To not want to go to their bbq?

[Mrsunderstood]

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

Your DH has no right to dictate who you can be friends with. I’d spend the time you would have been at that bbq to compose a note apologising to your sil for your absence in her life and suggest a meet up. DH’s brother and the ow can get stuffed.

The question you ask - 'Do I have to suck it up and go?' ... Well no you don't HAVE to do anything.

Is this new relationship going to last though? The 'OW' still going to be here in five years time? Twenty years? Fifty years?

If I were you I'd go to the barbecue, and I'd be polite to everyone including OW. What are the alternatives? I can only see two: (1) you eschew this BBQ, maybe the next few gatherings too, but you eventually have to get used to it and start being civil to her, and (2) you eschew the BBQ and maintain this 'no contact' approach forever.

At the end of the day, people do fall out of love, and they do get together with other people.

As for being told by my husband not to see the original wife and mother of my nieces/nephews, well fuck that and fuck him for even trying that nonsense on me.

Don’t go. Make a stand on their immoral behaviour. They need to know that breaking up families has consequences. It’s too soon for them to win your endorsement just like that.

And do get back in touch with your SIL! How dare your DH tell you to cut ties with the poor woman!

Your H is a bit of a prat and why oh why are you letting him tell you who to be friends with? It seems being a prat is genetic.

Ditch him and bring the ex wife as your +1.

And then both of you shit on the barbie.

Why are you letting your husband tell you what to do op.

What a wanker.

I’d be conflicted in your situation too but would probably go. I wouldn’t however let my DH tell me who I can speak to and who not. Unless there are things about SIL he knows about and you don’t? Relationship splits aren’t always because of the obvious.

I wouldn't want to go either. You may feel in the future that you would like to get to know OW better but surely that's for you to decide if and when, it's not for someone else to decide how you feel in this situation. As for cutting off SIL, well that's completely shit of your DH to tell you to do that. No one should tell you who you can and can't be friends with, I imagine your poor SIL would have needed the support back then too. Your DH sounds a bit controlling op, does he always get to decide what you can and can't do?

All the people saying “OP should spend that time with her SIL instead” what makes you think the SIL who has been cheated on, and then unceremoniously dropped by people who WERE her friends and family would want to see OP?

If she’s childfree for the day, she’s probably already made plans and they won’t include awful people who drop her during one of the hardest times of her life 🙄

I’ve been in the OP’s situation (albeit without a controlling arse for a DH) but I stayed in contact with my SIL throughout her shitshow of a divorce and my BIL trying to hide money and swindle her out of the family home. We built a solid relationship with my niece and nephew, who she had main custody of and whose world had been turned upside down.

After a few years and the divorce settled, my DH met his DB and the OW. DH then asked me if we could meet them as a family as it seemed like she was here to stay. I dithered about this decision for a while, but decided that I would for the sake of my DH’s relationship with his brother.

I have to say I have resting bitch face and my disdain for the two of them was evident throughout. The OW had been a “friend” of my SIL and knew the DC etc, yet had completely fucked them over because my BIL had money. I made it through the relatively short lunch and told my DH I wouldn’t be seeing them again, they’re just not my type of people.

I needn’t have worried; two months later my BIL had emigrated with a second OW, leaving both his DC and the original OW in the UK. The OW found herself partnerless and homeless as my BIL sold the house she was living in and I’ve never seen her again.

My DN & DN are now adults and we have a wonderful relationship, along with my SIL who is a delight to be around. I haven’t had contact with my BIL in years, or ever met the 2nd OW and I haven’t no desire to.

In short, I’m an advocate for spending your precious time with decent people and dropping arseholes (blood relatives or not) because decent people will enhance your life and arseholes will always be arseholes 🤷‍♀️

The issue is not that it's a family occasion BUT a barbecue organised and hosted by the OW. Assume it is purely to ingratiate herself into the family and further diminish the role of his children's mother.
How are the children feeling about the break up and how will they feel watching their Dad's family welcoming this woman who was, in part, responsible for the break up of their family.
The BIL and his new partner are being extremely insensitive and uncaring. It's all about them.

The person who is being punished is the mother of the children (nieces, nephews, grandchildren). She might not want a relationship with her ex in-laws and who could blame her given how they cut her off. @Mrsunderstood hope your husband is reading all the responses. He is controlling, insensitive and uncaring bastard.
You should be taking note as he and his family are showing you who they are.

Have you actually spoken to sil about why she was so unhappy in her marriage she had an affair? For all you know BIL could have treat her like shit.

Your husband clearly thinks he can dictate what you do and with who. Only you can decide if you want to be married to someone like this.

Personally, id have completely ignored him if he'd told me to ditch sister in law

I actually can't believe that you simply dropped your SIL when she most likely would have appreciated the support because your 'D'H said so, wtf?

Where does OP say that her SIL had an affair? She has said that both BIL and the OW had affairs that broke up their marriages, not that her SIL had an affair.

A man telling me who I was and was not allowed to speak to, and that I must do something 'because I am a wife' would be corrected and divorced.

Him and his disgusting brother are well suited.

Stand your ground. Do what you think it’s right. I’m guessing 90 percent of people attending will feel the same as you but don’t have the balls to not go.

I’d tell my husband…

Listen up! You have two options. I go, and I’m rude, bitchy and tell Sharon how much I loved Kate. Or I don’t go and you take the kids. You choose.

I see your husbands side to an extent . He isn’t going to cut ties with his brother because he had an affair. Regardless of how he feels , that’s his brother . The children are also his nieces / nephews and your children’s cousins. You can’t just cut all ties with them - the children suffer then. You don’t have to go , and your husband should understand but you can still go and not be supportive of their relationship. You can go because you want to make it easier for your husband , he loves his brother it’s not as easy for him to hate him as it is you , you can go so your children still see their family. But you do not have to form a relationship with OW. I would go , but I would keep myself to myself .

It is concerning that you had to cut ties with your SIL after she was betrayed already and likely feeling very alone. That is unfair . On her and you . I can tell you I would not have put up with my husband telling me to do that. That is the unreasonable part.

@Mrsunderstood have you shown him this thread ?

I think you were massively unreasonable to just drop your SIL on the instructions of your husband, a woman who had been betrayed by her husband and, no doubt, needed people around her who cared about her. I would never have accepted being 'told' who I could and could not associate with and you let this woman down by just going along with his orders.

I don't understand why you have dropped your ex sister in law as a friend. Sounds like she has been hurt enough without losing other people in her life who she thought were friends.

If you are following your husband's order of not seeing ex sister in law then you might as well go to the BBQ. It doesn't make sense.

This - though the sausages would stick in my throat.

SIL didn’t have an affair.

Sorry I read it wrong so apologies. So it’s not the sil in the wrong I wouldn’t be cutting her out then because of twatty BIL.

Your husband told you not to keep in touch with SIL (bastard) and then said you have to go to the BBQ because you’re his wife and you need to get over it?
I’d be telling him to fuck right off and take his controlling shittiness somewhere else. Prick.

Don’t go and arrange to spend the day with ex-SIL instead.

It does just give the impression women can be replaced easily and then completely ignored .
I dont see why you didnt stay friends with ex sil
But also agree you dont need to go to the bbq .