To not want to go to their bbq?

[Mrsunderstood]

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

Does he have form for asking you to do things you do not want to do?

And do you normally allow him to dictate what you can or cannot do?

Not exactly a union of true minds, is it…

Your husband told you not to be friends with ex-SIL? And you've to go to this BBQ because you're his wife?

Hahahahahahaha. Nope. Fuck both of those things back to 1950 where they belong.

It might be difficult to maintain the NC with BIL and new woman longer term, but you get to decide. Not him.

As for ex-SIL, I hope she has better friends than you.

For all the reasons I gave in my post. Yes they absolutely shouldn’t have cheated on their partners, but everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we have to make the best of a situation. I’d go to support my husband and my children. No one knows what was going on in either of their relationships before the cheating except the people involved. Sadly, marriages do break down, but the BIL and the OW might be married for the rest of their lives and that’s a long time to avoid family gatherings that the husband and children will be attending. It’s completely up to the OP and I get why she doesn’t like how they acted, but what’s to be gained by never attending family events with them again?

Your H takes your kids
And you message your SIL and meet her for lunch
You're an adult, you don't HAVE to do anything and you be friends with whomever you wish, regardless of family dynamics and a 'Darling' husband who needs to stop telling you what to do and how to feel

I’m not babbling nonsense! The OP is not a blood relative and your comments are ridiculous.

This is a public forum and you don’t police it.

Dob’t like the way it works, don’t use it. Don’t want me to respond to you, then stop responding to me? Simple!

And responded again….

Like OP should not take orders of don’t speak to SIL, you don’t order me!

Oh give over, are you OPs DH giving out orders?

OP have you posted about a similar event before? It all sounds familiar, not being allowed to continue seeing SIL, DH demanding that you play happy families with BIL and the OW. BIL was in the wrong if there's an OW, but apparently that doesn't matter because his brother is family so it's all fine.

You don't have to go to the bbq. And you need to read up on assertiveness because DH seems to think you're a chattel to be ordered about. Not a life partner.

You get to a point in life when you just don’t feel like being in awkward, unpleasant situations during your spare time just to make it easier for other people to feel better about their shitty behaviour. This might be one of those for you. Life is just too bloody short. Send your husband and the kids and put your feet up with a glass of something and maybe give the ex SIL a ring for a catch up instead. All this emotional labour, for what? Just so the men folk can pretend all is well and cheery in family land after they’ve rearranged the female furniture a little to suit their tastes. No thanks. Give it time, and when you feel like, engage. But only if and when you feel like it.

You’re used to always giving orders and being obeyed aren’t you?

if he wants to play happy families then he can take the kids himself. They clearly just want to carry on like they haven’t hurt a whole load of people and I wouldn’t want to be part of that either. Let him take the kids on his own.

You shouldn’t have dumped SIL either. Don’t go.

it’s fine for the brothers to close ranks, but your kids could see their cousins via both parents.

being dropped by everyone after your husband cheats is especially horrible frankly.

Let him take the dcs. You go and have a glass of wine with your SIL.

I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it

You are seriously saying you are not talking to your ex-SIL because your DH told you not to AND you listened to him? Is it normal for him to tell you who you can and can’t speak to, and you actually listen and obey him?

Also, who cares what he says, you don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. You are not being forced into anything, you would simply be choosing to agree with, what appears to be an idiot. Whilst my DH would never tell me who to speak/not speak to or where to go/not go, if he went insane and started with such nonsense, I would simply laugh in his face, and any normal woman would do the same. I’d tell him to crack on himself, take the kids to see their cousins, and I’d be having a nice day of Netflix in peace, shopping, or even lunch with the ex-SIL, whatever I wanted to do.

No need to be sorry. The OP has asked for opinions. You’ve provided yours and i’ve provided mine. The great thing is that the OP is getting a range of different view points to help her decide. There’s no right or wrong here in terms of whether the OP should attend the bbq.

You’re right not to go - well done for sticking to your principles.
I’d keep in touch with ex SIL too, I bet she needs support.

You’re right not to go - well done for sticking to your principles.
I’d keep in touch with ex SIL too, I bet she needs support.

No way would I allow my DH to dictate who I can and cannot talk too! let him go on his own as I’m sure if like me you went you’d have a face like a slapped arse and would end up having a row afterwards anyway