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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling pushed out of DGC life

371 replies

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:36

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

OP posts:
TheNightingalesStarling · 19/08/2025 19:39

Its up to the father (your DS) to get more contact time with the children.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 19/08/2025 19:40

Your son sees them once a week for 24 hours, and you wanted to take away every other weekend from him, so they could stay with you?

MidnightPatrol · 19/08/2025 19:40

TBH the route of this issue is that your son only sees them every other weekend for a few hours - so of course the amount of time available for you to see them is going to be limited.

Why does he have them so infrequently?

And regarding the first day at school - I agree all a bit much seeing lots of people and making an even bigger deal of it.

Purpleturtle45 · 19/08/2025 19:41

Why is your son having them so little? I agree with not having grandparents there on first day of school, that is overwhelming and should just be the parent.

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:43

MidnightPatrol · 19/08/2025 19:40

TBH the route of this issue is that your son only sees them every other weekend for a few hours - so of course the amount of time available for you to see them is going to be limited.

Why does he have them so infrequently?

And regarding the first day at school - I agree all a bit much seeing lots of people and making an even bigger deal of it.

Mum wants to take them to tennis on Saturday mornings so won’t allow Friday nights, mum also wants every other weekend to be fully her weekend.
Son can’t do school nights as he lives 25 minutes away and their school doesn’t have any wrap around care.

OP posts:
PaxAeterna · 19/08/2025 19:43

You’re in a tricky situation. Would your son like to have the children more? He doesn’t have a lot of access to them. Whose decision was that?

Unfortunately all you can do is ask that your son get more access. You can’t control the mother or have any influence over her. Be honest with her and say we’d love to maintain a close relationship with the children, please let us know how we can do that. But other than that you’ll have to work on your son.

lnks · 19/08/2025 19:44

The problem is that your son is not stepping up as a parent. Having them just one night out of 14 is pathetic.

Ddakji · 19/08/2025 19:46

That is a shame and I do feel for GPs on the non-main parent side.

I don’t see why you have to go through your DS - you aren’t him and he isn’t you.

But it does seem that your DS isn’t seeing his children much and and he really needs a bigger place for 3 children. And of course he could and should advocate for his children to see you more often.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/08/2025 19:46

Your son chose to live 25 mins away, he chose to see them for such a little amount of time, the problem is your son.

RuthChrisSt · 19/08/2025 19:47

Sounds about right. Blame the mother, not your son who only sees his children for 24hrs every 2 weeks. 🙄 perhaps your son should take greater responsibility for the 3 children he brought into this world.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 19/08/2025 19:47

Are you not embarrassed at how little your son bothers with his kids? 25 minutes is nothing.

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:48

RuthChrisSt · 19/08/2025 19:47

Sounds about right. Blame the mother, not your son who only sees his children for 24hrs every 2 weeks. 🙄 perhaps your son should take greater responsibility for the 3 children he brought into this world.

He would! Mum doesn’t want him to, partially as she prefers having the children herself, partially because the less he has them the more maintenance she can get from him!

OP posts:
NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:48

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 19/08/2025 19:47

Are you not embarrassed at how little your son bothers with his kids? 25 minutes is nothing.

It’s not nothing on a school morning when he has work at 8.30 and their school doesn’t have wrap around care

OP posts:
StarlightRobot · 19/08/2025 19:48

I would be more concerned about how little time your son has with his children. 25 minutes away isn’t far at all. He should make adjustments to his life and step up for them. It sounds like he had them too young and doesn’t want the responsibility now. Why did he agree that their mum has them every Christmas? This is on your son.

VaseofViolets · 19/08/2025 19:49

With respect - they’re not your children. You seem overly involved in their lives and it’s a bit much to be fretting about Christmas Day/Boxing Day. This is all very recent and new and the parents are settling into new routines and trying their best to be amicable, I’m guessing. Don’t make it harder for them by being demanding and entitled. You bought a school blazer and school shoes, which is very nice - that’s what nice grandparents do, they treat their grandchildren. It doesn’t entitle you to anything. Enjoy the time you have with them and don’t badger them for more time - it could go the other way. The last thing you want is to be an irritation or a nuisance.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 19:49

Your problem is with your son here, not the children’s mother. If he was actually being a parent you wouldn’t have these issues.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 19/08/2025 19:49

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:48

It’s not nothing on a school morning when he has work at 8.30 and their school doesn’t have wrap around care

Of course it's nothing. Millions of parents manage to see their kids and commute 25 minutes to work afterwards. I'd be absolutely mortified to see my kids such a small amount.

BeachPebbleWave · 19/08/2025 19:49

Your son needs to step up more. He can most certainly do a mid week if he is a council joiner. He can use flexi time, lieu time, compress his hours, use parental leave. Also, 25 minutes away is nothing.

Honestly, how does he think commuting mums with no wraparound manage?!

VaseofViolets · 19/08/2025 19:50

With respect - they’re not your children. You seem overly involved in their lives and it’s a bit much to be fretting about Christmas Day/Boxing Day. This is all very recent and new and the parents are settling into new routines and trying their best to be amicable, I’m guessing. Don’t make it harder for them by being demanding and entitled. You bought a school blazer and school shoes, which is very nice - that’s what nice grandparents do, they treat their grandchildren. It doesn’t entitle you to anything. Enjoy the time you have with them and don’t badger them for more time - it could go the other way. The last thing you want is to be an irritation or a nuisance.

MidnightPatrol · 19/08/2025 19:50

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:48

He would! Mum doesn’t want him to, partially as she prefers having the children herself, partially because the less he has them the more maintenance she can get from him!

It’s not up to her to dictate what will and will not happen.

If he’s not happy with the amount he’s seeing the children, he can use legal channels to agree a schedule which allows him more access.

Why don’t you help him with school drop
offs a couple of days a week? Then you can see your grandchildren and he can have them more often.

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:50

StarlightRobot · 19/08/2025 19:48

I would be more concerned about how little time your son has with his children. 25 minutes away isn’t far at all. He should make adjustments to his life and step up for them. It sounds like he had them too young and doesn’t want the responsibility now. Why did he agree that their mum has them every Christmas? This is on your son.

He will go over and see them on Christmas morning for presents then she will take them to her family for the afternoon. He will pick them up Boxing Day morning and have them until the 27th at ours. He said this sounds fine to him.

OP posts:
lnks · 19/08/2025 19:50

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:48

He would! Mum doesn’t want him to, partially as she prefers having the children herself, partially because the less he has them the more maintenance she can get from him!

You said:

“I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is”

You’re now trying to back pedal and blame it on the mum.

NannyJignea · 19/08/2025 19:51

MidnightPatrol · 19/08/2025 19:50

It’s not up to her to dictate what will and will not happen.

If he’s not happy with the amount he’s seeing the children, he can use legal channels to agree a schedule which allows him more access.

Why don’t you help him with school drop
offs a couple of days a week? Then you can see your grandchildren and he can have them more often.

He doesn’t want to cause a fight with mum and we can’t drive so would struggle to do the school run as mum is in a rural village.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 19:51

Your son is a bit of a deadbeat dad but you’re trying to criticise the mum who actually has her kids full time, crazy

Bluemoon9 · 19/08/2025 19:51

You want to have your grandchildren all weekend every other week? That’s a lot. I wouldn’t be happy with my son going to his grandparents for all that time either as the weekends are time we get to spend together!

You need to arrange visits through your son not their mum.

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