Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

I suspect you feel that your DGC Mum is being a bit mean refusing your requests, but you're essentially asking her to pick up (even more of) the effort your son isn't making and scheduling cintact with their Dad and GP. Your son is the problem here. I understand why she would want a weekend with her children, it's the only time to take them out and spend a decent amount of quality time with them, with the focus on their company rather than the routine of 'school nights.' She sounds like a great Mum, she's really picking up the lions share of raising your DGC. By the same token, you sound like lovely GP, if only your son wanted to be as involved with the children as you'd like to be!

Your son could easily have the kids more often with you lending support with school runs. Then you would see them more as well. Problem solved.

I really think the problem is your son here, not understanding how important it is to be a regular figure in their life and an active parent with responsibility. He should be willing to move heaven and earth to be with his kids regularly and make the necessary work and lifestyle changes to do that.

If you don’t drive how were you going to get them to tennis each week?

I think you’re pushing too hard and annoying her. You had the DGC today and when she collected them you immediately asked to see them tomorrow. I don’t see why DGPs should be involved at all on the first day of school - all that is needed is a photo in their uniform and then you get them calmly to school and try to minimise any worries they might have. If relatives turn up making a big fuss that will not help at all. You could have said you hoped all would go well today and ask for a photo if him in his uniform. I would not have had DGPs there when mine were starting school.

If you kick up a fuss over Christmas Day that will not go down well. Just make Boxing Day special. And you were invited to the birthday party and the meal. She is including you then, and today, so I would be grateful for that. And I wouldn’t advise bringing up what you’re spending on them as if that should get you more access.

How much you spend on your DGC's blazer etc is irrelevant. Children are not pay per view.

Stop blaming their mum, start blaming your son. Just because there's no wraparound care hardly means he can't have them - if he really cared he could book a childminder, arrange his work schedule around it or even ask you to do the school run if you're so keen. If he wanted to, he could, and he would, so the only conclusion is that he doesn't really want to.

To reiterate what everybody says, it’s your son who is the problem, you should be seeing the grandchildren on his time - he should have more, but if he’s happy as is, then that’s on him.

if they’ve agreed that at Christmas, again that’s something they have agreed as the parents, your son again should fight for more if he wants it.

I do think it would be a bit ridiculous for the grandparents to go over and see her go off for the first day of school, leave it to mum and dad and try not to make it into a massive deal.

Spoiling them with things ain’t the same as time, and I appreciate you want to spend more time with them, but getting to see them every other weekend for a few hours is still better than a lot of grandparents get.

I may have sounded a bit harsh, but I really do think it’s lovely you want to spend time with them and be very involved, but mainly this is on your son to sort, he should want more time with his children.

Ah yes, the evil mother line. Your son could go to court, request shared custody if he wanted to....🤔 you said yourself he's happy with the current arrangement...

have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

Tennis is in the town next to ours so we can take the bus. Their school is in a village so we would have to take the bus into town first then back out to their village for the school run.

You could provide the wrap around care if you want to spend more time with them.

You need to sort this out with your son. Why should the mother spend time negotiating contact with two other parties. You seem to view her with contempt and I wonder if it shows.

How often did you see the children before the separation?

I think there are 2 separate issues really. One being the frequency you see them which is down to the fact your son is happy with one overnight every other weekend. I agree with the mum that she shouldn't have to give up her weekend time with them to facilitate you. If the other grandparents insisted on the same she would barely have any time with them. She's a working mother who obviously values time with her children.

The second issue is your expectation of being invited to events such as the first day of school. I wouldn't have wanted any family members there for that. It's a big day for young children and they're easily overwhelmed.

The fact you mention the items you have purchased for the children speaks volumes tbh.

That does not sound like an easy thing to be doing with young children, particularly in the winter.

You see them far more than my DF and PIL saw ours, or indeed I saw my DGPs. Just enjoy the time you have with them.

Your son is the problem, not the mother. He made his choices and created the barriers. He could have prioritized living near his children, having enough space for them, and making sure he was an active parent. He chose to barely see them and hence relegate your role as grandparents to the background.

you are criticizing the mother when she is the one left doing all the parenting. Given the children’s ages, if your son had demanded more time, he would have gotten more time. This isn’t a case of a mother hoarding her children.

It’s normal for parents to alternate weekends. Weekdays aren’t really quality time and kids deserve to chill with both parents.

It’s your son’s responsibility to promote your relationship with his kids. If you want to see them at the weekend then that time needs to be on his weekends.

It is unreasonable to expect mum to sacrifice time on her weekends for you. That is when she’s supposed to help the kids spend time with her side of the family. The only way that you’d get every other weekend is if your son gives up his weekends but that would be piss poor parenting if he did that because he rarely sees them.

Are all these bus journeys in your interests, or your grandchildren’s?

This.

As for Christmas, your son is happy with every Boxing Day so you need to let that one lie before you risk invitations to their birthday celebrations and inset days.

It sounds like your son and his ex are both fairly happy with this arrangement so I wouldn't get involved and interfere.
Buying something for the grandchildren should be done out of kindness, not with conditions which you seem to want to impose of having the children extra.

Don’t blame the mum, OP. She’s right, you’d have to arrange to see them more via your son. Why is he ‘happy as it is’ like you mention? Sounds like you need a chat with him. She isn’t being controlling, she’s being their mum.

OP, how do you feel about your grandchildren growing up with a single parent and only having time with their father every other weekend? What kind of role model is this? What message does it tell the children about their father’s priorities and where they sit in the pecking order? What is this teaching them about men and role models? I would be so angry and disappointed with my son if he did this, but you seem to think it is ok and are defending him.

This. I can’t believe OP is expecting her son to halve the time he has with his children!

I understand loving your grandchildren, but OP seems to think she deserves her own share of custody.

This. Your son could change job or he could arrange more flexible hours. He needs to step up as a parent and organise his life around them, rather than trying to slot them in when he can spare the time.

Their mum is right to want her whole weekend. And if they play tennis every week, that is at least something that is consistent, they do together and can go to with their dad.

It sounds like she is trying to create a calm and consistent routine for her children.

If she's doing all the work, then it's fair that she has them Christmas Day - would your son dress trees and wrap presents and buy new PJs? Probably not.

The problem is your son. It sounds like she's just doing her best to support her dcs through a difficult time.

You dont drive and Your son has moved 25 mins away and has minimal contact...I am not sure what you want...
Your DS really needs to find a more flexible job and / or sort out the living situation

It's fair their mother wants every other weekend.

Your DIL also seems like she has offered you some time
Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.
I don't know what exactly this means but you don't seem keen to take her up on this - or have you?

I don't think the son is a deadbeat dad and j think people are out of order for saying it

They have a contact arrangement that works for them. As a side note, there's a lot to be said for every other weekend often being in best interest of the child as they have a steady home life without being moved around as much.

I really think you see the children a reasonable amount. A few hours every other week is perfectly suitable. The mother is putting in some good boundaries. It's not unreasonable for her to want to have their first stay of school as a low key affair.

It's lovely that you want to be so involved but it's not like you're not seeing them regularly.

I feel like things are getting confused

mum lives in village A, we live in village B, there is a town between the two, no direct bus service. Village a doesn’t have a frequent bus service, village b does. So feasibly for us to do school run we would have to leave really early, to make the connection then be at the school too early. School has no wrap around care and the local Facebook page for that village and is constantly talking about the shortage of childminders who pick up and drop off there.

On the other hand tennis is in the town between both villages, we can get there with a 10 minute bus which is pretty frequent.

My son would have the children Friday - Sunday but the children do tennis lessons Saturday morning, it’s their mums childhood passion and her friend who runs the lesson so she likes to take them and doesn’t want my son to or us. But if he pushed I imagine she would give in, he doesn’t see the point as she likes taking them to tennis and why argue if they’d be staying with us anyway and not him.

We can’t support the school run because of the bus issue and DS has no flexibility in his work hours other than going part time which wouldn’t help in the grand scheme of things so school nights always have to be at mums.