To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

[Bigjo]

I have been married to DH for 7years. Historically before we met they suffered with depression which was well managed. Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been signed off by GP for anxiety and stress (burn out) due to stressful working situation, difficulty with workload and struggling with being a new parent and navigating the toddler years.
I am working full time. Childcare and chores are pretty much shared, although DS has parent preference with me and some seperation anxiety so I do bedtimes and night wakes and most of getting up in the mornings on my 2 days off. I'm starting to feel really resentful and unaffectionate towards DH. They spend day moping around the house. The house is a tip- dishes from last night still piled in sink even though DS is at nursery all day. They spend most of day in bed, bed hasn't been made, then scroll through phone and watch tv all day. Evening spent scrolling through phone and laughing at videos. Doesn't seem to be doing anything productive to recover (has got a counsellor which i insisted on and paid for). Has been going out with friends 3 days in 2 weeks whilst I'm at home with DS and have not had any time to myself. I know marriage is in sickness and health, but AIBU to be struggling with feeling unsupportive and struggling to be sympathetic to my DH during this time?

I thought YWBU until I saw the bit about them laughing at their phone and going out with their friends. I suffer from depression and when I’ve been so ill that I’ve been signed off work, I don’t even look at my phone and going out with friends would be the last thing I’d want to do in the world. I just want to hide away. So no, YANBU, they need to be open to getting better, whether that’s going to the GP for meds, therapy or both, they’ve got to try. If they don’t then that’s disrespecting you and your marriage imo

Does your DH identify as male @Bigjo ?

No you’re not unreasonable. Dh was both depressed and intermittently psychotic during our marriage and it was fucking hard. He however was constantly focused on recovery. You wouldn’t believe how much he did to try to stay well or to improve when things were bad.

You should be a team. He must know what helps, even if he can’t do all of it yet. Routine, fresh air every day, exercise every day even if it only starts with making it to the front step. Some kind of contribution to life, even if it’s putting jacket potatoes for the family in the oven and opening a tin of beans. Getting the counsellor to help him set goals. Tell him you believe he can and will recover but you need to see him acting like he believes it too.

Was going to ask this as well - not the big issue but the use of ‘they’ throughout was unusual. He sounds like he’s pulling a fast one tbh

I can believe he was stressed and struggling when he was signed off, but I’m not seeing any evidence of serious mental illness in your post. At this point I suspect he’s taking a responsibility holiday at your expense.

Either he goes to the GP, gets a formal diagnosis and starts medication and/or frequent counselling to overcome a psychiatric condition, or he starts making tangible plans to return to work ASAP.

His “anti depression” routine should include all the cleaning and childcare.

Why call him they and specify it’s your husband? Does that come into the depression somehow? Has he/they gone back on medication?

Yes...

They are male

What your partner is doing isn't working. If they're burnt out from work, they need to sort that out. Eg look for another job, lessen responsibilities, work on workaholism (if that's a tendency), cut hours, change departments etc etc Alongside that they need therapy to find proper coping strategies, to take medication, exercise - as it's excellent for depression, eat properly etc

Routine is essential when dealing with mental health, so getting up at the same time and being constructive is important. Dealing with someone with mental health problems is incredibly draining and you need to look after yourself.

If you have any support such as friends and family, lean on them. Join support groups, in real life if possible so you're not so isolated but online is good if there's no time. If you can afford to buy in help, do that.

Conjoined twins?

YANBU. Can your DH not change jobs to one more suitable?

I'd be depressed and withdrawing if my spouse referred to me as 'they'. It is contemptuous and impersonal.

This is exactly what I was wondering 😵‍💫

Is your DH two people!?

'they' aren't anything. You mean he is male.

So then HE is male, no they

Why did he stop the ADs?

They're all male. Every damn one.

Why do you use "they" when referring to a male who identifies as a man?

Fuck me, the pronoun police are a tedious and witless bunch.

I think the point has been made, get over it already.

Why do you keep using the pronoun they then? It's really tricky to read.

I think the point is that people are genuinely confused @TinyIsMyNewt

This is a part of the problem regarding the pronoun discourse, the people who are trying to understand preferences are summarily dismissed, by some, as "tedious and witless" or worse.

So glad there is some helpful advice on here amongst the constant pro noun discussion. Unbelievable this has been steered this way.

Good luck OP, living with someone with depression is hard, living with someone who refuses to get help is even harder .

Ummm I go on my phone constantly when I’m depressed and can’t seem to stop. I also laugh at things. I can laugh at something or have a lovely time with someone then fall back into a very low mood and be suicidal again shortly afterwards. It’s not an exact pattern. I do hide away when depressed though but not everyone does this as evidenced by the people who kill themselves who are described as the life and soul of the party in the run up. Different people do depression differently.