To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

Ohmygod!! My dad’s partner was exactly like this !!
jesus I didn’t realise other people were like that I would take snacks in my suitcase lol and eat them in my room !!!
Not only was the portion teeny tiny we would have to sit at the table and it felt like hours before any food came out I don’t know what she was doing in the kitchen but it deffo wasn’t making big portions of food 🤣🤣🤣
I felt it was almost a control thing so bizarre nothing worse than being hungry !!
I would just let them be offended 😘

Totally agree ,My mum use to feed anyone who was in her house .Even the workmen got a bacon sandwich and lump of cake ,

You have to force him into a conflict.

Tell him you're not visiting his parents again until he's addressed the issue with them. And then when you are there, if you don't get fed properly, you go and do a supermarket shop or order a takeaway yourself, and if they get offended you turn to your husband and say, "DH, you know what we discussed, please deal with this."

Make it clear that eating enough food is not optional so either they feed you properly or you don't visit.

And I'd just refuse to spend Christmas with them.

@thecomedyofterrors

😱 And your DH just sat and munched down his rations did he whilst watching you giving up yours to feed his hungry children under fed by his parents ??

What do you mean they “won’t hear of you staying elsewhere”? Just tell them, it isn’t up for discussion?! Then arrange to eat out and order what you like.
Are you really letting your kids go hungry to avoid upsetting them?
Theres no way I’d inflict this on my kids at christmas either! Invite them to spend it with you instead.

Exactly this! I’d be saying “FFS Dad, I really appreciate the hospitality but we’re all going hungry, especially the kids as they are getting bigger. We will bring some things with us for meals / order a Tesco delivery / shall we go and do a big shop together when we arrive?”

Regarding the wine “yes we are sharing a bottle between us - would you like a glass?”

Do they ever visit you and therefore see what size portions you all eat? Or do you eat out and they can see what a restaurant decides is a portion of food?

Your Dh needs to talk to them but if he can't you just need to lay your cards on the table. You eat larger sized portions than they do. I had a friend who could not make me a cup of tea the way I wanted as she said oh I could never drink it like that. Exactly, the tea is for me, not for you. FFS.

If they get offended, let them. They will either get over it or they won't. It isn't like you enjoy going if you know you are going to be hungry. I had a wonderful MIL who was worried about what sized portion to feed me as Dh is 6'3" and built to play rugby so my portion always looked smaller but was plenty for me.

I would address this head on.

"MIL, FIL, it is incredibly rude to comment on what other people are eating, particularly when they are paying for it themselves. If you can't behave yourselves then we will not take you out again."

Not a British thing or specially an English thing seeing as people are taking about the Irish and Scots.
My DM was northern and similarly always fed us hearty wonderful food with plenty to go around it would be totally against her and in fact df nature to under feed people

Don't allow your DH to get out of saying something to them. OP. They are his parents.

My Pil were like this- they’d offer the kids a McDonald’s and expect 2 of them to share a happy meal. They served tiny portions and usually food I couldn’t eat, being vegetarian. Then they’d comment that I’m ALWAYS eating. Mil would also give the women much smaller portions than the men. They refused to eat at other people’s homes and would invite us for a ‘roast’ which was really overcooked veg and a few potatoes. If my kids left anything she’d take it off their plates to ‘save’ because my kids ‘waste a lot’. Weirdly, fil would brag to anyone who would listen about what an amazing cook and host mil is.
My mum is the same- functioning alcoholic and eats therefore serves tiny portions. Never eats lunch. When we’re with her she goes on and jokes ‘oh you’re eating AGAIN’ . For context im 8st 5 and 5ft 4 so hardly a massive eater

My sister in law is like this, eats like a bird. I went away with her once for a weekend, with two other friends. Lovely cottage, I ordered a food delivery and took control of the meals so we wouldn’t starve.

On the last night (Sunday) I suggested a stroll to the local pub for a roast … she looked horrified and mentioned “all the food in the fridge that needed eating up”.

When I looked there were two slices of pizza, a few leaves of salad and a couple of sausage rolls 😳 …. I left her to it and went to the pub.

This seems a bit beyond tightness and a lack of understanding that younger people will require more food. They sound controlling (won’t hear of you staying in an air bnb etc) - that fact that your husband thinks addressing this will result in conflict is the most revealing thing.
I would say address it in actions not words primarily. Bringing food, going out to eat, saying if you still hungry, asking your children if they have had enough to eat…and maybe ultimately not staying there. Don’t ask permission for that, just do it. They are relying on your politeness to control.

I’d be inclined to let them visit you at yours , then you have all the food and alcohol you want. Why should it be down to you as a family to always travel a long way on a train with small children?

Why is there this thing on Mumsnet where it’s (mainly women ) who have to go and visit their husband’s family and put up with hardship?

There isn’t a law that you have to like or visit your husbands family. You didn’t marry them. I didn’t marry my in-laws.

Also so many women seem to be married to men who put up with this behaviour from their parents at the cost of their own family’s happiness.

I wouldnt put up with it . This Christmas say you want to stay home and invite them to yours. Say you want it at home this year. If your husband is too spineless to say anything you stay at home with your kids and let him go. You can eat and drink as much as you want then.!

@user1492757084 🤣🤣

I can't believe a busy mum of two small DC should have to think of bringing nutrients dense cakes with courgette to feed her DC.

Why not just take those hook vitamin drips for them ? ,🤣

Talk about dancing to their tune, enabling and bending over backwards to make utterly appalling behaviour ok.

I’m genuinely shocked.

Maybe it’s because everyone in my family gets ‘hangry’ when their blood sugar gets low, but there’s no way this situation wouldn’t lead to a confrontation at some point. And a refusal to visit again.

Nope. We’d have packed up and left rather than go hungry, ESPECIALLY with kids involved

If you can't behave yourselves then we will not take you out again

And most people’s response to being spoken to as if they were three would be “Good, fuck off”. If some of you really talk down to and patronise your ils and parents like this it’s little wonder relationships are so dysfunctional. I’d be absolutely mortified to think I wasn’t providing enough food and would want a civilised conversation about it. Some of the passive aggressive behaviour suggested here is going to be beyond ineffective.

I couldn’t live like this! There is nothing worse than being hungry in someone else’s house!!
ni one leaves my house hungry, ever.
if we have people staying, I always tell them to ask if they’d like more or a snack whatever for this very reason!!

You have a DH problem. It shouldn’t be you bringing this up, tell him to have some balls and step up for his family!!!! Or say you’re not visiting his family again. It’ll only get worse as the kids get older, my DS7 eats like a horse!

Spot on. I can really picture Derek and Jean ;)

I think that in situations like this you have to let go of caring about whether they will feel offended.

How do you broach it…… be blunt!!

God you lot are dramatic! OP she isn’t keeping you hungry on purpose. She doesn’t know. Either bring your own food, or plan to go out and eat. Nothing for her to get offended about. People get hungry.

I genuinely don't understand families that tiptoe around each other and never actually bring up an issue out of 'politeness'. My DH family are like this, so bloody polite all the time and never actually talk about anything substantial. I used to play along but since having kids I don't care anymore, if there's something that needs to be brought up because it involves them then I will, because I'm not having my kids go without decent food. PIL used to be incredibly tight with food until eventually I had to say something and then I think MIL got pretty embarrassed and now ensures there's enough food every time we visit.

If it were my family that did this (which is impossible because they make far too much food every single time 😂) it would be broached straight away without a second thought at least with a joke like 'where's the rest of it' etc, no awkward politeness while everyone's stomach is rumbling. So bizarre.