Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

They are not your children, OP. You’ve had your own child and raised him, now it’s their turn to raise theirs.

Excuse me - pls don't "FFS" me
And I'm far from the only person who has said it.

I think what people are meaning is that this is what the son should do if he really wants more time with his kids, but it’s clear that he doesn’t.

He's not in any position to be taking the kids more at the moment anyway (except for maybe having dinners with them during the week, taking them to the park, etc). He needs to get a properly set up home for them first. Then only if the mother blocks him having more access should he consider court. It's definitely better to work out something mutually as the first option.

From OP's description he seems quite happy with the status quo. Minimal parenting.

👍🏻

I think what people are meaning is that this is what the son should do if he really wants more time with his kids

no. If he really wants more time with the kids, he should sort himself out with appropriate housing/ work schedule etc, so he can see them more , then he should come to the mum with a proposal that will work for everyone- especially kids, and a commitment to be a more involved dad!

My guess is that the father doesn’t WANT any more time with his kids. That he’s happy to leave 94% of the overnights and 99% of the work to his ex so that he can be free to spend nearly all his time and his money on himself and live the life of a single, child free man.

He is probably dating again and doesn’t want to be tied down with his own children. I predict that once he moves in with a new partner, he will see his own children even less than the 24 nights a year he does now.

But his mother doesn't want to admit this, hence the pathetic list of excuses for him being such a loser.

It’s very poor show that the Op is trying to make her own wish to see the GC yet another responsibility for the ( I assume ) young woman who is doing an amazing job bringing up 3 children on her own and holding down a job.

If this was my DIL I’d be so proud of the way she is coping . Not asking her to do EVEN MORE THINGS to accommodate me.

I agree with all of this. I'd bet my mortgage he is already dating or "seeing" someone new and the kids already put a cramp in his love life.

Exactly, there is nothing to suggest the mum is blocking contact.
She wants to take them tennis which is fair enough as she has an interest in it. Perhaps her ex can take the kids to another club he is interested in.
Likewise the saying no to dinner one evening is only because the OP is expecting mum to pick the kids up from school/nursery and drop off at the grandparents, rather than her precious son looking at his work arrangements and using any flexible working rights he has with the council to finish early to pick them up himself and facilitate this.
The fact the grandparents don't drive make them useless in helping at any point which could be beneficial and if the son wanted shared custody then he certainly would need to look at his work hours or sorting childcare and finding a proper place to live. I don't see anyone being favourable of a 50:50 split where the children are all sharing a bed and the parent says they wouldn't be able to take them to school/pick up on time.

@Moonnstars Agree. It seems very much that Mum is expected to do all the boring stuff like ferrying kids to and from school, managing appointments and homework etc, and Dad and Granny want to be able to drop in for the fun times. That’s not fair. If they want to have the kids for tea after school they need to come get them and drop them back, not give Mum yet more journeys to do. And they shouldn’t resent her being the one to take them to tennis if a) it’s her hobby and b) that’s the one fun thing she gets to do with them at the end of a long week of school runs!

Dad needs to step up. All this “but he works till 4.30!” is not an excuse. That’s actually a really early finish time compared to most people. Plus he works for the Council where people have a lot more rights re flexible working than in the private sector.

Honestly it sounds like your son is the issue here. He's not willing to compromise or step up and do what he needs to do to be a parent. He needs to make changes to his job and routine in the same way their mum would to accommodate them, because there's no other choice.

He doesn't have appropriate accomodation for them, you do, he should be pushing for more parenting time and willing to spend that time at your house if necessary for it to happen. He also needs to change his job, or find a childminder in the area. There's a shortage yes but they must exist surely? Or could he have the kids overnight then you take them to school in a taxi and get the bus home? Feels like there's all sorts of potential solutions that haven't been explored.

Yes and I felt the same!

I really missed her, and two weeks felt like such a long time. We had a very strong bond

Im trying to describe how it felt.

It would be like someone saying to a mother - you cant see your child for two weeks - its a long time and you would miss them every day wouldnt you.

I think a lot of parents dont realise the deep connection between grandchild and grandparent.

I used to cry and miss my granny a lot

I’m not denying the connection, most grandparents and grandchildren love each other deeply. What you describe is quite out of the ordinary though - she was an adult and it’s unusual that she would cry in front of you, potentially causing you distress, rather than save it till after you left. No wonder you cried too, it must all have been very dramatic and upsetting.

Yes. There was something else too that was making her cry. It was extra stressful in my childhood situation, now I think of it.

My granny was crying because she knew that i would not be around for much longer.

At the time my granny was crying,

My parents had divorced. My mum and dad were from different countries.

I was in the same country as my dad and gran until i was 7.

The last year that i was there, my mum kept talking taking me away, and taking me back to my mums home country to live there.

My granny was crying when she saw me, because we both knew that it was very likely at that stage that my mother was going to take me out of the country to live somewhere else.

And we both knew that if my mother did that, that i wouldnt see my granny again for a long time. .
As my mum was the type to block access.

It did happen. My mum did take me out of the country. And she did stop me seeing my granny for many years.

This all sounds very unhealthy.

Of course it was.

A lot of divorces are toxic and unhealthy.

I feel like you are getting a hard time here! I have 3 children and none of their grandparents show any interest in them at all other than one who drops a Christmas present and a birthday present. I would love to have a GP interested and would think mum would want this too! Hugs for the hard time!

I'd agree it's up to dad to push if he,wants more contact and understand you are missing them.
My son went to court as they couldn't agree or it was agreed but mum was calling the shots and being difficult.
Brilliant after court my son has his child shared care 3 to 4 days a week shared Christmas shared birthdays holidays at summer and Easter even better than before it works this way fir my sons job.

I am in a similar position to your son’s partner. 2 kids and my exh has them EOW (more in the holidays tbf). He also has a 1 bed flat which is less than ideal now the kids are 10 and 7.

I’ll try and address some of the points you made, but I have limited sympathy for your situation.

I wouldn’t agree for my kids to stay overnight at their grandparents on “my time” on a regular basis. They already stay with their dad, so they are already moving suitcases and shifting their toys around more than children who are not in this situation. Obviously what my ex chooses to do on his time is not in my control. Perhaps your son’s ex feels that the kids have had enough disruption?

I think it’s fair that the parent who does the majority of the leg work also gets the majority of times like Christmas. Grandparents are not a priority on Christmas Day I’m afraid. Last year my ex wanted to have our kids 20-27 December and couldn’t understand why I objected!

I also wouldn’t have anyone else over on the first day back at school even now my kids are older, they don’t need the additional stress and pressure excited grandparents would bring. The first day of school is a milestone for the child and their parents not the entire family.

I’m grateful of anything grandparents buy for their children but it’s wrong for you to expect to be able to buy stuff and for your son’s ex to make the kids more available to you. Gifts should be given with no strings.

As others have said, if your son was able to have more contact then you’d probably benefit. There’s nothing stopping your son asking for flexible working to finish early one day a week, and start late the following day so he can do pick up, have them overnight and drop off. There is nothing particularly unsocial or difficult about his job or working hours, millions of parents have to negotiate working hours for the benefit of their children but also because they have no other choice. I had to get a different job after my divorce. Your son gets off lightly not having to consider his kids around his work. Unfortunately, I expect the real issue is that he actually doesn’t want to do this rather than he “can’t”.

It’s up to your son to facilitate contact with his side of the family, just like it’s up to me to facilitate contact with my family. You wouldn’t expect my ex husband to correspond with my mum about time with the kids would you? If you were to approach your son’s ex and ask if there is anything you can do to help then she may well be responsive to you. Single parents with majority care have limited resources and headspace. However, the driving issue is significant and I expect she isn’t able to do the running around. Or frankly perhaps she’s knackered and doesn’t see why she should have to.

In seperated families, unless there is a 50/50 arrangement, the resident parent who has the majority care has to arrange their work around their children because they have no other choice. The non resident parent often arranges their children around the kids. Sounds like that’s what’s happening here.

Many single mums end up reducing contact with their ex’s family because they notice the family enables the ex’s behaviour. I’m not saying you do this, but given what you’ve shared about your son’s ex and the way you speak about the mother of your grandchildren, it’s not really surprising that she isn’t going out of her way to keep you involved.

Sorry in my second to last paragraph I meant that the non resident parent can often arrange their children around their work.

So you want the mum, your ex Dil to facilitate and do the running around for contact, rather than your son stepping up (he has a job!).No, talk to your son about doing more for/with his kids, if he chooses not that’s just a shame for you but he presumably is who you brought him up to be. 🙄