To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

[Bigjo]

I have been married to DH for 7years. Historically before we met they suffered with depression which was well managed. Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been signed off by GP for anxiety and stress (burn out) due to stressful working situation, difficulty with workload and struggling with being a new parent and navigating the toddler years.
I am working full time. Childcare and chores are pretty much shared, although DS has parent preference with me and some seperation anxiety so I do bedtimes and night wakes and most of getting up in the mornings on my 2 days off. I'm starting to feel really resentful and unaffectionate towards DH. They spend day moping around the house. The house is a tip- dishes from last night still piled in sink even though DS is at nursery all day. They spend most of day in bed, bed hasn't been made, then scroll through phone and watch tv all day. Evening spent scrolling through phone and laughing at videos. Doesn't seem to be doing anything productive to recover (has got a counsellor which i insisted on and paid for). Has been going out with friends 3 days in 2 weeks whilst I'm at home with DS and have not had any time to myself. I know marriage is in sickness and health, but AIBU to be struggling with feeling unsupportive and struggling to be sympathetic to my DH during this time?

The poster must live in Brighton apparently this they/them is rife there.

I didn't say he has to see a psychiatrist to get antidepressants (most people just get them from their GPs) - I was saying he should also ask the GP to get a referral to a psychiatrist and get the initial ADs from the GP. As he clearly has treatment resistant depression, a psychiatrist can help to problem solve different options (that GPs as generalists cannot) perhaps even electrical stimulation therapy done properly and, well, has high efficacy rates.

Also the more specific you are with GP's the better they often do for you (links to the ICE strategy they learn and also not all GP's are bad, I've had my fair share and I've had ones that had gone above and beyond and referred to all services). If OP's DH asks and pushes for DBT and / or other therapies (looking at his treatment resistant/persistent MDD, he can get more intense therapy as a result of that), espeically if he sees a GP with a special interest in mental health (as they'll likely be more clueded up on services and treatment).

Most people with less severe mental health issues/illnesses/uncomplicated issues will just be managed by their GP. Some (most more severe or treatment resistant conditions or complicated backgrounds) will see a psychiatrist (these days, sometimes GPs try and manage more due to waiting lists). It's the same as any other conditions/speciality - GPs prescribe the majority of meds but if severe or worsening condition or the GP's treatment doesn't improve the patients conditions they are referred to a psychiatrist as a specialist.

I think you have to start setting out what is right for you and you child

he needs to deal with his depression and anxiety he has made decisions to come off medication and now he has been signed off work where does he see himself going. No purpose in his day to day life just makes the situation worse for him and your family

I do not blame you at all op for being fed up. Some people get trapped in this cycle but some do not want to break it and when others are there to carry them they do not have to

you have been extremely supportive but now you have to make decisions about what is right for you and your child and that shouldn’t include carry someone who is not going to work on themselves

Only kidding. Honestly it sounds like his job is stressful and he needs a break. Not stopping him from getting off his phone and making life easier for the poster.

Motivation is very hard when one is depressed. PP mentioned goals and I would start with small ones, like doing the washing up once a day, minimum. I read hundreds of books when I was in a deep depression , when I didn’t have my head under the duvet unable to even get dressed. It’s a distraction and takes you away from your reality. I didn’t go out and see friends though as socialising felt very pressured. You didn’t say whether they have started anti depressants again but that would make sense and they do take a while to kick in if he has . If you think he isn’t doing everything he can to recover there is nothing wrong with having a conversation insisting he takes steps towards recovery and lay out what you think they might be. Sometimes a kick up the arse is very helpful, depression or not.

This. He may well have depression, but he is also lazy and doesn't want to "adult". It is as though he has reverted to being a teenager and you are his mum, OP.
So, he's not much use as a partner and father.
I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out. Help himself. You can't do everything.

Totally agree to all of the above xx

He goes back on meds and he engages properly with his counsellor, or gets some other kind of help/therapy.
He may be really ill, and I'm not unsympathetic, but he has to work at getting better and/or managing it.

"...neither tedious nor witless..."

"...try to preserve..."

Thank goodness I was here! We nearly lost the language there!

😆

Thank you Tiny

Isn't this discussion a perfect demonstration of how needlessly using 'they' detracts from the main point?

I have asked struggled with depression and anxiety, and in the past was once signed off work for it (although I was single and no kids at the time). The time off work was invaluable to my long-term mental health, but I had to use that time wisely - treating it as a summer holiday will do good in the long run. I got on medication, attending counselling and paid for a personal trainer who specialised in exercise to promote mental health. I think you'd be feeling a lot less frustrated if your DH was taking more concrete steps to improve his MH - steps not initiating by you. I would be concerned that you both could be in the same position in 5 years if he doesn't use this time sensibly.

He is Male (not they unless they are not identifying as Male) and he is taking the piss.

Or how some people are so obsessed with pronouns that they needlessly derail a thread by asking if OP is married to cojoined twins and pretend not to understand the post?

🤣🤣🤣

I think I love you.

@Jumpingthruhoops “also detracts from the main point, which it has done here”
It only detracts from the main point cos you keep bringing it up!! Seriously why do you care?! It’s such a petty non-issue 🙄

No.

You would be surprised by number of posters who clicked “bravo” at it. Not everyone cofused. Its not writing style. Its silly new norm

If it didn't, nobody would have commented. So, respectfully, you are wrong.

No soapbox, just preserving the English language. Hope that helps.

I remember reading a thread where the OP asked why people got so hacked off with others getting "reasonable adjustments" at work. It was really interesting, particularly a poster who said the RA were usually things that we would ALL want so it seems unfair and puts the burden on others -

being able to come in later
go home early
take more breaks
have interview questions sent beforehand so they could prepare answers

and other things that mean co-workers are left to do more, causing resentment even if people are understanding of why the RA are made.

Seems the same with MH. Who wouldn't like a few duvet days to spend doing what you wanted, with no childcare/ housework issues?

People like your H who know the answers to their problems but want to just indulge themselves are just lazy and selfish, and know YOU will pick up the slack for your kids sake

It really isn’t.

Well, thanks for your insight, Norm.

Yes. Please stop trying to push your own agenda. No one cares!

I’m not going to get drawn into the pronoun derailment - thank you for the laugh Tiny!

Whilst marriage vows say in sickness and in health they don’t mean that you have to put up with literally anything from a sick spouse. If your DH became aggressive through MH or a brain tumour it isn’t something you could happily allow your child to be exposed to or be expected to tolerate yourself. Likewise you don’t have to put up with total neglect of household and life responsibilities from him. The fact your DH seems capable of engaging happily with friends and social media means he isn’t spending his entire days in pits of despair. This is a good thing but like others said he has to channel that differently and try to get better and be a supportive equal partner in your marriage. Otherwise understandably you get frustrated and go off him.

It is very hard for anyone to judge how much is him being lazy and opting out of the boring bits of life - like work and parenting. You know his character and can judge this though.

But either way if he won’t change you are entitled to leave the marriage. It cant be good for any children to be around such a disinterested father, regardless of the cause. And it isnt good for you either - your own MH must be taking a toll as you are carrying the burden of everything including him!