To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

[Bigjo]

I have been married to DH for 7years. Historically before we met they suffered with depression which was well managed. Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been signed off by GP for anxiety and stress (burn out) due to stressful working situation, difficulty with workload and struggling with being a new parent and navigating the toddler years.
I am working full time. Childcare and chores are pretty much shared, although DS has parent preference with me and some seperation anxiety so I do bedtimes and night wakes and most of getting up in the mornings on my 2 days off. I'm starting to feel really resentful and unaffectionate towards DH. They spend day moping around the house. The house is a tip- dishes from last night still piled in sink even though DS is at nursery all day. They spend most of day in bed, bed hasn't been made, then scroll through phone and watch tv all day. Evening spent scrolling through phone and laughing at videos. Doesn't seem to be doing anything productive to recover (has got a counsellor which i insisted on and paid for). Has been going out with friends 3 days in 2 weeks whilst I'm at home with DS and have not had any time to myself. I know marriage is in sickness and health, but AIBU to be struggling with feeling unsupportive and struggling to be sympathetic to my DH during this time?

Hi I think there are two issues here.
I've been depressed and burnt out a few years ago when we had teen dcs .I was signed off work end result was a few weeks.
It's exhausting actually makes you sleep a lot.The housework still got done though.
Burnout is real.He needs some kind of sympathy as he maybe feeling absolutely dreadful and the odd giggle doesn't stop the thoughts going in a downward spiral.
Why can't he take hiseds again.?
I do feel for both of you as my DH can become demotivated and I find it unappealing too.

The obvious answer is he needs to go back onto his anti depressants- I'm not surprised you're pissed off - he's a father and needs to start taking responsibility for his (mental) health.
I sympathise with his depression (I have suffered with depression and it's horrendous), but sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk.

for you both x

Try and get him to see the GP again @Bigjo as he's not doing well and may need to try medication again to stabilise him. Have you talked to him properly about how you feel? How his behaviour is impacting you and the family? Ask him what he needs from you for support (you may think you know bit it may be different), and then you tell the basic thing he needs to do, that way you can work together and get through this but everyone needs to be clear on expectations and the plan going forward.

Haven’t read the thread but just wanted to say that you are unreasonable for referring to your DH as they.

He is male

I am sorry but I can't take this post seriously. If you are explicitly talking about your husband then what is the point of referring to him in plural?
Unless this is a cleverly cloaked rage post for which I have succumbed.

You have not explained why the use of 'they' for a husband, who is male. This seems to conceal something, on your side...

He just sounds lazy to me

👏👏👏

OP has posted about a serious issue and everyone's asking about the pronouns. It's like when an OP makes a small typo and people latch on, completely ignoring the initial post to make "funny" comments.

🙄

Exactly, so many blooming posts about that when it’s a serious post seeking help. Some posters on this forum are ridiculous. Especially when they pretend they can’t understand the post too when it’s not written in a certain way. They must sit waiting for posts to jump on so they can feel superior. Pathetic.

OP I would feel the same. He needs to get back on the anti depressants. Do you cook dinner? Make sure he washes up if you do straight after. He may be unwell, but most women have no choice but to crack on with household chores and parenting no matter how they feel, so expecting him to wash up etc is perfectly reasonable. I’d have a chat with him and suggest he gets himself out of bed at the very least as that won’t be helping. I’d be feeling as fed up as you are.

It sounds like your DH has come off the anti-depressants prematurely, and needs to go back on to them.

This needs to be done gradually, so would encourange your DH to go see their GP.

I assume op wrote the post to be neutral on which sex the partner was but changed a reference to DH before posting, so it seems jarring to have referred to him in different ways.

Always good before posting an op to read it and think "what is the first thing MNers will ask"?

Also @Bigjo lean on your own support systems - friends and family. Lean on them, get your own therapist perhaps either NHS or through work maybe, even just for a while. Try and do something for you, whether that be sport, the gym, art even just an hour a week, where it's just you and DH steps up for you during that. That seems like a fattier compromise considering how debilitating MDD can be, even though scrolling can make you look like your fine, you are often masking and completely disengaged from what your watching - it's just passing time, that you don't want to experience.

I appreciate though this makes it difficult for you, with all the kids, but you also have to appreciate how relapses can be difficult and walking outside and doing work doesn't help with sevre depression - it helps you maintain a baseline when better and for people to stabilise their mental health not a mental illness. Mental illness is stabilised through meds and therapy and kept that way through routine and walking and sometimes work (but this depends on the person). Doing detailed research on this could he'll you understand and for the two of you to work together on a compromise which helps the both of you. Perhaps also look into couples therapy, maybe even just every 2 weeks, as a way to check in and work together to get through this?

I think Marriage is in sickness and health only applies when both people are committed. And someone who’s taken themselves off their ads, dumped their job, doesn’t help around the house, but happy to go out with friends, and cheerfully laugh at videos all evening, is not putting in the effort to your marriage, so I’d be telling them that.

Do you think he's hiding behind his depression to avoid doing things he doesn't like?

I think using "they" nowadays infers that the person in question is in some way trans or fluid. It didn't read well, for me

OP - I would suggest that your husband goes back to the GP, gets medicated and has counselling

If he refuses to do this or if he does this and it doesn't work, I'd consider a trial separation

But if the ‘they’ was because DH identified as non binary or something, or used different pronouns on different days, that could be very relevant.

I think OP may be speaking in a second language.

How does he feel about his depression?

Does he see it as an illness he can recover from and is making a plan to do just that or does he see himself as a depressed person and that’s just the way things are meaning they’re not going to do anything to alter the current state?

I think this distinction is important as my DH sees himself as the latter and has been really resistant to doing anything positive towards recovery for many years although he is semi-functioning most of the time now he's on SSRIs.

Would I have stayed if I’d realised this is how he sees himself and therefore won’t change. Most probably not.

OP cleared up pretty quickly that "They are male" and was quoted and asked about cojoined twins, which suggests to me that people weren't asking about him being non binary, Also, something as major as that is 99% likely to be in the OP.

He took himself off his ADs in consultation with his doctors and his GP - it was likely tapered over time in dosage and a decision they both felt was for the better. It's not like he just suddenly stopped himself. OP's DH likely has chronic depression/MDD, so he cannot completely recover (some people obviously can) but he can manage it somewhat, will likely still have episodes and relapses across his life and will need support from a psychiatrist and therapy very long-term.

How are people still confused if OP has immediately confirmed that her DH is male?

Why can't we talk about the pronouns fiasco? Maybe it is a sign of deeper problems under the surface.

You don't have to stay with someone who makes you miserable, and you don't have to stay with someone who won't help themselves. His mental health does not trump yours (or your kids).

Tell him the situation can't go on. He needs to go back to the GP, and he needs to come up with a plan for work.

He absolutely can wallow in bed all day, but he can't go out with friends and leave the place a tip.