerned about the bbq but I would stay in touch with the ex.

HappyGreenCat · 21/08/2025 18:54

Hear! Hear! I couldn't agree more. You husband certainly sounds spineless. It also sounds like you know what feels true for you, so honour that.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 21/08/2025 19:33

You gave up talking to your SIL because your husband told you to!

You do know its 2025 not 1825?

You're not much of a friend to her, the mother of the cousins you'd like your children to remain in contact with.

Let your husband take your kids to the BBQ if he wants to go & get in touch with your SIL, grovel & apologise & see if you can treat her to a day out.

JustSawJohnny · 21/08/2025 20:16

I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

You are a grown adult with agency.

You can't be 'forced' to do anything.

Your DH might be a spineless shit whose happy to give his twat of a brother an easy pass in his vileness, but you don't have to.

Be 'ill' on the day of the BBQ and FFS arrange a catch up with ex SIL.

grumpygrape · 21/08/2025 21:16

I’m still waiting for a response and wondering if OP’s BIL and husband are the ones who thought she should remove photos of her SIL once BIL had left her to not upset the OW.

OnceIn · 21/08/2025 21:31

Your first mistake was letting your dh tell you who you can and can’t be friends with!

Smurfette63 · 21/08/2025 21:54

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:18

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

I don't think you ABU.

Smurfette63 · 21/08/2025 21:55

Smurfette63 · 21/08/2025 21:54

I don't think you ABU.

Edited
Show quote history

For a start he wouldn't have got away with telling me not to speak to his ex SIL. I'd have maintained that relationship. So now show him you can stand up for what you believe is right and don't go to the BBQ. You have opinions and morals, stand by them.