Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

I think really he should be doing one whole weekend and then you could see them in that time.

These three young children are adjusting to a dramatic change in their home life and visits with dad at a new place where they don't have their own rooms or beds. Their mum is figuring out how to be a single parent to three young children while working full time. And your son is (to give him the benefit of the doubt) trying to figure out how to build and maintain a strong relationship with his children in very limited time in a very different setting. They don't need to be passed around to a third house and no one needs or wants you trying to wedge in as a third parent.

You see your DGC every other weekend for a visit, on their birthday (courtesy of their mum making that happen), and for Christmas even if it isn't the day of, and their mum is happy to let you have them for inservice days. Maybe that amount will grow, but you need to back off and focus on being supportive of what the children and their parents need (not what you want) or it could easily go the other way. You're blaming the mum and making excuses for your DS, but actually it seems like your DS is also trying to set some boundaries about how much time you have with the kids and you should take note.

As for your comment about the mum only wanting her kids at home for the money... frankly both parents are right to keep you at arms length from themselves and the children if you think that's acceptable to say about their mum.

He can apply for flexible working. Anyone can.

I agree with mum there. Basically he wants to have them overnight and then bring them back so she can do the drop offs and pick ups and he makes no sacrifices while she does it all. She is right to tell him, he does it properly or not at all. Why should she be the one doing all the bending over and he does naff all?

Also this is not about 'how much money she can get out of him' that line is one used by lazy parents who want to excuse their lack of parenting. Him paying more if for the children not her.

Is his contact time court ordered or is it an informal arrangement?

he doesn’t see the point as she likes taking them to tennis and why argue if they’d be staying with us anyway and not him

your son is correct:

If you really want more contact that much, one of you could learn to drive. If your son is only 25 you're probably only in your 50s or early 60s yourself still?

It seems as though you're asking for the children delivered to you effectively without being able to offer much in return for the time and disruption this will cause their mother (who's presumably herself a very young woman doing 13/14ths of the parenting for three children age 5 and under, whilst working herself).

If you could drive, you could make yourselves indispensable with babysitting and school runs IF that's really what you want...

I'd guess that you probably don't want more contact with your grandchildren that much though, you want their mother to be the one doing the extra work and making the sacrifices of time with her children and of time bringing them to you and of giving up parts of her weekend which she enjoys, to give you what you want.

Has he actually asked his job if he could start later one day a week?
I think a lot of dads don't even try and leave the uncomfortable conversations to the mums to sort the nursery snd school runs.

Also don't understand the issue with the birthdays as you say you were present? Is it just that she also was? Surely you wouldn't think their mother shouldn't be at their birthday qnd only you?

Agreed with every other reply on here. Leave the woman alone and tell your son to step up and take some responsibility for his children.
I wouldn’t want anyone, father or not, having my children overnight unless they had their own beds.

If mum has said no, you need to respect that and have your time with GC on your sons watch.
Whilst I would appreciate grandparents offer of picking the children up from school and having them for dinner, I’d have to decline due to you not driving or being in walking distance. I don’t see a bus or taxi as a sustainable option for you let alone the children.

Just adding to what other posters have said - your son not having flexible options etc for his work is very unlikely, that's just the line he is pushing and you are accepting what he is saying. Many many many men now have flexibility, all they need are the want and balls to actually ask for it.

When asked for they nearly always can get it, we just live in a world when many men would simply prefer not to go to their boss and request it.

I know many dads that work in male dominated roles or roles where traditionally the men wouldn't be on flexible working requests, but those that have actually applied for it have been granted it - has your son actually asked? Has he actually put in a formal flexible working requests request? Has he looked at compressed hours etc

It is very much don't ask don't get and hiding behind an assumption it's not possible when actually the law provides for the ability to make requests for exactly this reason.

That sounds fine to me.

@NannyJignea , it sounds like a difficult time for your son and his ExW and DC.

Im confused what arrangement you have with the DGC's, is it for when she works? That sounds perfect. Both parents are missing out on time with their DC following separation. If you can have them when their parents are working that would be ideal.

I think your son is totally right that he needs time alone with his DC, given the limited time he has with them.

It would be really good if you could support him to arrange more regular time with his DC, for HIM and them.

Other than that, can you move within walking distance of the DGC or the middle town you mentioned with better transport?

My mum sees my DC maybe once a year (we live in different countries). There are other ways you can connect with grandkids without interfering with parents' routines. Maybe you can have a video call with them a couple nights a week (a good way to 'babysit' ie keep kids busy while mum makes dinner, etc.). You could be penpals. Getting letters just for them is fun for children. You could give them a matching teddy with one you have and take pictures of their 'adventures' and send them to each other. Be thankful with what you have!

You need to accept this is what its like with seperated parents and your grandparents- there's his ex partners parents too
They both work so obviously don't see the kids during the day and want to spend time at evenings and weekends. Your son only has limited time so he doesnt want to give that up.
A friend I know was in your position, she was a bit upset and annoyed like you but she understood each parent wanted their time with the kids

What a lovely idea! I would have loved this as a child

Does it not occur to you that she could get more money if he stepped up and had the kids more, then she could work on her career and earn more? Yet another man free to work on his career completely unfettered by any commitments, while yet another woman has to pick up the slack and completely sacrifice herself in the process.

Is there a reason neither of you drive OP? I think that may help you offer some practical assistance.

Nice dig at the mum. So son offers to keep maintenance the same even if he has the kids more, surely thats the way around it

You seem confused as to whose children they are, they are not yours.
And buying a school blazer does not buy you any rights.

You need to try and see them whilst they are with their father, your son.

Why was the break up so fast?

Nope. That’s not what OP said at all! Big sigh
Read it again.

Fair play to her bringing up 3 little ones on her own and working full time, I take my hat off to her! I'm run ragged with one older one!

I really think you need to take the pressure off a little bit, as PPs have said and IME, it's still quite a fresh break up, see how things evolve as they get into the rhythm of things, the children will grow, hobbies etc may change, your sons living situation could change.

Even if you were right and you're being pushed out (and I don't think you are, as much as you would like to see more of them) demanding more time will not work, you'll just lose the invites to parties etc.

I would go with PPs suggestion of asking for a couple of hours after tennis before your son picks them up and then the odd day in half term to take them to the park or something (and then drop them off so she doesn't have to run about collecting them)

F me you sound like the MIL from H E L L!!!
You do realise these are not your children right? You are coming across as far too entitled (also look up grandparents rights…!)

Me and my husband are together but we wouldn’t want PIL to have our children every other weekend. Weekends are precious. Their mother deserves one of the weekends and the father the other. The fact you think you are owed the mother’s weekend - the only down time with her children, is outrageous.

The comment about the mother wanting them all the time for money is disgusting. CMS isn’t even decent money to cover the cost of raising children. You’ve reminded me not to accept money from grandparents - it seems it always comes with strings attached and is never a real gift.

Your son has very little custody time, 24 hours every other weekend and he wants the kids to overnight at his place on those nights. If he decides he wants to share his custody time with you, he can go get an amended custody order.

How can you want them every other weekend? You're not parents. You aren't entitled to custody time. Your son needs his limited time with them. Their mom gets to do weekend things with them. Why should she give up her weekend time, which is decompression from the week time and doing fun stuff to you?

Your expectations are unreasonable. This is the new norm and you're not going to be seeing the kids much because your son has so little custody time that he wants them with him.

If you drove, you might be able to offer some practical help like backup care or the occasional school pickup.

As a reception teacher she is absolutely right about the drop off. We get groups of people turning up for some children and it IS overwhelming.

I'm afraid I agree with this. OP you are not coming across well at all here and frankly, you need to be questioning your son and why he isnt stepping up by learning to drive, asking for flexi time at work and accepting your offer of more space for the kids to have their own beds.

Does it not occur to you as strange that he isnt taking action on any of these issues at all?

Sounds to me like he doesnt care. If he did, he'd do something about it.