Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to their bbq?

241 replies

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:18

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 20/08/2025 07:22

DH didn't want me to speak to her any more after their separation so I didn't

Why did you agree to this? You are laying the groundwork for what has now happened - first he tells you who you can't see and now he's telling you who you must see. He sounds controlling

mamagogo1 · 20/08/2025 07:23

What sort of time scale is this? If it is pretty new and raw then I get your point but if they have been established a while then for the sake of family harmony you need to superficially get along. I would not have ditched a friend though

Auroraloves · 20/08/2025 07:24

Your husband is being very unreasonable to tell you who you can be friends with.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/08/2025 07:24

Well now you know how your DH's family will treat you if your DH has an affair and leaves you and the kids.

Your poor SIL had to deal with your BIL leaving her for the other woman and then losing your friendship because your DH told you to stop seeing her. That was a really mean thing for him to do and I'm not sure why you agreed to stop being friends with her.

I'm glad that you have decided not to attend this BBQ.

GabriellaMontez · 20/08/2025 07:30

Lots of family occasions have someone there that i don't like. I go anyway, to see the people I do like and for the benefit of dp and children.

Isn't that how all big family type dos are?

However, dp does not tell me who i can be friends with, and if he tried Id set him straight.

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/08/2025 07:33

MrsEMR · 20/08/2025 00:48

I would not have gone along with ditching the ex-SIL if I was friends with her. Even more so if the cousins enjoy spending time together. As for BBQ situation, inform DH that you cannot be held responsible for any upset caused if you go, so he should be prepared for fireworks.
TBH I think I’d let him go alone with the kids & try and meet up with ex-SIL as she’ll be child free too that day.

This

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/08/2025 07:34

@Mrsunderstood when you said “they are both disgusting “ at first I thought you went you husband and his brother. Because they are both as bad. Is your husband always as controlling ? Why do you allow it ?

Yell him you are not going end of .

Poppins21 · 20/08/2025 07:35

Mrsunderstood · 20/08/2025 00:59

Thank you!! He wanted me to post this thread as he thinks I’m being AIBU. He can go and take the kids that’s absolutely fine. But I don’t want any part of it.

Well he is got a shock then! Enjoy your time alone and maybe have coffee with ex SIL?

Crazycrazyfrog · 20/08/2025 07:35

If you truly don’t want to go then just send the children with DH… however, you need to play the long game. Don’t cut yourself off from family and all the related family events.
I’d go to the bbq, focus on your kids and your niece/nephews (they would probably like you to be there, especially if they don’t want the new woman around).
I’d be civil, but not friendly. I wouldn’t help with the food/cleanup - you’re a guest, a plus one if your husband. I’d grey rock and offer nothing. It’ll make it clear to DH and BIL that this is the relationship you’re offering and if asked I’d have no qualms saying that I’ve learnt to not get attached to BILs partners as history shows they won’t be around long term…

ThatCyanCat · 20/08/2025 07:40

Does he always tell you who you can and can't see? I'm assuming his ex is the mother of his children, if so then how is everyone going to never see or speak to her? So she's been cheated on, dumped and her effective in laws are now freezing her out?

jeaux90 · 20/08/2025 07:55

I’d go for the kids sake and try and work through the situation. Life is too short for this shit.

BUT I’d tell DH to do one over the ex SIL. No way I’d let myself get told I can’t be friends with someone.

Ewock · 20/08/2025 07:59

My dh does not tell me who I can and can not speak to and I wouldn't tell him. Who the hell does your dh think he is to tell you to stop speaking to your sil?
If ky dh tried that controlling shit with me there'd be the possibility of another divorce.
I wouldn't go, but ai would contact sil and spend time with her instead. Your dh is as much scum as his cheating db.

ClairDeLaLune · 20/08/2025 08:01

Your DH is controlling. It’s not up to him who you’re friends with. Me ex-SIL is one of my best friends and I love her dearly. If DH told me to break contact with her I’d tell him to fuck off. But he wouldn’t, because he doesn’t try to control me.

Same with the bbq. It’s not up to your DH if you go or not. He’s not the boss of you. Make decisions for yourself and tell DH he has to accept that. And if he doesn’t then you have more problems unfortunately.

Birdied · 20/08/2025 08:01

FlockofSquirrels · 20/08/2025 02:02

What's the endgame here? Is this a one time pass on an event or do you plan to refuse to attend any family functions with them? If it's the latter, how do you see that benefiting anyone? Will it improve your children's family experience? Heal any hurt?

When I was a child one of my aunts cheated on her husband and her older sister decided to refuse to speak to or see her. The "other man" became husband and everyone healed and moved on except the self-righteous sister who kept this up for years once she had taken her stand, seemingly because she didn't know how to let it go once she'd started. Eventually she gave it up (without ever admitting perhaps she was wrong) and now both the ex husband and husband attend our family reunions, the sisters pretend it never happened, and all anyone has to show for it is years of hurt and missing time together.

Taking a pass on one family gathering is reasonable. Telling your DH you're going to continue your friendship with your ex-SIL (without getting involved in any conflict between the two) is reasonable. But be cautious about making a painful situation worse for everyone.

Exactly this.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2025 08:04

You would have made a great Puritan op. Sitting there judging others and not going to events to show you have the moral highground. Well done.

Chilliandbanana · 20/08/2025 08:07

Agree with the majority of posters on here. Your husband doesn’t get to say who you do and don’t see. If he wants to pretend at one big happy family, let him. You don’t have to!

NapoleonsToe · 20/08/2025 08:08

Mytattooisbiggerthanyours · 20/08/2025 00:29

Why don’t you go and then drop your kegs and do a massive shit on the BBQ?

This confused me! Did you mean kecks? I was trying to work out why you'd drop a beer barrel Grin

OP, I'd get in touch with the SIL and not be dictated to by my husband. And if it feels too soon to play happy families with the new woman, don't go. I think over time, it'll be best to accept that that this person is now your BIL's partner and try to get along with them, but that might take time.

Kidsgotothatschool · 20/08/2025 08:09

Well if he is reading this thread he had no right to prevent your ongoing contact with your sister in law and you have EVERY right not to attend the facade of a barbq!

Let him go and show his support for the cheating pair! Grim!

ArmySurplusHamster · 20/08/2025 08:14

To those saying ‘Don’t go to the adulterous BBQ, visit exSiL’, whyshould the SiL welcome contact from the OP anyway? If she has any backbone, she’ll tell her to fuck off.
Which would be entertaining.

MoFadaCromulent · 20/08/2025 08:16

Stick to your guns. I have a friend who did similar with his wife's sister.

She hadn't cheated on her fiance who was a friend of his but he felt the way she handled the break up was awful so refused to be around her, including attending her wedding.

Yes it's caused some issues and awkwardness for his wife but nobody else seemed to want to call her out and at least he knows he stood by his friend.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 20/08/2025 08:17

Is your husband always this controlling?
it would be a hard no from me if under these circumstances DH told ne to drop ex SiL for the shiny new replacement.
I would send him with the kids and maybe consider attending future events but not to the detriment of my relationship with SiL.
nice to know your husband has such high values as well as being a dictator.

BlueMum16 · 20/08/2025 08:18

PinkyFlamingo · 20/08/2025 01:25

I can't believe you stopped talking to your ex SIL who you liked just because your DH "told you" to!! That poor woman.

I came along to post this too.

I choose my own friends. Over time your SIL would like step away but she's still teg mother of your niece/nephews

Go and see her instead of the BBQ.

PigletSanders · 20/08/2025 08:19

Your BIL is scum. And your H is controlling and deeply lacking in morals.

How dare he believe he can tell you what to do and forbid you from seeing your poor ex SIL? Jesus. That poor woman. She’s best off out of that revolting family though. (Perhaps you could join her).

MrsDoubtfire1 · 20/08/2025 08:23

So, how would the ex SIL feel when not only has she been cheated on but also loses contact with former mates? I understand not to be a go-between, but a friendly contact is not a problem. Tell your husband to do one and stand up to him. Is his brother domineering or the older brother who your husband looks up to?

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/08/2025 08:24

Tell your DH that you’re not supporting his brother’s disgusting behaviour and you want no part of it. Then arrange to have a lovely lunch with your SIL and offer her any support she needs. Apologise to her and tell her you were pressured into cutting contact. I’ve walked this mile and it’s horrendous. Your DH is a dickhead and shame on him for supporting this shitshow.