To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

This is straight up mental
they're going to the PILs, not a Duke of Edinburgh expedition. OP you have to make DH sort this shit out. How dare he let your children go hungry

This, so many threads at the moment about people prepared to let their children (not you op, your dp) go without or be negatively treated so as not to offend/upset someone else, a friend, another sibling/child, in-laws...
No more!!

I’ll never understand people being offended so easily by something so simple and not offensive. My DH had this weird issue at one point with not wanting to tell his parents we didn’t like their favourite restaurant and we didn’t want to eat there. Genuinely awful bland food, cold room, uncomfortable chairs etc. But he just couldn’t do it, he kept saying we were busy and they ended up thinking we were avoiding them which is worse. In the end he told them after I pushed (very gently might I add, I think he said we don’t really like the menu) and yes his dad was a bit petulant but it wasn’t the end of the world and they got over it.

They are choosing to be offended by you bringing extra food, it’s a them problem, not a you problem. Don’t let their weird issue become a big problem for you where you’ve got hungry kids and you’re all unhappy. Just say we are going to bring some groceries from now on, the kids are growing and extra hungry so it’s nice to have things in for them. And then bring extra for you too, if they get offended by that ask them why they offended, sometime turning a mirror on their behaviour helps.

Ridiculous. No one British I know is like this, always plenty of food. Home made cakes and bread, we always serve dinners family style so people can have as much as they want, left overs offered to take home from meals, more than enough food. You feed guests!

My stomach would be rumbling! Would they ignore audible signs like that?

Another angle pp don't seem to have mentioned is the starchiness of the food. To satisfy your conflict avoidant DH, could you go out about a balanced diet, bring bananas, nuts, carrot sticks, those fruit bar things etc? It is after all a health issue too.

It’s ridiculous that your husband doesn’t say anything. Maybe start serving him half portions at home and save some money. Honestly there is no way I would spend such a joyless Christmas with them.

If DH is pandering then I'd be telling him he has to tell them before you book the next tickets or you will risking blowing the relationship out of the water by telling them yourself. Give him a deadline and make him man up and speak to his parents like an adult and not a little child. Take some extra bits in your hand luggage and see what happens. I honestly wouldn't care if I soured the relationship. Withholding food or allowing people to go hungry is cruel. Ask DH if he wants his children to have memories of their grandparents when they've gone of being starved and denied extra food?

Your children are slightly younger than mine and will mention if they are still hungry "please could I eat an apple for pudding" or "will there be anything else before bedtime". It's easier DH to mention something now than your kids to be aware of their hunger and express it in their blunt childish ways.

Can you make the excuse “the kids are going through a grown spurt, their appetites are much bigger! We need x pizzas for dinner.” Etc. Say it every visit.

You definitely need to tackle this now as it’s only going to get much worse as your children get older and start commenting/asking for more food.

I can’t understand why your DH would rather see his kids go hungry than tell his mum you’re going to order a delivery of shopping, which he could do under the guise of making life easier for them “the children like certain snacks, but we don’t want to put you to extra trouble/expense” or whatever.

The one thing you’re BVU about, though, is forcing your kids to endure their ‘hospitality’ at Christmas time. There are ways of putting up with it the rest of the year, but it’d be a cold day in hell before I went along with being miserable and hungry over Christmas just to keep the peace. I’d be telling DH either they come to you or he goes to see them on his own.

As others have said, you need to tackle this now before your dc get to the teen stage!

Honestly, I’d have said to DH after the first visit that he needed to discuss it with them or come up with a solution. If he didn’t, then I would be booking a nearby air bnb with no further discussion.

Tbh visiting them sounds bloody miserable and going forward just tell them that the kids need their own space so you’ll be booking a holiday home nearby but you’ll be sure to see them every day (if that’s their concern). If they get offended, tough shit, they’ve been offending you with their rudeness for long enough.

WTF!! Why are you and DH subjecting your children to this nonsense! At Christmas too! FFS grow a pair.

I don't understand why you put up with it. Can't you just take extra food and insist your DH deals with his parents' 'offence'? There's no way my children and I would remain hungry just because my husband was too weak to speak up for us to his parents. Either take the extra food or tell your DH you're not going.

We had this with my DPs - now too infirm to offer meals which is actually one small blessing- they simply forget how much people who expend more energy need to eat. I remember one time when they had made DS a separate serving of pasta which was also meant to be the adults carb portion. DS saw the small bowl of pasta and tipped it all in his bowl, leaving the rest of us with nothing!

Not so bad for us though as we are an hour away so generally would have been up and down on the same day. If we did stay over we would smuggle in some protein bars and eat them on a walk, or DM would reluctantly accept things to bulk up the meal. I remember when I brought sausages and stuffing for Christmas, she got genuinely so upset because she felt I was cooking too much, but we have a dog so too many sausages is never a problem!

I am not sure how I would handle it in your case as it’s only going to get worse as the DCs get older and their appetites naturally grow. Are you within walking distance of any shops or restaurants? Could you email them in advance and say Jeremiah is going through a growth spurt and both the DCs have huge appetites, so they need half a pizza each as do we adults? Or at least bring along something like a loaf and peanut butter to bulk out meals.

Unfortunately there’s no way to fully avoid conflict other than surviving on meagre rations which isn’t particularly healthy for growing bodies. If you can I would try and handle it yourself as you can do it without being emotionally enmeshed.

A bit off topic, but years ago I was invited to my friend's house for lunch with her family. She told me we'd be having an egg. We did. One boiled egg each. Absolutely nothing else.

If your husband won’t do it then you have to risk offending them! You need to be well fed and for your children not to be hungry. If you can’t insist on their being more food then I would book to stay elsewhere in the area ‘on holiday’ and visit them. If it doesn’t work out then I’d not go again and leave your husband to visit alone; if he’s asked why you don’t go then he can choose to say you’re always hungry!

I would make a joke of it. ‘One piece of toast! I can’t live on that! I’m a greedy pig!’ And then go make more toast. If they keep doing it, I’d be super blunt. ‘Look we need more food. So either we bring it and make it or you prepare more. Sorry to be blunt but that’s the way we feel. We are happy to bring it but we cannot keep visiting and feeling hungry’ You can also talk about growing children needing more calories.

Omg I would die laughing!

I'm sorry, but as a father, your DH's FIRST AND PRIMARY DUTY IN LIFE is to ensure his children are fed. He needs to get over himself. "No conflict" is not an option when his children are preventably hungry for no good reason. And it's not a "nice time" if you're all starving. Put your foot down: he either sorts it out or you don't go.

Sorry, but I can beat that. We were offered one egg and one carrot for our family of four ;-)

For God’s sake @Theroadnottravelled, feed your kids. It’s actually bordering on neglect that you’re allowing this.

Go to the shops, buy what you need and eat it. If they say anything then just tell them that you can either eat properly or go home but you’re not starving your kids anymore.

I cannot believe you just sit there and allow this to happen. And how have you not read your husband the riot act to sort this out? Utterly ridiculous.

My DM is like this. In her case, it's competative eating and the idea that to be seen to eat a lot (aka a normal portion) is somehow being rude and disgusting. I think she sees it as some sort of badge of strength and self control to moderate your eating. When my DCs were born, she came round every day to help but also to moderate my eating - a bowl of cereal in the morning and a cheese sandwich mid afternoon. Nothing else. If I tried to eat outside of that, I got all the usual horrified gasps and comments - 'Oh, are you eating AGAIN?!', 'I've never known ANYONE to eat as much as YOU are!", "Oh, is that another little snack? And what number 'little snack' is this today?" I had just given birth to premature twins and was trying to breastfeed. Needless to say, I don't see much of her these days (for other reasons as well). She's not going to change and talking to her is pointless, so I limit my time with her.

Order a supermarket delivery to arrive at their address a couple of hours after you get there. Tell MIL " it's very good of you to put us up so I think we should contribute something ". Get in the extra bread, crumpets, pizza, cake, crisps and biscuits, drinks etc. If you have bought it you can brazen it out by helping yourself to extra without feeling guilty. If she's not got fridge or freezer space get packets and tins . With a bit of luck they will get the message, if she's offended she'll feed you more in future or if necessary do the same thing every time you visit.

Just stop visiting.

Can;t you just be diplomatic and say that as you are all getting older and the children are growing that your appetites are huge and just tell them you are going to do a weekly shop/got out for your main meal and buy in for the others. I do understand their parsimonious ways as some people are careful savers. You will find when they go, that they have thousands saved but haven't mentioned it. And, to what purpose you may add? It made them feel secure.

H says things like "Hi mum and dad. Stopped at Tesco on the way over for extra food as we eat loads more than you haha!" "Thought we'd do some jackets to go with the pizza dad" "Just going to toast that loaf we bought and we'll have toast as well as crumpets mum" etc.