Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

Also this. Son needs to move closer to the children’s school, get a flat with appropriate bedrooms, and increase his custody. Then there will be more days yoy can visit while they’re with him.

No local childminder?

Well that's a great idea in theory but housing markets and incomes don't really always allow this, especially if he's paying reasonable maintenance so the children can stay in their family home.

We live in a rural council area there isn’t just an abundance of work, mums village is pretty expensive to live in as it’s in the catchment for the best primary and secondary schools in our council area and is one of the few areas to be connected to a bigger city by train in our council area. Flats rarely come up for let here and when they do they are much more expensive than our village. Mum can only afford to live there as she in from the village and was able to get a council house there.

Didn’t take long for the mum wants them more for more money after saying he doesn’t earn much.

Face it sons happy with what little time he gets.

Just wanted to say, to you and anyone else on here - please don’t include family members beyond parents on the first school run!
It’s a nightmare for staff who are trying to settle new starters in as smoothly as possible and the poor children need minimal fuss and chaos!
Most foundation classes have around 25 children, imagine if every child brought 2 parents and grandparents 😳

You have a DS problem, not a (ex) DIL problem. Your son is a part time father, barely even that. I would be more bothered about him not wanting to see more of his children than about her wanting to maintain some sort of routine for the children.

@IamnotSethRogan

I strongly disagree- a father who only sees his children every other weekend is definitely a deadbeat dad in my book. Children need both of their parents and fathers are incredibly important- fathers who are present, interested and available for their children.

It’s bizarre that a 25 minute drive or living in the next village is seen as some kind of obstacle- they aren’t and solutions are always available. He could simply move and as a parent he has a right to request flexible working for school drop offs, or he could find another full time job that accommodates this.

The excuses are simply that.

This is actually massive issue in the village mum lives in, it’s forever being pushed on about it in the local Facebook group. The village is very popular with families and the school doesn’t have wrap around care, this means the few childminders there are, are almost always at capacity with waiting lists and even then prefer the children who attend every day rather than just a few. Also mum works in a term time nursery so they avoid her as she wouldn’t be using them in the school holidays at all.

This is a good idea, the school drop off. That would actually help him and she could see the kids more. Ultimately you have no right to see them. But it is good OP cares.

As many others say, OP, your son needs to go down the legal route to get more time with the kids, then you will get more. Seeing them for 24-ish hours isn't really being a father is it?

You can't really expect the kids mum to let you take them on her time.

Though if you have a good relationship with the mum you'd think she'd be happy for the occasional childcare. It would need to be on her terms and having heard how you speak of her it's clear you're not fond of her so the feeling is probably mutual.

I agree with PP’s that your son needs to be involved in his children’s lives, once a fortnight for 24 hours is so little.

OK, they only split up in January and he had to figure out his housing quickly, but really, it would be better if he could move closer to their school and arrange more contact.
If he went to court, he could definitely get this- he may want to avoid court, but he does have rights.

Your son is the problem,he’s inflexible and isn’t really overstretching himself and he’s cruising and that includes minimal time with his kids.

Your son needs to learn to drive seeing as he has lots of children he rarely sees because he can’t drive. If he drove and had a 2 bed house or flat then he’d be able to have the children more often and take them to tennis.

The Issue isn’t with the mum here, she loves tennis and wants to take them to a club that her children seem to enjoy, which is run by her friend. Of course she wants to be the one to take them to that. Why not offer to pick them up straight from tennis so you can have a couple of hours with them before they go to their dads?

Your son needs to be around more, he needs to start looking for alternative jobs that would help the situation. I know that’s easier said than done but he can start and keep an eye on what comes up.

I couldn’t be apart from my children, if my dh and I split up and only wanted them every other weekend and didn’t push for more then I’d be disappointed in him. I would feel like he didn’t care for the kids as much as I did. I also wouldn’t be willing to share Christmas or birthdays with him.
25 hours every second week just isn’t enough, your son needs to prove to everyone that he wants to be in the children’s lives more.

He can drive but that doesn’t help, he starts work at 8.30-4.30. He’s a joiner for the council so works in a team where flexible hours aren’t easy to get (they share a van to get to jobs etc). Renting a 2 bed in mums village would be near on impossible, they rarely come up and there is always high competition when they do and even then he would still have the wraparound care issue as mum said she’s not letting him have them overnight then drop them to her for the school run as it’s too disruptive.

The school thing is weird. I’m very close to my mum but she’s never come over to “see them off” It’s a busy enough day as it is!! Aren’t you just happy getting pics like every other grandparent in the country.

It’s also very icky that you mention buying her very expensive blazer and lelli kellis in the same breath. Gifts shouldn’t have conditions, otherwise don’t bother.

You’re being overbearing, I think it’s lovely you still got invited for the birthday meal etc. you seem to have a kind ex DIL so don’t ruin it…

Your son is a deadbeat dad, little more than a sperm donor. He has been offered more time with his kids but doesn't want it. As for your comment about the mother wanting to get more maintenance out of him, this would not be an issue if he stepped up and had the kids half of the time. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. He needs to move closer to the children and actually be part of their lives. Remember this is the son you raised, he is the problem, not the mother of the children.

They are not your kids.

I dislike how you have listed what you bought for them. Presumably your son thanked you?

Seeing them off on their first day. It’s too pushy.
The more you push, the more your DIL will keep you at arm’s length too. I would.

Could you take them to school?

Like I’ve said, we don’t drive and it would be two buses and arriving very early (before the gates are unlocked) to be there on time.

And naturally he’s devastated at her wicked ways and is taking her to court?

Ok then, he needs to learn to drive.

The point is, there seem to be a lot of excuses for why son can only have his kids for one night every two weeks, but if OP wants more time with her grandkids then he needs to find a way to have them more often.

It isn’t for mum to have to arrange visits with her ex-in laws while the kids are with her. She has her own family to make arrangements for.

@NannyJignea He needs to be more assertive, his ex can’t dictate everything.

If he wants to have more overnights with them, he can go to court- although he’ll need a larger flat to house them.

Try Gransnet - this sort of thing comes up a lot on there.

Your GC only have so much time with their Dad and it makes sense that he wants to make the most of this and have them to himself while he can.

He should perhaps be looking at getting a court order for more access if that is what he wants - it is likely that you would see them more if this happened. But in the end this has to be his decision.

However - the aim is to do what's best for the children and, painful though it might be, this separation is likely to mean you see less of the GC - I know it is hard. I have GC too. The more stable adults they have in their lives the better, so you may have to bide your time and not rock the boat as you do not want to alienate their mother, which would be in no-one's interests.

Whatever you do keep things sweet - you do not want to add an "atmosphere" between the adults to what is already a confusing time for the children.

sorry but you're being very unreasonable.

It hurts but none of this is your decision, the best you can do is offer to help mom in meaningful ways and stand back. All these things you want are her decision so honestly I'd do my damnedest to make her life easier and suck up to her to get more time with the children. Bribery in the form of being always helpful and never ever criticizing her are the surest path to the children you love.

I hope you never say to her that you feel pushed out as that's manipulative and just wrong.