Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

Oh you are one of those grandparents OP!!
Just chill out and let them parent, you be what you are and grandparent. You seem very much to be trying to over step!
If shes happy for you to have them on specific term dates and you will have them for boxing day etc. I dont see the problem. Stop trying to control the situation. Its rather unpleasant.
Also he decided to live in a 1 bedroom flat, not with you (this says alot) or somewhere bigger to have the children more. Hes obviously content! Leave them alone.
You also do not need to be there on the first day of school, you should just happily wait for photos, like all extended family do.

OP I would watch your attitude to the children’s mother. I’m sure she’s aware that you don’t think much of her and think that she’s just after money.
If you don’t watch it, watch your current access dry up.
My MIL has never made a secret of the fact that she doesn’t like me. I put up with it for years until one day I reached breaking point. I simply stopped being the point of contact. If she wants anything to do with her son and our daughter, she has to go through him. I am not blocking access by any means or stopping him from doing anything, it’s just now that it’s left to him she’s found that her son just isn’t very good at facilitating contact.
You will find this to be the case if you keep slagging her off.

See thatsca good description of my ex. However his mother ( despite him telling her to forget she had grandchildren " was very helpful and a great support to me. Also had a good relationship with both kids.

She's now in her 80s and very close to my eldest and her and I still have a good relationship

I don’t think the dad needs to ‘fight’ for the week day tea. I bet the mum would happily agree to it. The issue is the dad can’t do any weekday parenting.

Agree. I think this is the issue. I imagine mum would be happy enough for tea with the grandparents if she didn't have to facilitate this. If the son looked at flexible working he could organise an early finish one weekday, pick the kids up from school and maybe then go to the grandparents for tea. It is the son who seems quite happy with the arrangements and being a part time dad.

I know many have now said it OP. But I think it's your son you really need to focus on here.

Could you sit down with him and be really honest - say, look it's not good enough to say 'oh she won't let me ' or 'I can't make it work'. There are literally thousands of single mums who make it work with childcare if they have to - I know several myself who have totally absent dads for their kids.

Your son could even drop a day of work if he had to - the council will have to consider it. Or you could step in and help get the kids to school.

I think your son is young and he needs you to be clear about what is the right thing to do - tell him he will regret when he is older that he only saw his kids once a fortnight.

Of course mum wants to take them to tennis, she has them all week for school and wants to enjoy the litlte social things like that - tennis/football is a really key part of making friends in the community. Maybe it's a highlight of her week - it certainly used to be when mine were small, getting up going and chatting on the sidelines.

I think you and your son between you need to be offering mum genuine shared care, during the week that works for the children and for her. Not moaning and sniping over christmas days etc when there isn't a real shared parenting partnership going on here.

As others have said, if she died - your son would simply have to make it work. Or - if as many men do - she just vanished entirely. he would have to make it work

Some of them can definitely be very demanding. I've seen that. Must be incredibly irritating and draining for parents, I know. Just seems such a pity if estrangements result.

Just that it's the norm for people to love their GCs and most people are well-meaning where the GCs are concerned. Of course, abusive and toxic people shouldn't be able to see the GCs, but I'm talking about normal people here. Normal, if annoying...which brings me to....

I agree that some GCs are very demanding. I've seen quite a lot of that. When it results in a lot of distance, the children lose out, and it's just a pity. We knew our GPs well, but they definitely were not second parents. They kept their distance from parenting and let the parents parent. That's how it should be.

I can understand keeping you parents away if they kept you away from your GPs. That's a natural reaction. I'm really sorry that you never really knew them. That's very sad. I wonder if you could ask family members, like aunts and uncles, about them? Maybe try to get to "know" them a bit posthumously? I joined ancestry.co.uk and found out SO much about my grandparents and their parents and grandparents that I hadn't known. They're all listed in the various censuses, with their addresses (which I looked up on Google; some are still there and some not), and their occupations, any health conditions, lots of stuff. Sometimes other users have posted photos and info about them. I felt I got to know more about them via ancestry, and lots about their forebears, too. If any of them fought in WW1 or 2, all their military records will be there, too. I found out, from the daily diaries that the heads of platoons had to keep, what happened the night my great-great-great grandfather died on the Somme. The diaries are online. Seriously, it's an absolute treasure trove on there. (I promise I am not a shill for ancestry!!!)

Playing favourites is DEFINITELY not on!

@waterrat Brilliant post. Agree with all.

YABU

Learn to drive

Suggest that your son organises to have his children more often so that you get to see them more often

If his ex says no to this, suggest he takes her to court for more access for HIM so that YOU get more access

I bet my bottom dollar that your son won't do this because he's a useless SOB

I bet you won't learn to drive because you just want to whinge and blame the mother

100%. He should take her to court to get more access and so he can pay less CM. But he knows he is getting a very good deal here and getting far more than what he is paying in CM. His life will be a lot harder if he has his children more and he knows it, that's why he's not doing what needs to be done.

Can people please stop advising OP that her son should take the mother of his child to court!!

FFS.

@Blessthismess2 I agree that he should first ask to have his children more often and pursue mediation if she refuses. Going to court would be the last resort if she’s actually preventing him from more contact - and it’s not clear that she’s doing that.

The OP seems to think that she is, but it could also be her son being a lazy parent.

Oh wow you and your son both are completely useless. You just want the children for Disney weekends. Good job the children have a mum to look after then as your son is as useful as a chocolate teapot. You aren’t any better!

Honestly it sounds like son is fine with the arrangement as is !

You saw her every two weeks and she cried - in front of you - every time you left? Goodness.

I don't have aunts, uncles or cousins either. Well, I do, but I've never known them either. One aunt did gather some information on family, and I've read through that. Very interesting really. Such different lives. It's a very large family that has been in the same area forever, so being removed from that is a very different life for me too.

It's not that I intentionally kept my parents away, it's more that I didn't know what to do with grandparents and how they worked, as silly as that sounds. I tried to discuss it with my MIL when I was pregnant with my first but she didn't really enter into the discussion, which was a shame. It's been really hard having the pull between the learned nuclear family mentality and having any extended family.

If I was only allowed to see my children once a fortnight, and the mother wouldn't allow more, what else are you meant to do but go to court?

There's no evidence that this is what is happening here though. The father seems quite happy with how things are and doesn't seem to want more time. Pity.

Even though he could go to court, it doesn’t mean that he should.

He’s living in a one-bedroom flat. When his children are with him, they all sleep in the bed and he’s on the sofa. It’s not ideal that they don’t have their own beds and bedrooms, and if he’s a good father, he will prioritise their well-being and comfort over his desire to have them all crammed into his unsuitable flat. It’s about what’s best for the children.

Of course, he clearly has a bit of work to get set up to be able to have the children more, if he even wants to. He would need to take care of things like getting proper accommodation for them before he considers having them more. Once all that is sorted, once a fortnight wouldn't be enough for me as a parent. Don't go to court, work it out together, but if the other parent won't be fair? Sometimes court is the way you have to go.

I absolutely agree with you!

Right but he hasn’t done those things has he, so why is everyone advising he should go to court?
Awful.
Court is a last resort. Good parents try to work things amicably in the best interests of their children.

There's no evidence that this is what is happening here though

exactly.