Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

I currently work for a council and have worked for several others including managing joiners and similar roles. I find it surprising there is no flexibility at his council. Has he actually asked? That would be a good start.

This. Instead of encouraging your son to step up and he a decent father your are has going his poor ex!

You are full of excuses as to why he can’t look after his kids but hundreds of thousands of single mums seem to manage it .

Could you take them to school one morning a week- taxi to the town and then bus to school & buses back to yours?

We can’t support the school run because of the bus issue and DS has no flexibility in his work hours other than going part time which wouldn’t help in the grand scheme of things so school nights always have to be at mums.

Of course they don't. He could see them in the evenings quite easily if he could be arsed.

I am a Grandparent myself and I think from what you have said that Mum is being generous with you and thoughtful. Obviously logistics are making things difficult for things to be different and I'm not really sure what else you want to happen?

Of course your DS wants to see his children every other weekend that is his time with them and not you really. Also Mum wants to see her children every other weekend too - again this is totally reasonable.

You were invited to their birthday party and dinner on the actual day. You said you think the Mum is controlling and I disagree - she is controlling and organising a very difficult situation. Her first priority needs to be her children and it sounds like she's doing a great job. Your son sees them as often as he can. From what you have said, he can't have them during the week anyway as he is too far from their school. So it's really only the Friday night/Saturday morning thing.

I would be careful not to try to be too controlling yourself with this. Offer help, turn up to all the invites and don't pressure the Mum or your son for that matter to see the children more. Of course children are lucky and fortunate to have loving grandparents but they don't need to see them every week to build a long lasting and important relationship with them.

Put the children at the centre of all of this and not what you want. They are the most important things after all.

I mean that’s fair.

Why should he get to just drop them off and leave her the grunt work of getting ready and taking to school.

He either does overnight and morning childcare and school run is his issue to solve or he doesn’t have them overnight on a school night.

Lots of she says no and she won’t and she doesn’t want.

No son’s willing to do this, his asked to change hours, his looking for other jobs.

Lots of granny wanting this and that and helping with this and that.

Notice it’s the two women who are actually doing the most, childcare and financing while the man goes eugh I get one night a fortnight it’s all dandy.

Considering how often your son has the kids, I think that you are seeing them a reasonable amount. I’m not sure exactly what else you are expecting to be honest.

I completely agree with not being there the first day of school. Whenever my parents and in laws are with us, my son gets so excited and overwhelmed. It’s just it needed on the first day of school and not only that but it’s a really special moment for parents to take their kids to school for their first day. I don’t feel grandparents have any right to be there even though you bought school uniform.

It sounds to me that you are still being thought of, if mum is still inviting you to birthday parties etc.
Re Christmas, we stay at home most of Christmas Day, go to my parents late afternoon and then the in laws all day Boxing Day so again, I don’t see the issue with it. Just make Boxing Day your Christmas with the kids.

I do think mum sounds a bit unreasonable with how little she will allow your son to have the kids though. The only thing that will change that, if if he goes to court to get a visitation order. I would imagine they will give him Friday and Saturday night every other week if he requests it, but he will obviously then need to take the kids the tennis.

In all the time they were together, what efforts did you make to build a relationship with her. Maybe if you did something or try and do something she’ll let you in!

ding ding ding
I was waiting for this line to be trotted out.

If your son wants to see his kids more which he clearly doesn't he can go to court for access but no doubt he'll claim he can't afford to

“he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.”

OP, how on earth does he accommodate three children in a one-bedroomed flat? If I were his ex, I wouldn’t be at all happy about this, and as the DC get older, I doubt they will be happy, either. If you have a bigger house, could your persuade your DS to let them come and sleep over at yours? The whole arrangement sounds dreadful at the moment - your DS is obviously not that bothered about the DGC staying with you, as he has declined to have his DC on a Friday so they could stay with you.
Also - have you considered what the DGC might prefer in all this? Most children, especially younger ones, would prefer to spend Christmas with their mother than with their grandparents. Don’t blame their mother for being controlling - she’s just trying to do the best for her DC. You say you don’t drive, so she probably doesn’t want you to have them for an evening in the week because she would have to come and pick them up. You might like to see more of your DGC, but their mother isn’t actually being mean or controlling.

Could you not take the kids to school for him? Say if he had them Friday - Monday, you could do the Friday pick up from school and the Monday drop off for him? That way the wrap around care isn’t an issue? Presuming you aren’t working yourself of course.

If your son gave a shit about his kids he would have a court order for more contact. He can’t be arsed, that says all we need to know. You raised him, you reap what you sow.

It’s all just excuses. He has chosen to live away from the school, he chooses not to apply for any flexible working. His choice.

The three children share his bed and he sleeps on the sofa that one night a fortnight. It’s not ideal but it works for now. He does plan to move to somewhere bigger but the break up was all very fast so he had to rush to find somewhere.

I think their mother is being boundaried rather than controlling. It’s not reasonable for grandparents to be part of their first day of school, regardless of what they have paid for. And seeing extended family on Boxing Day is very normal.

I would be willing to bet that the mother is making sure he doesn't have them longer and if he tries for more access she will become even more difficult. They're her little weapons, personally I wouldn't have bought her all that school stuff.

Maybe instead of saying what you want...ask her is she'd like any help?
Or what help would be useful for her.
She is almost single parenting 3 little children and working.

OP, I’d be absolutely amazed if a council wouldn’t allow flexible hours to help with child care.
employers are obligated to make reasonable adjustments for such things and a council would be very unwise to simply not allow an employee to be flexible for something like this.
I suspect your son hasn’t bothered to ask. Because he either doesn’t really want to or just doesn’t think it’s his responsibility.

My ex is like this, will drop our son off to me on his nights because he starts early the next day, or get his parents to do school runs…his employer (also mine) would definitely allow him to be flexible but he doesn’t really want to so won’t ask. He’s equally rubbish in all parenting areas.

Your son is the problem, the sooner you face up to this and encourage him to get his shit together the better.
23 hours every two weeks and he’s happy with that…what a prize. I’d be disgusted in my son if that were his attitude.

Mom Is absolutely correct that she shouldn’t be doing school runs on his parenting days. He should be fully responsible for the children for 24 hours. That means everything that comes up during his allotted time is his responsibility.

that is why it’s such a big deal he isn’t compromising his career at all to be a parent. She has to manage to earn a living around school runs, deal with sick days, take children to doctors appointments, and take care of all the little things that encroach on the ability to hold down a job. There is no chance the cms he is paying is compensating her for the income she could be earning if she had his freedom, plus she has all the children’s expenses which most likely are more than half the cms.

this setup is blatantly unfair and as a mother you should be furious with your son, not defending him because life is hard.

It’s not the mother’s job to facilitate contact between you and the children, it should be entirely down to your son.

Sounds like you think you can buy access to them and that your "spoiling" them has an unspoken quid pro quo attached. Also sounds like you strongly dislike and disrespect mum, so can't see why she would facilitate access for you more than she has to. That is for your son to do, which he would find a way to do it he could be bothered - but I reckon as with many men it suits him fine to do the bare minimum of parenting and to play the martyr about the wicked woman who "takes all the the maintenance" and "won't let me see my kids". If course she wants her kids as much as she can get them. She's a mother. If he wants more access there are channels he could pursue. But he won't. Because he doesn't.

If your son's partner had died, he would have to find a way around the lack of wrap around and readily available babysitters to pick his own children up and drop them off at school. Conveniently for him he has a woman available to do all the compromising and making do and finding work that actually fits around her family commitments, who he then gets to blame for how little he is doing - win win!

Honestly your thread is as old as the hills. You have a son who has failed to make his family work, has wandered away to the periphery of his own children's lives, and now you want to blame his ex because you don't see enough of his kids?

Look at the man you raised and the easy route he's taking and blame him, not the woman actually taking care of your grandkids.

All the excuses for your son. And you raised him and defend him and are making digs about her. Like mother like son.

I see your pov op. You miss the children and would love to see them more.

I think first day of school should be kept normal. So forget that

I suggest your son asks for more time with them. He could ask for dinner once a week. Court would say yes

He is hardly seeing them ! Does he not miss them and want to push for more time ? Then you could be part of that.

For now I think stop fretting over Christmas.

Is there anything you could offer mum that she might find helpful ?

What's the arrangement at your house? Do you have multiple bedrooms so the son and 3 children could stay with you on his weekends?

We have a 3 bedroom house; we have offered that to our son they just stay here but he says he likes to have his space with them.

OP i understand why you want to see more of your grandchildren but I honestly don't think that their mum has done anything wrong EXCEPT for Christmas. That should be shared year by year.