To not want to go to their bbq?

[Mrsunderstood]

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

I would go, your neices/nephews don't deserve to miss seeing their aunt on top of all the disruption their dad has thrown into their life.
Go, spend time with the DC, but I would not be following the "don't contact SIL" instruction. That's your DCs cousins mum, there's no reason at all why you shouldn't still be meeting up, you're still family connected by the DC, that doesnt change based on who DHs brother is currently sleeping with.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go. If you were friendly with your BiL's ex-wife, and saw the cheating, then you are allowed to male ethical judgements as an adult.

Let your DH take your DC by himself. You're very busy washing your hair that day.

No comment on the fact you dumped your SIL because your DH told you to?

Yanbu you do what you feel is right…dh can take kids on his own

😂🤣🤣

I hope you told him to get to fuck with his telling you not to talk to his niece/nephews mum!! And that you hope he never has to look his niece/nephews in the eye and answer for how the family has treated their mum.
now line up a play date with the mum on the weekend and do whatever you want over the bbq.

my mil wanted me to block her ex sil, I said to dh absolutely not nor should you- how could you look your cousins in the eye.

There is no way I'd go.

The most agreeable options I'd give him is that he and kids go and he can pretend I'm ill (migraine or something)

There is also ZERO chance i would give up my relationship with SIL for 3 key reasons mostly relating to what best for your children.
He also shouldn't want to cut SIL out but im guessing appeasing his DB for a quiet life for himself is more important than doing what's a. right and b. best for his kids....

1. By dumping SIL What sort of a messages are you&your dh sending them about family (you can just discard family members), cheating (it's okay and we ostracise the injured party because its convenient) and relationships in general (she's the mother of your cousins children not a used tissue to be disposed of).
2. I would want my children to maintain good relationship with their cousins and that means maximising time together (ie seeing them on mums time as well as dad)
3. Basic societal values. Women generally get screwed in separations now: Majority childcare and thrn expected to fund that on the joke that is CMS. It's not okay. I'd want to be able to give my SIL a helping hand and a break on "her time" to be a decent human and member of society and to indirectly benefit her children / the cousins.

Your DHs attitude sucks and is classic male "path of least resistance"

Despite asking you to post i almost guarantee he will take zero of the responses onboard and will continue to pressure you to put up and shut up so "he doesnt have to deal with it" and you'll be criticised for "making problems for him" etc.

I presume you didn’t have obey in your wedding vows?

Im not sure why you ditched SIL in the first place? Because your DH told you too? You could’ve facilitated contact with cousins through her, meeting up etc together.

He now wants you to go and play happy families with the new “family” because he says so.. ….. if you don’t want to go, then don’t.

You can choose what you want to do, you don’t have to agree with everything your DH wants to do.

Whilst your dh takes the dc to the bbq why don’t you arrange to meet up with your ex sil.
Have a good catch up.

First of all no way would I have stopped speaking to my ex SIL because my dh told me to. I dont take orders from anyone including my DH. The poor woman has been through enough without adding more hurt to her. I would suggest your DH take a long hard look at himself and ask himself why he thinks he can control your friendships and why he wants to hurt hus ex SIL further. Secondly tell your dh we're to go, then go and apologise to your ex SIL as should he (this part is even more important if your ex SIL and BIL had kids together).

Thirdly if you don't want to go dont. If your dh does let him go and take the kids. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself.

Your poor ex SIL has been treated appalling by her ex and his family.

This exactly its not just the ex SIL who is being mistreated its your nieces and nephews being let down.

I would expect Op to elaborate further considering a fair few replies have commented on that particular element of the situation however it's been brushed over.

Life is short, you’re all grown ups and kids are involved (cousins). I’d go to the bbq and make an effort with OW. I’d also ignore your husband and keep in touch with ex-SIL as you get along and she’s the mother of your children’s cousins.

He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

Lol. What a dick your husband is. He might want to hang around people with no morals, but he doesn’t get tell you what you have to do. Tell him to fuck off.

DH told her not to keep in touch with SIL,

Foolishly she did that.

He’s now telling her to attend the BBQ, because she’s his wife?

Im not sure why you think “blood” means you have to agree with bad behaviour and facilitate it?

OP can have her own morals and not agree with her DHs families low morals.

Marriages break up, but shagging someone else whilst still married doesn’t mean you can then decide that everyone just has to play happy families with your mistress and forget everything else, including a SIL that’s been wronged.

You are an adult then act like one if you want to keep in touch with SIL then do so, why do women need men to do their thinking for them?

Up to you on the event go or not but not going just because they had an affair seems like something people may have done in the 1950s, and with modern blended family thing with kids all over the place seems a little judgemental only going if you approve a relationship set up if the new partner was on here complaining a guest refused to come to her event I can imagine the replies to that

Problem being he told OP to not speak to SIL anymore and she acquiesced, like a good little wifey!

He told her to ask on here, so she did. He did that because he thought we’d all agree with him. Now when she shows her the responses, it’ll be we’ve not agreed because we are bitter, blah blah!

More fool her, but now he thinks he can tell her to just buck up because “she’s his wife”!

Don’t go. Also don’t let your husband dictate who you can and cannot speak to.

No I’m not!

your “norms” are not “norms”.

It clearly states she stopped contacting SIL because she was told to, she had a good relationship, friend or not she could continue if she wanted, but was told not to.

You seem to agree that because she’s not blood this was right.

I don’t agree and base relationships on people sharing my moral views, rather than being blood and forgiving them bad behaviour.

Also BIL is not blood to OP, it’s her DHs brother so he can do as he likes, but not dictate to OP that it’s “blood”.