To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

FFS, just go to the supermarket when you get there, or even better do a Tesco online shop to be delivered after you arrive. If they comment, just say ‘we’re on holiday and we’d like to enjoy some nice food thanks’. They’ll get over it!

Can you host them at yours instead?

Your husband needs to say something though, otherwise this is only going to get worse as your kids get bigger.

I thought it was british thing, my parents buy grandkids any food they want plus extra- cakes sweets and so on and send them 30-40kg boxes of my native countries snacks and sweets through the year, british side of gparents-my eldest child is 10 and not once ever,have we had anything to eat or offered to eat when visiting them, they offer cup of tea.

My grandparents on my dad’s side were like this - my mum always just said she’d do all the cooking for the children to make sure we got something. She just acted like we were really picky and wouldn’t eat anything that someone else had cooked. Grandparents couldn’t argue with that.

I know - this assumption always surprises me. It'd be a 3-hour round trip over hill and vale to get to the nearest shop to my in-laws without a car!

I think this is your only option. And get a supermarket delivery for ingredients.
If they get offended then DH will have to deal with it

So, as usual, it's a DH problem, because he'd rather you and the kids be unhappy than his parents. Next time he mentions going to stay with his DP the answer is "nope, sorry, I'm not starving the kids, or myself, for a week".

Even if you're the one delivering the message, you need to do it with DH by your side and be firm that he MUST back you up. "Jean, Derek, we need to speak to you about meals. Our DC are growing and use up lots of energy. DH and me are active adults, and the food on offer is very tasty, it's just not enough for us. We're not expecting you to buy extra, we're happy to do that, but we would like to be eating more. Thats not us being greedy, our bodies just require more fuel than yours do. I hope you understand". If they choose to get upset or offended then it's a 'them' problem and you need to reduce your visits.

I had exactly this problem with first in-laws. Eventually I resorted to taking food we could eat in the bedroom unobserved, and smuggled the wrappers, cores etc out furtively in my handbag. Needs to be not too crumbly so it doesn't make a mess. Flapjacks, cereal bars, fruit cake, cheese, bananas, apples, dried apricots, stuff like that. Do you go out and about on day trips? Make sure you stop for lunch/coffee and fill up then, I can't see how they can get offended if you eat while you're out of the house. If they say anything, just say your kids are growing, and perhaps they've forgotten how hungry children get!

So it happened with one Grotius person you thought all British people are the same?

My mum has the opposite problem. If she has guests for a meal she cooks enough for a small country, and has about a million dessert choices. Bless her!

similar position here, alongside various other issues, so I simply no longer go. DH is an adult and can visit if/when he chooses. Naturally he doesn’t because he’s a lazy arse and if I don’t organise it he doesn’t go.

On the rare occasion they come to ours, about once a year, I cook my usual offerings (got fed up doing anything special/fancy only for it to be left or criticised) and have a cheese bap and ham offering ready when they protest what’s on offer (chilli / curry / pasta / salads etc all home made from scratch)

I no longer have the energy to care.

Sorry you’re dealing with this Op.

My PIL were like this.

all of us used to discuss how to get food into the house to feed our kids surreptitiously. They’d get very upset if anyone raised it (mil cried in the kitchen the one time dh dud and FIL got aggressive).

my mum now does it but in her case she is old and just doesn’t adjust portion sizes so when I say “mum I’m younger than you and I need my energy” she does accept it although isn’t overly happy.

it’s a common issue unfortunately.

if you’re travelling by train it’s difficult to smuggle food in or out. I’d recommend:

offering (pref in advance) to treat them to lunch or dinner out and talking about how much growing children need to eat (sets it up in their mind)

can you meet midway for more days out rather than stopping over and then either eat st a cafe or each bring a picnic?

these days if I’m with mum I try to est out once a day which is frankly bloody horrifically expensive but at least I get some decent food one meal a day.

you could also maybe offer to cook for them? If maybe your teen has been learning to cook and is really keen to show off their pasta bake/moussaka/whatever?

I’ve voted YABU because they don’t worry about offending you, but you’re worried about offending them. Sorry, but I wouldn’t be visiting anyone who starves my kids, intentionally or not.

I would have said the same as you….and then I married DH. I could have said that to my parents no issue whatsoever but then again I would never need to, my mum cooks enough to feed a small army. However, DH and his siblings were not raised that way; they had to seek permission for any additional food beyond what in-laws deemed were acceptable portions. My in-laws are lovely people, kind and generous, but they had very set ideas about portion size and would be so offended by any comments.

OP, I really sympathise. We got around it by taking very long walks during the day (via the shops to stock up). Another time we stayed at a Premier Inn as I was concerned that ‘I was coming down with a cold’ and we didn’t want to risk infecting them. It’s joyless. I wish I had a solution for you.

I'm surprised the kids aren't moaning or crying they are hungry. If they aren't now, they will be as they get older.
DH needs to speak up. When you are visiting he needs to say what you want to eat and the amount. If having pizza he needs to say buy two large pizzas.
Do the parents have a car? Can you borrow it when there to drive and get something? Do they live with no shop nearby? Even a small corner shop would have bits in you could go out and get.
Do you stay isolated at their home when visiting? Else you could eat when you go out or you could buy some bits then.

I also can't believe the suggestions of treating them to lunch or buying groceries and cooking for them.

They're already doing the traveling and paying for that for a family of 4. To then offer to treat people to a meal out as well! These things are horribly expensive now.

You say your DH is a large man with a good appetite- so obviously he wasn’t starved as a child? His parents should have some memory of feeding him as a child and as a teen.

This should be up to him to sort, but it looks like he won’t. So you are left with 2 choices: put up with it and starve, sneaking in food to avoid offending them.
Or you just rock up with more food and front it out. You know they don’t eat much, but you all need a balanced diet and as you know food is expensive you have brought your own.
If it causes a row, eat up and leave.

My in laws are the complete opposite.
They go over board.
Loads of food. Happily order in food too.
Large amounts of meals prepped and send with us so we don't have to cook at home.
This is on top of all the snacks for journey home for all 4 of us.

But because he is so conflict averse, no-one is having a nice time because you are all hungry.

They are terrible hosts because they are not feeding their guests propertly but won't contemplate you staying in an Air BnB so you can feed yourselves.

Are they nice people generally or is this just the tip of the iceberg?

Is your DH scared of his parents and their reactions to criticism?

What do they do when they are "offended"? I just wonder if you are worrying enough. With my in laws, who I get on well with but have some strange ways, I would just be completely upfront. "the kids need more food, they have huge appetites. I would actually like some more too, so will go out an grab some more pizzas/ sort dinner etc". I you are just upfront and factual it's up to them if they get offended. Better than starving for a week.

I would be blunt and say youre still hungry. If they get offended it’s on them. Not everyone eats like a sparrow

Always fascinated by these situations - seemingly so simple but so hard to address!

Could you innocently ask where the other pizzas are, while helping get tea?

While it should be possible to do the direct and factual explanation that you need to eat more, its often very hard to challenge the premise of the stay so overtly. Sometimes easier to just stretch the assumptions without directly confronting them. "Lovely, pizza and salad, everyone's favourite! Shall I get the oven on? Will this pizza be enough for you and Derek to share? The kids can share one too and DH and I can always give them a slice of ours if they want more, I dont always eat a whole one although DH will". And then when it turns out there is only one, burst into gales of laughter, make it into a shared joke and offer to zoom out/order in the missing pizzas - and then it becomes the time Pam forgot the pizzas.

Or something - I'd try to ease everyone along with me into a new reality of eating more.

Good luck!

Get a Taxi, do a top up shop, and don’t go hungry. If PIL are offended by that, then don’t go back.
Food is a basic human need. They’re being totally unreasonable.

I think the only way to solve it is to say to dh you will only go if you get your own accommodation.

And then when it turns out there is only one, burst into gales of laughter, make it into a shared joke

I'm sorry but this sort of faux nonsense is ridiculous behaviour. I'd think you were being snide if you started fake laughing at what I was offering.

Be up-front and honest so no-one has to feel they are part of some passive-aggressive game.