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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

507 replies

Theroadnottravelled · 19/08/2025 03:58

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 19/08/2025 07:22

Mum snd fad
We need more food because we're hungry not greedy.. Happy to do the shop. This is what we normally eat.

PurveyorP · 19/08/2025 07:23

Had exactly the same with my in-laws. Barely any food and young kids. With comments like ‘ooh you were hungry’ for eating a normal meal. Stingy as hell with heating too.

I took charge. Bought food from the supermarket when we got there for breakfast and lunch and went out for dinner. Took up a fan heater and hot water bottles. Ignored any comments. I was a mum of young kids and needed to feed them. My husband tried to make excuses for them which were pathetic.

My kids are at uni and the in-laws have died. But I am afraid the memory still irritates me now.

i think i was more irritated as my mum (from an Asian culture known for feeding!) would treat us with so much food and drink and comfort when visiting. So the contrast was huge.

Bedknobsandhoovers · 19/08/2025 07:23

My mum was a bit like this - particularly Christmas dinner. Not just quantities but timings.

She was mid 80s and had forgotten what it was like to cater for more + dementia kicking in.

She’d never refused help and so we took over more and more. We gave her simple one off tasks.

I think she liked it that was and never any upset. Probably not possible in the OP’s case?

What did cause upset was DS turning up v late with raw ingredients for her contribution to the meal. But that’s another story.

Dearg · 19/08/2025 07:24

If my DH refused to tackle this, and I was having to take the train as he couldn’t share the driving ( for whatever reason), I would be making this my last trip.

It sounds all so inconvenient. And while he doesn’t want to offend his parents, he’s fine for his wife and dc to be offended by the ‘rules’ - tiny portions, no extras, no alcohol, no AirBNB.

PurveyorP · 19/08/2025 07:25

banananas1999 · 19/08/2025 06:41

I thought it was british thing, my parents buy grandkids any food they want plus extra- cakes sweets and so on and send them 30-40kg boxes of my native countries snacks and sweets through the year, british side of gparents-my eldest child is 10 and not once ever,have we had anything to eat or offered to eat when visiting them, they offer cup of tea.

Talking to friends of different nationalities and cultures (Australian, Jewish, Indian, Spanish etc), it does seem to be a thing…

RosesAndHellebores · 19/08/2025 07:25

My MIL and PIL were exactly the same and MIL made a song and dance about cooking, but if course, at her house, I wasn't allowed to help. DH and his sisters remember being hungry growing up (all tall). It had nothing to do with money- it was just meanness, combined with MIL disliking and being a poor cook.

Fortunately, the DC were both dreadful sleepers and the PIL didn't mind coming to ours which was bigger and much more comfortable.

Funnily enough at mine they had no problem polishing off seconds at every meal and never said no to a G&T or to us opening a second bottle of wine. I'd go as far as to say they were a pair of greedy piglets who loved to get their noses in the trough.

FIL died years ago now and may he rest in peace; MIL is 89 and frail. DH and his sisters still have no memory of their favourite dinners as children. The sisters left home at 18 for uni and were on different continents in their early 20s. They rarely visit. It's bloody sad and underlines the importance of nurture.

spoonbillstretford · 19/08/2025 07:27

I'd bring wine at Christmas and drink as much as I like.

Kindling1970 · 19/08/2025 07:27

I work as a therapist and it’s such a red flag when people in a relationship (any relationship) say they won’t speak up because they don’t want conflict. You’re not trusting that the relationship can handle conflict which tells me his relationship with his parents is terrible and deep down he fears them abandoning him. He needs to address this. Your husband is the issue here not the parents as he is not looking out for you.

PurveyorP · 19/08/2025 07:28

RosesAndHellebores · 19/08/2025 07:25

My MIL and PIL were exactly the same and MIL made a song and dance about cooking, but if course, at her house, I wasn't allowed to help. DH and his sisters remember being hungry growing up (all tall). It had nothing to do with money- it was just meanness, combined with MIL disliking and being a poor cook.

Fortunately, the DC were both dreadful sleepers and the PIL didn't mind coming to ours which was bigger and much more comfortable.

Funnily enough at mine they had no problem polishing off seconds at every meal and never said no to a G&T or to us opening a second bottle of wine. I'd go as far as to say they were a pair of greedy piglets who loved to get their noses in the trough.

FIL died years ago now and may he rest in peace; MIL is 89 and frail. DH and his sisters still have no memory of their favourite dinners as children. The sisters left home at 18 for uni and were on different continents in their early 20s. They rarely visit. It's bloody sad and underlines the importance of nurture.

Oh yes. The inlaws had no problem saying yes to every offer of food and drink when they came over. 🙄 Second helpings galore.

polkadothorse · 19/08/2025 07:28

I would feel as bad as you about this,OP, but I think some people just genuinely don’t seem to have any interest in food, and they treat others the same.

TheBestWasYetToCome · 19/08/2025 07:29

I’d just tell them. If you tell them nicely and they’re offended, it’s not really your problem. I wouldn’t worry about it.

banananas1999 · 19/08/2025 07:29

stillhiding1990 · 19/08/2025 06:49

So it happened with one Grotius person you thought all British people are the same?

Show quote history

I thought its the culture difference yes,as my own grandparents always cooked meals and baked fresh pasties for my visits as well. So my kids british gparents are opposite and when my husband talks of his childhood his gparents gave randomly a sweet or two from their pocket but there was no eating meals together. We take our own food along to theirs and an extra cake/other random bits to leave with them when we leave.

RampantIvy · 19/08/2025 07:29

banananas1999 · 19/08/2025 06:41

I thought it was british thing, my parents buy grandkids any food they want plus extra- cakes sweets and so on and send them 30-40kg boxes of my native countries snacks and sweets through the year, british side of gparents-my eldest child is 10 and not once ever,have we had anything to eat or offered to eat when visiting them, they offer cup of tea.

It's absolutely not a British thing. It is a mean spirited thing.

Neither DH's nor my family ever underfed us.

I wouldn't care about offending such a poor host. I would either bring extra food, just not visit or stay somewhere local.

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 19/08/2025 07:29

Did your DH’s parents feed him tiny portions when he was a child, or is this a recent thing? Have their appetites got much smaller (and their attitudes more judgmental!) as they’ve grown older?

WallTree · 19/08/2025 07:29

PepperToo · 19/08/2025 06:44

I know - this assumption always surprises me. It'd be a 3-hour round trip over hill and vale to get to the nearest shop to my in-laws without a car!

Edited
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Well I'd take the car, then. Or rent one when there.

TorroFerney · 19/08/2025 07:30

Kindling1970 · 19/08/2025 07:27

I work as a therapist and it’s such a red flag when people in a relationship (any relationship) say they won’t speak up because they don’t want conflict. You’re not trusting that the relationship can handle conflict which tells me his relationship with his parents is terrible and deep down he fears them abandoning him. He needs to address this. Your husband is the issue here not the parents as he is not looking out for you.

Exactly this. For some parents, this would be the first time a “child” has ever criticised them. It would not end well for a lot of us - we can’t recognise that we are adults and aren’t reliant on parents any more. It’s complicated.

RosesAndHellebores · 19/08/2025 07:31

PurveyorP · 19/08/2025 07:28

Oh yes. The inlaws had no problem saying yes to every offer of food and drink when they came over. 🙄 Second helpings galore.

Show quote history

I should have added that mine were 240 miles away so it was only 3/4 times a year - and every single Christmas, but they always came for a week. To get their money's worth from the fare!

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 19/08/2025 07:32

Your DH definitely needs to address this with his parents. Your kids are only 3 and 5 and are hungry now... what will it be like when they're older? As many PPs have said I'd just order an online shop when you arrive and tell them politely you all need more food. Otherwise I'd seriously be looking at alternative accommodation or not visiting anymore.

LillyPJ · 19/08/2025 07:33

Just say you've got bigger appetites and provide some extra food. Or take some food with you and eat that between meals. Or take them out for a meal.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/08/2025 07:33

We always took extra food to my PIL when they were alive on the pretext that the kids were fussy, to ensure we had enough food. They didnt complain about it though.

greyfrontdoor · 19/08/2025 07:35

How did your DH survive as a kid growing up? Presumably he was a ravenous teenager at some point? Or did they maybe eat more when they were younger? If your DH has got a good relationship with them, then he really does need to speak up. Either that or you just stay hungry all week.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 19/08/2025 07:37

Your husband's being embarrassingly wet here. It's his job to speak to his parents and make arrangements to get all of you some more food.

My mum is a shocking host when it comes to feeding us, so I've always just worked around her food-limiting foibles. I have never hesitated to buy food and prepare it in her house, and she's never said anything about me doing that.

caffelattetogo · 19/08/2025 07:37

We had this - but DH would get a proper meal (penis portions) while I was given a tiny kids’ plate (even when pregnant/breastfeeding). Initially I took cereal bars in my overnight bag, but eventually we said we’d only go if we could both have enough food.

Tourmalines · 19/08/2025 07:40

You need to tell them so they really listen. Why would they get offended if you bring some food? They are being ridiculous. I’m the PIL here and when my small family like yours come over for the weekend my cupboards are stacked like it’s Christmas. My DGDs eat constantly. My DIL has full range of my pantry and I cook big meals with left overs. If I was like your in-laws I doubt they would come . Talk to them , it’s just not on .

RampantIvy · 19/08/2025 07:40

I wouldn't be sneaking food in either. I would be very open about it.