To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

How does DH respond to all this?

PIL are also like this, I just don't go anymore. It reached a head when I was so hungry (I am 5 foot 3 and weigh 8 1/2 stone so not a massive eater!) that I had to go out and get some takeaway and they were massively hugely offended. They never had any 'spare' food - every slice of bread was frugally allocated for a meal. It was so joyless. 1 bottle of wine between 8 people on Xmas day. It's fine to be a small eater and even to not realise others are different but when they have been told and carry on it's just rude and unkind imo, and judgemental. I hate even eating out with them when I am paying "Oh we don't need a starter and a main, gosh, aren't you greedy, goodness me look at you tucking in" etc - bore off!

Unless they are mind readers, the only way to change the situation is to have a clear conversation - and it should be your DH as they're his parents who sorts this out. You'll need to tell them that you need much more food and be specific, e.g. 2 slices if toast two eggs, 3 pizzas, 2 crumpets per person. You can offer to pay, do an onlne shop etc

Obviously they are satiated and don’t understand. You need to speak up.

Surely your DH can say “mum/dad, this isn’t enough food for all of us, we’re starving” and then order a deliveroo/takeaway. I don’t understand all this tiptoeing around like you’re strangers being polite. They’re his parents!

It’s interesting - DH is a tall, large man with a large appetite. But he just wants a nice time, no conflict. So it’ll have to be me as bad cop. I hate Christmas with them too as they’re tee total (no judgement) but hate alcohol in the house and get very judgey. One bottle of wine - ooh, you’re having all that? Don’t know how you do it (between two of us for the whole holiday) urgh.

I feel you on this.

Exactly this their not random people they're his parents. If my mum or dad gave me 1 crumpet for tea id laugh and say are you taking the piss where going to need an actual meal so will order something.

Bore off indeed. Their ‘issue’ isn’t yours and I’d just put my kids and myself first and insist on staying elsewhere. I think I’d also ask DH to remind his DF that it’s absolutely not appropriate to make judgmental comments regarding your food intake and gather some tact because it’s rude etc. if they can’t do it, you’ll be putting in some long awaited boundaries & simply stop visiting. Ridiculous behaviour in their part 🙄

‘DH, you need to address this with your parents or we wont be visiting as a family again’

Does your DH realise that opting out of ‘conflict’ has negative repercussions for the rest of his family? In which case his choice to be passive is actively inconveniencing others. Sorry if that’s blunt, but my mum also avoids difficult conversations and we have had to be very direct in showing her that the fallout of doing nothing can be worse than doing something.

Your DH really needs to step up here. It doesn’t even need to be that big a deal ‘mum, dad - I know it’s a while since we were children but growing kids need a lot more to eat than this, as do we.

Edited for typos

Why does he value a nice time and no conflict with his parents over you and the children having a nice time? Maybe a bit much, but is this not wanting to rock the boat only with food? If the children are 3 and 5 this is surely going to have to come up with them sooner rather than later as there won’t be enough food for the children as they grow.

It sounds miserly and I can’t stand people commenting on what I do or don’t eat/drink. They’re being rude by commenting on the alcohol and it’s not your responsibility to pretend everything is normal. Would your DH say something like ‘it’s rude to comment on what we’re drinking’ to them and if not why is their comfort mrw important than yours? Can you tell him that the food situation isn’t acceptable and either he raises the issue of it enough food because the only alternative is to stay nearby where you have control of meals.

whatever about dinners, when I am a guest we always look after preparing our own breakfasts (and often lunches). Why would you and DH not be up putting on the toast for your kids for breakfast? You can pop to the shop to get more bread and milk without being offensive.

At lunchtime, you could say DC are picky eaters, and you're going to make them a sandwich - again, pop to the shop to pick up some bread, ham and cheese for this.

Dinners, I can'r see a way around, but just have snack in you room. You don't have to bring these with you on the train (though surely you could fit some cereal bars), just pop to the shop when you're there.

Take on the attitude of self-sufficient guest/you don't want to put them out, and just bulldoze ahead.

I’m a small eater but when family are staying our fridge is bursting with food.

I think you need to be breezy.
’Mil, me, dh and dc will need 3 pizzas so I’ll get them in. I’ve bought extra bread for toast as dc are always starving at breakfast. We will fetch milk as dc need calcium and get through a lot.’
And just do it.
If they take offense tough.

Why would you spend valuable annual leave with people who get offended by you eating ?

Say something now, take control over your and dc's food (dh needs to do this) and don't go again if they won't allow you to eat. Can you bring supplements eg Garlic bread, dessert etc? Obviously could be tricky if you dont have local shops there with no car but seriously, i couldn't live in misery for a week.

When we visit in-laws we probably eat better than we do all year! Mil provides endless food and home baking - it's fantastic!

They’re your in-laws so this has to be tackled now - you’ve got years to go. Agreed that Dh is not choosing to do nothing - he is actively choosing to make his family suffer. Tbh I would try to be impersonal about this because having a much smaller appetite is normal at older ages ( though starving your guests isn’t). ‘Oops, growing kids here! I’ll knock up some pancakes. No dont worry Marjorie, let me do it’. And I would definitely just bring bags of food with you next time. If they’re offended they will get over it.

They are awful people, OP.

DH needs to tell them that you can’t visit unless they feed you properly.

It is (a) rude and (b) unkind to offer to host without providing food and drink (booze). And snacks.

I’m giving you permission not to visit them until they change their controlling behaviour.

I think you need to concede to a low/no alcohol Christmas in their home.
The food situation is different.
It could be that you could cut back a little on food but make sure you eat nutrient rich foods.

If your husband is not going to rock the boat..

Bring two large home made cakes with you on the train.
Zucchini and Carrot cake, for example.
Once there, stock up on healthy snacks like apples, avocados, wholemeal bread, cheese, butter, weetabix, milk and eggs.

Offer to cook extra eggs for your children for breakfast.
Offer to cook Omelettes for tea with the crumpets.
Suggest PIL cook Pikelets for fun with the grandchildren.
Ask MIL to teach your child to make her favourite oat biscuits etc.
Make your children Peanut Butter or Marmite sandwiches each morning to pop into a container. Give access to apples and sandwiches every couple of hours.
Pack cup-a-soups in your suit case for you and DH to drink of an evening.

Make sure you all drink hot and cold drinks and do not become thirsty.

I could have written this myself OP! My PIL are like this. They live a couple of hours away so we end up staying for the weekend and we’re always hungry during our visits. ££ isn’t the issue, they are very wealthy. They also drink like fish (functioning alcoholics) and take issue with anyone who doesn’t. I appreciate that your appetite decreases as you get older (as they constantly remind us) but my MIL, who loves to cook and uses very nice high quality ingredients, simply doesn’t cater enough and we are seen as greedy when we bring our own food to bulk it out (which we often do). Memorable meals include 6 sausages for a 9 person bbq, one small bag of frozen potatoes for 9 people for Xmas dinner, one flatbread shared with the meal for 2 split between 4 of us. It’s 1 croissant at breakfast and “we’ll eat the leftovers for lunch tomorrow” - what leftovers?! We are made to feel really greedy and me especially, as a female, gets a lot of negative comments over needing to “stay trim” and “us littles have got to stick together”. My husband and I are both normal, heathy weights. My MIL is on a permanent diet but most calories are liquid so every time they say “we can’t get over how much you can eat” (a very regular sentence) I’ve taken to sometimes jokingly say “we can’t get over how much you can drink”. There’s never enough food but you could be snowed in for a week and definitely not run out of wine! Getting takeaways is always welcome because we get to eat actual adult sized portions of food then but are made to feel guilty as their plan is usually that the leftovers will do the next week’s lunches and we don’t leave any! I’m able to laugh most of it off now after nearly 20 years of visits but I now have two DD (aged 5 and 9 months) and when they make comments to them I am quick to shut that down. No body image shaming or making a toddler feel guilty about eating what she needs to fuel her growing body. My DH finds it amusing and is happy to take extra food/sneak extra food in for events like Christmas/stop en route for a quick meal deal to tide us over but I also wish he’d just have a frank conversation with them about it. His mum can be quite prickly and is easily offended, it’s his SD after his father passed away, so I understand him not wanting to rock the boat, but it often results in things building up for me then I blurt out something I wish I hadn’t and I’m seen as the unreasonable one/bad guy. I’m not, I’m just hungry! Can you drive for your visits in future? It’s definitely easier being able to take things to snack on or drive to get a sandwich (which we’ve done often!)

The "popping to the shop and stocking up" is very much more difficult without a car, though. Are they in town or rural? Can you go and eat out and about during the day?

Can you shout all of you out for lunch every lunch time to the local Pub?

I find this really , really rude.
Im from an Irish family and the thought of guests actually going hungry is a massive no no.
Id be tempted to order an online shop to their house and just crack on .

God why aren’t these people ashamed? Starving your grandchildren?? The sin of being inhospitable is literally the sin of Sodom. Thank goodness my in-laws were a Jewish family so you couldn’t move without being offered more food. But my mum and dad were as English as it’s possible to be and would have died rather than have a child hungry on their watch.

(Argh. So I’ve just suggested that it’s not possible to be Jewish and English which is not what I meant at all. Apologies.)