Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

507 replies

Theroadnottravelled · 19/08/2025 03:58

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

OP posts:
SomeOfTheTrouble · 19/08/2025 08:04

banananas1999 · 19/08/2025 06:41

I thought it was british thing, my parents buy grandkids any food they want plus extra- cakes sweets and so on and send them 30-40kg boxes of my native countries snacks and sweets through the year, british side of gparents-my eldest child is 10 and not once ever,have we had anything to eat or offered to eat when visiting them, they offer cup of tea.

No, not a British thing.

ACynicalDad · 19/08/2025 08:07

Husband needs to search for his cojones, either to say we need more food or to say you can’t stay with them again, his call. Put on his big boy pants.

Notagain75 · 19/08/2025 08:08

Perhaps they don't realise how little they eat
You or your husband needs to remind them that the children are growing and need more food. Surely they don't want their grandchildren to go hungry?
Also older people often do lose their appetite but remind them you and your husband need more. It doesn't have to be confrontational or cause any issues it sounds like a normal conversation.

BeltaLodaLife · 19/08/2025 08:09

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 07:43

This, so many threads at the moment about people prepared to let their children (not you op, your dp) go without or be negatively treated so as not to offend/upset someone else, a friend, another sibling/child, in-laws...
No more!!

Show quote history

The OP is letting her kids go hungry to avoid offending the in laws. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be hungry because OP would has taken food and just fed everyone regardless if her in laws opinion. Her kids are hungry because neither of their parents will sort this out and buy them food. That includes the OP.

Moaning on here where her in laws can’t see is not the same as actually telling her in laws that there isn’t enough food and sorting it out for her kids.

diddl · 19/08/2025 08:10

So they haven't actually been told that there's not enough food?

I think if you're used to feeding 2 it can be hard to then feed six.

I'd probably need reminding!

If husband won't say anything then you either need to or not go again!

I'm guessing you can't just go shopping or order a shop?

Cadenza12 · 19/08/2025 08:13

FamilyPhoto · 19/08/2025 06:29

I find this really , really rude.
Im from an Irish family and the thought of guests actually going hungry is a massive no no.
Id be tempted to order an online shop to their house and just crack on .

Edited

Do this. It's insane to be actually hungry.

BeanThereDoneIt · 19/08/2025 08:13

My PIL are exactly like this and my partner has this exact dynamic with them too where he doesn’t feel able to say anything. To top it all off, they’ll skip lunch if we’ve had a ‘big’ breakfast (aka one slice of toast and one scrambled egg each…) and do dinner at 8/9pm.

I stopped putting up with it when the kids came along. Now when it gets close to lunch or dinner time and food is clearly not on their minds, I send my partner to the shop for ingredients and cook for the kids, using their schedule as the reason. I then sit and keep the kids company as they eat and make sure I eat with them.

It’s awkward and I reckon they think I’m rude (and a greedy pig) but I just won’t tolerate my children going hungry. It was one thing before they came along for me to see just how long PIL would go without even offering me a biscuit! But I won’t put up with it now children are involved.

Could you try doing similar?

pixiedust79 · 19/08/2025 08:13

Let them be offended, making you starve for your whole visit is terrible hosting so be terrible guests back. Order a takeaway, get some groceries delivered. Point out a pizza serves two and whilst they may be happy with a slice, you and your children are still hungry.

GAJLY · 19/08/2025 08:14

Theroadnottravelled · 19/08/2025 03:58

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

I'd bring my own groceries next time then it's never awkward again!

FluffyWabbit · 19/08/2025 08:15

I go through this with my own PIL and have just decided that I'm old enough to say that I need to eat more and then just do it, by whatever means, even if that's offensive. I don't see them and their small portions as offensive so they shouldn't see me needing to eat more as offensive.

Bring, buy or go out and get what you need. They are probably not as offended as you think they are and, if they are, so what? It's a strange thing to be offended by, anyway, and if the choice is their offense or my belly...well, I have made my choice clear and I'm not hungry!

GenieGenealogy · 19/08/2025 08:17

This is definitely an age thing as my mother who will be 80 in a few months is just the same. She eats very little and we always take snacks when staying. To be fair though there is always plenty of basics like crackers, bread, jam, cheese. I think she genuinely thinks her appetite is the same as it has always been and that portion sizes have just got massive.

Yes to the running commentary on "so much food" and not being able to eat "all that" when "all that" is a perfectly normal sized portion of whatever. Your DH is going to have to speak up, OP.

adlitem · 19/08/2025 08:18

BeanThereDoneIt · 19/08/2025 08:13

My PIL are exactly like this and my partner has this exact dynamic with them too where he doesn’t feel able to say anything. To top it all off, they’ll skip lunch if we’ve had a ‘big’ breakfast (aka one slice of toast and one scrambled egg each…) and do dinner at 8/9pm.

I stopped putting up with it when the kids came along. Now when it gets close to lunch or dinner time and food is clearly not on their minds, I send my partner to the shop for ingredients and cook for the kids, using their schedule as the reason. I then sit and keep the kids company as they eat and make sure I eat with them.

It’s awkward and I reckon they think I’m rude (and a greedy pig) but I just won’t tolerate my children going hungry. It was one thing before they came along for me to see just how long PIL would go without even offering me a biscuit! But I won’t put up with it now children are involved.

Could you try doing similar?

My aunt did this when we were staying with her on holiday recently. We had an ice cream and she declared "that can be your lunch". Similarly, we had a big lunch out and when we got back there was no plans to make any dinner. At all. We ended up eating the oddest mix of left overs when I told her the kids really did need to eat and so did DH and I.

I think some older people have less appetite and just don't realise (or forget) how it is for others.

Gowlett · 19/08/2025 08:19

We had this staying with my great aunt in England.
Me & mum, she acted like we were shovelling food not our gobs at all times when we only wanted to eat as normal.

She would do old-fashioned things like have gin at 3pm.
a few olives, maybe. The first morning we waited for her to come down & do breakfast (it was her house, seemed polite).

But, after waiting for her to have a bath, get dressed etc… I said to mum, just break out the Cornflakes! On a nice day out, I just pointed at a cream tea place & said we were going in!

Lurker85 · 19/08/2025 08:20

I can’t believe 2 grown adults would rather their children go hungry and miserable than have to confront and be honest with 2 other grown adults who are being clearly ridiculous. Are these people that terrifying? What exactly do either of you think will happen if you say “this isn’t enough, we will go and get more”? Maybe they will be slightly offended but wouldnt you rather offend them than your kids be hungry? You are both parents, you don’t have the luxury of being so spineless, your children rely on you for basics like food.

Jaws2025 · 19/08/2025 08:21

This would be much easier dealt with by your dh.

Theseventhmagpie · 19/08/2025 08:24

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/08/2025 04:13

Surely your DH can say “mum/dad, this isn’t enough food for all of us, we’re starving” and then order a deliveroo/takeaway. I don’t understand all this tiptoeing around like you’re strangers being polite. They’re his parents!

Totally agree. Why oh why do people not speak up?? I just couldn’t go through life like this. In this instance DH must tell them!

prelovedusername · 19/08/2025 08:24

You say “I’ll need to get some more food in, MIL, we’re a hungry lot! I’ll do an online order, what would you like?” Try and keep things simple so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed in her own kitchen. Maybe take a cool box or plastic containers so you can stash some stuff separately

My parents were like this, fortunately my DM was only too pleased to let me do the catering. But she would come out with “Are we eating AGAIN?” whenever I headed for the kitchen. It was nothing to do with being mean, she was the most generous person, but just didn’t make a big thing of food.

Tbf, now I’m older my appetite has decreased and I’m always surprised how much food my DC seem to need when they come to stay.

Poodleville · 19/08/2025 08:25

Horrendous hosting. How to broach it... don't let it be an issue, just take the actions you need to take to make sure you and your children are fed, whether inside or outside the house. It will be awkward at first but you won't care as much when your mouth and belly are full! Inform or don't inform DH of your actions.

Honestly, it's usually with the most thoughtless people that we end up tip toeing around putting in way too much thought. While they crack on completely uncaring about how you feel.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 19/08/2025 08:29

Who cares if they get offended?! That's very much their problem. Better that they're offended than you and your kids are hungry. They either accept you eating more (whether they buy the food or you do), or you don't go. End of.

Anxioustealady · 19/08/2025 08:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

I grew up with food shaming and the idea of doing this, even though I know you're right, is unthinkable to me. I would just take food in my bag and feel like a shameful glutton in my room. It doesn't help that I'm bigger (shame around eating often leads to secret overeating) so I really just couldn't barge into someone's kitchen with bags of food and say I'm cooking more food. Lots of women in my family have disordered eating of some form.

Often at restaurants a family member will talk about how it's so much food, how can you eat all that, I'm only having a small pudding... I love her but it makes me feel so stressed just hearing those things.

However, I am pregnant with a daughter, and I will not have her grow up to feel like me, so I won't be exposing her to people who shame others, especially girls and women. So I really recommend doing what PP say and either taking a stand and saying this is ridiculous, 6 people can't share 1 pizza! and taking more food, not going to visit or staying somewhere else.

Also I'm nearly 6ft so I cannot eat like a bird.

Merrymouse · 19/08/2025 08:32

Notagain75 · 19/08/2025 08:08

Perhaps they don't realise how little they eat
You or your husband needs to remind them that the children are growing and need more food. Surely they don't want their grandchildren to go hungry?
Also older people often do lose their appetite but remind them you and your husband need more. It doesn't have to be confrontational or cause any issues it sounds like a normal conversation.

I agree that they may just not realise how little they eat.

I think it's actually more polite to be honest than to suffer in silence.

Alohamo · 19/08/2025 08:35

I would get a supermarket delivery to the house. Minimum order is usually £40 plus delivery so cheaper than takeaways. I do this when we visit PIL as although the portions are fine they generally don't have much in the way of child friendly yogurts, cereal etc.

DarklingIlisten · 19/08/2025 08:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

TheFateNdoftheWedge · 19/08/2025 08:36

Is your DH aware how hungry you all are ?

It's easier for him to stick his head in the sand isn't it because his choice is ,diplomatically and without confrontation gently let them know there isn't enough food and if you come again you will happily buy some get a shop delivered or uou don't stay with them and go into an air b n b
Or carry on because his wife and children will carry on being hungry but without complaint.

Who would your In laws prefer this coming from ? Their son or the outsider ?

Tell DH it's not acceptable and ask him who he thinks they would rather here it from

Op if it's you say to them both * pils we are a little stuck here can you help us out. We love staying with you but there is not enough food.for instance that one pizza were we all had one slice ,we could have had another 3 at least !

Now I totally understand you may feel it's enough but we are hungry. We tried to bring food before and you didn't like that not take the hint we are hungry

We also offered to stay in a b and b but you didn't seem keen on that idea.
What shall we do going forward when we visit because we can't keep coming here and going without the food we are used to.

Say it kindly and see what they say

If they won't budge at all you either take charge and stay in air b b or you take food . If DH isn't on board then you do.not
Go

You do not go
That's the backstop here.

thecomedyofterrors · 19/08/2025 08:36

Weird! My same age children would be starving on that. So I’d start by giving my portions to them. Then say I’ll pop out for cereal, more bread and eggs, or suggest I make a cooked breakfast. (Just to make the point gently!) Same with lunch- give them my & DH pizza, I’ll get a few more, they usually eat half each, with pasta! My kids would be miserable without enough food so I’d have to feed them more.