To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

[Bigjo]

I have been married to DH for 7years. Historically before we met they suffered with depression which was well managed. Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been signed off by GP for anxiety and stress (burn out) due to stressful working situation, difficulty with workload and struggling with being a new parent and navigating the toddler years.
I am working full time. Childcare and chores are pretty much shared, although DS has parent preference with me and some seperation anxiety so I do bedtimes and night wakes and most of getting up in the mornings on my 2 days off. I'm starting to feel really resentful and unaffectionate towards DH. They spend day moping around the house. The house is a tip- dishes from last night still piled in sink even though DS is at nursery all day. They spend most of day in bed, bed hasn't been made, then scroll through phone and watch tv all day. Evening spent scrolling through phone and laughing at videos. Doesn't seem to be doing anything productive to recover (has got a counsellor which i insisted on and paid for). Has been going out with friends 3 days in 2 weeks whilst I'm at home with DS and have not had any time to myself. I know marriage is in sickness and health, but AIBU to be struggling with feeling unsupportive and struggling to be sympathetic to my DH during this time?

A responsibility holiday! I've not heard that term before. I'll take one of those thanks - sounds like bloody bliss.

You're a saint! Mental health issues or not I couldn't deal with this for a prolonged period of time.

😃😃

You can change this! You can give ultimatum or leave! Lots of people have MH issues and not all use it to manipulate, get out of the hard bits of life, excuse all the nasty bits of their personality etc etc.

Do consider leaving. My friend grew up affluent with a father who on the surface had seemed great until he had a break down. But in reality he’d been gambling all the money away too and always been deeply manipulative and selfish at home. His MH deteriorated.

The mum stayed with him out of duty and fear and manipulation no doubt. Both children grew up around this and their parents deteriorating relationship with him regularly threatening to kill himself or her and being sectioned.

By the end it was absolutely toxic - regardless of the MH issues he suffered the couple hated each other and there was no love or even like left by the end.

The 2 daughters had their own struggles and issues as a result. And this tremendous guilt when they left home as soon as possible as they saw their mum effectively saying we have to stay as a family no matter how your father behaves and how bad our relationship becomes.

It really isn’t a healthy way to live for your children.

OP swapped to 'he' in the first post. That's why it was confusing.

YANBU @Bigjo and I am sorry for the bashing you have had on here for your use of 'they' for your husband. As has been said, can people just rein it in now. I think the OP has got the idea!

Yeah, I know/have known plenty of women who have a husband who seems to go through depression - but it's when it suits him. He is depressed and low when it comes to domestic chores and childcare, and visiting or engaging with her family (and his own sometimes!) And he always seems to be 'ill' at Christmas, and similar family events, sometimes taking himself to bed in his dressing gown of doom, and carpet slippers. Leaving all the work and the mental load, to the woman/wife/mother. But he's fine when he wants to be, when he's with his mates, and doing something HE wants to do.

One man I knew (this was a couple of decades ago,) cried out for an ambulance saying he had searing pains in his chest, and stomach, and his intestines. His wife called 999 - and an ambulance, (and the paramedics) came. He was rolling about wailing when they came. (Seemingly in pain!) He went to hospital and had multiple tests - including on his heart, and bowel, and stomach etc, and there was 100% nothing wrong with him. Not a damn thing. Normal bloods, normal blood pressure, and normal heart rate.

He managed to wangle 5 days in hospital, and it all resulted in his wife having to care for their 2 toddlers alone for 2 weeks (as when he came out, he played the 'ill' card for another 10 days,) and he didn't move out of his armchair for a moment. Only to use the loo, and go to bed. She waited on him hand and foot, and was frazzled looking after 2 toddlers too. He also managed to swerve a family wedding (her cousin) that he didn't want to go to, (but she HAD to take the kids as he was 'too ill' to look after them.) And he said when he came from hospital that it was 'ridiculous' that they found nothing, 'as clearly he was ill.'

Clearly there was fuck-all wrong with him. There are multiple stories like this from men who feign illness to avoid family commitments, looking after the children, and doing anything he doesn't want to do really. Sometimes it's physical ailments, sometimes they claim they have depression. And God help you if you are ill. Men like this don't like to be the carer!

I am NOT saying that people make up depression, and it's not real, of course it's real, but yeah, I do know some people who are depressed when it suits them, and it's usually men who have a partner/wife, and children. They act this way to detach themselves from family life and commitments.

Not much you can do though @Bigjo apart from leave him/break up with him, because he will never change. If you are separated, he will be forced to step up, and look after his own children, and actually do something for himself! I'm sorry you are going through this.

Time for some tough love.
Their MH would drastically improve if they put the phone down.

The OP didn’t use ‘he’ anywhere to be fair.

You're right - apologies. I guess when I got to 'DH' I made an (incorrect) assumption. I still find it confusing but it seems impossible to have a reasonable discussion about this anywhere which is frustrating.

I don’t think anyone has talked about women’s rights on this thread yet at all, so it’s not feminism. It’s basic common sense, and identifying a clear possibility why the OP might be struggling.

In all honesty, I thought I saw ‘he’ there too when I first read it. My brain was doing loop-the-loops because of it being obviously a husband, but not a ‘he’. I had to read it a second time.

Many of us have had exactly that same problem. OP clarified that her husband is a male. Fine. So what are they using they? It is pretty reasonable to wonder whether there are some mental health issues at play. Also the fact that OP has gone ninja does not help either.

There is nothing more fucking irritating than a multitude of MN posters pontificating about mental illness like they're bloody experts:

"My Aunt Daisy had clinical depression but still managed to clean the house, raise 14 children, and win Wimbledon"
"Mental illness is never an excuse for opting out of responsibilities"
"I had depression but I still managed to do EVERYTHING this person isn't'

It's such bollocks, I've had depression, nursed people with depression, been friends with people with depression and fucking studied it, the moment you come out with bollocks like that, the moment you just reveal yourself to be utterly ignorant about the condition - yes you may have had it, yes you may know someone else who did - but not every fucking case is the same.

My personal experience ranges from being functional, e,g, holding down a job, being a decent parent, to being unable to get out of bed and being days, if not hours, from being admitted - nothing I could do or affect made a difference to how extreme my depression was - it was whatever my fucking brain decided to do that month.

I wasn't a more honourable or decent or acceptable person - 'the correct sort of depressive' - when I was written off work but still did cleaning - than when i was unable to walk through a threshold or even think about the smallest of responsibilities, let alone take them on.

As for the "if they're off work, then their 9-5 is to work on their health" comment, what a fucking joy that would be - what a joy it would be to have both mood, thought and anxiety levels that could facilitate being able to 'work hard on my recovery' rather than just hope this day I could open the front door, or this medicine would work, or this month therapy would be availiable, or today I would have reconisable emotions, or this week the briefest of human interaction wouldn't seem utterly terrifying.

Fortunately, I'm married to someone who gets this, just as I do when their chronic lifelong physical illness leaves them incapable of getting off the couch for days on end. Maybe I should judge them, tell them that it's not 'acceptable to opt out of family life" just cos they don't have the physical strength to stand, or are phsyical health needs more 'moral'?

Our situation is very complicated by the face that DH relocated to my home country, we have a disabled child and also financial issues. I've looked into things and I don't have grounds to force him out, he's never been abusive, and he would never leave of his own will. He's not bothered that I'm unhappy, any time I bring it up he "needs to go to bed", everything is literally about him and how he feels.
It's not all miserable, we are financially stable and I've learned to compartmentalize and for now logistically it's easier for me to remain with him. I've mentally taken a massive step back recently and that has helped me, but his "mental health" has become a lot worse as a result. I do think he has some sort of PTSD and attachment issues, but I've realized now that this is not my problem to solve.

It could have been re-steered early on if @Bigjo had replied "He is male" but choosing to persist with the, apparently unnecessary*, "they are male" presentation is weird, is difficult to process when reading (because your brain keeps thinking "they? No, he") and does very much stand out in the original post.

If your DH was upstairs would you ever describe that as "they are upstairs".... of course not. If someone employs and persists in using terminology the rest of us don't it is not, or shouldn't be, at all surprising that people ask "why?"

*unnecessary because DH is a man identifying as a man.

Well said. Depression is bespoke. It’s very different for everyone. Many people are exceptionally ignorant about this, even when they have suffered with it themselves. Our youngest has severe OCD. At one point he was still able to attend school (with flexible arrangements) but he couldn’t visit his grandparents/extended family or go out socially in general. I was sick listening to people saying ‘well surely if he’s able to go to school … etc’. He hasn’t been at school for over a year and the questions have stopped. Presumably because they are satisfied that he has ‘proper’ OCD now, as opposed to the fake version where he was making it up as he went along. I don’t expect people to understand the ins and outs of my child’s mental health condition, but I do expect them to believe me when I briefly explain it. I don’t want to have to explain it, but someone needs to advocate for him under such ridiculous scrutiny.

I wish we could look at mental health medicine the same way we do others.

A diabetic doesn’t feel the need to eventually go off insulin. Asthmatics don’t aspire to never need their inhaler.

some illnesses are chronic and there is no shame in taking medication forever for them.

if DH has serious and chronic depression- he should be open to the idea that medication is going to be an important and long term solution for him.

Well said. Depression is bespoke. It’s very different for everyone. Many people are exceptionally ignorant about this, even when they have suffered with it themselves.

Depression is indeed bespoke, and up to a point, different for everyone (although obviously there are commonalities that make up the criteria for a diagnosis).

That also means, though, that lazy, selfish people can suffer from depression just like anyone else - and that when they are, it can be very difficult to separate what behaviours are down to their depression and what behaviours are simply down to their core personality.

I, for example, have had to explain to medical professionals on more than one occasion that not socialising with anyone for weeks at at time, is not in fact, a symptom of my depression - I'm just as likely to be antisocial when my mental health is great! It certainly might be a symptom of depression in someone else, but in me it really is just my personality.

It's also true that it can be very hard for other people to tell the difference between depression and dissatisfaction with one's situation. None of us truly know whether the OP's husband is suffering from depression or whether he's checked out of family life because he's miserable in the marriage and fundamentally lazy. It could be either. The two things look very similar. I personally think there are clues to which one is the case for the OP's partner, but obviously I don't know, and neither does anyone else here.

that is just copy paste of various sources of information. there is so much more information now out there about these issues that is widely disregarded. AD are dished out like candy and numerous investigations show how damaging they can be, they became the quick fix for a range of issues that they actually cannot fix. there is plenty of evidence that demolish the myth of chemical imbalances etc. I have yet to meet someone who was indeed helped by AD, I met plenty if people who were just numbed by them and I have never met or heard of those enabling range of emotions. Most of the time there is a cause for depression and anxiety but the approach is to put a plaster over with AD. years ago I conducted a literature review as part of a larger project. the evidence on antidepressants prescribing in England was shocking, high levels with very little benefit, think less than 20% of people seeing some benefit. Since then prescription levels especially in young people have increased a lot more. The cases where they are really needed and where there is no specific cause are much rarer. If we don't address the way what is considered modern life is impacting on people's health and wellbeing things are going to continue to get worse despite inadequate and damaging meds

Well, I completely disagree (we'll likely agree to disagree), and I didn't copy and paste any of that. I wrote it myself. Also, I have met many people across different illnesses and different levels of severity who were helped by them and said it didn't numb them but actually over time helped them enjoy things more. I also know some people who started on one AD and the side effects meant they still after some time had anhedonia etc - some switched dose and others the AD and they had the issues resolved that way. ADs are like any other medication (it won't always be amazing for everyone). Most people with depression and other mental illness already have anhedonia, lack of motivation etc - and ADs do take time to work and stabilise along with therapy etc, so initially many people don't feel a change or may feel sluggish or like again they're numbed. However after giving the AD time, they're able to get more motivation and enjoyment out of hobbies etc - once again context in looking at data and studies matter, when did you check in with the participants, how often, what were the questions, did the questions change or not, were the questions qualitative or qualitative? As well as many other questions.

I also didn't say the only cause for idiopathic depression and mental illness is a chemical imbalance but that it can be and there can be many causes, sometimes we cannot change the cause but we can improve our symptoms and our lives regardless and we should (most of the time its a mix of issues we can change and some we can't but we can heal from). There are many different meds which don't 'solve an issue' but treat symptoms (which sometimes for patients is their main goal, of course once testing etc has been done to make sure there isn't another cause of the mental health issues).

Also, you have done your studies, fair enough, but research does (in some things with unclear facts/debate) always agree. There are studies that have found the opposite (whilst having good sample size, double blind, longitudinal, etc). I don't know the context of your study. The main, etc, and data always need context. ADs aren't given out like candy if you look at it proportionally across the population and I personally think that for ADs (and other meds for both physical and mental illness) it's much better to have easy accessibility through a GP to manage them and that people can live good and productive lives using a low-dose AD to help them along with lifestyle changes and therapy. It all comes together to help the patient. Furthermore, ADs (particularly off-label ones) can be and often are helpful for low-level nerve and chronic pain and also sometimes for blood pressure, etc, and sleep as well.

ADs compared to other medication like high blood pressure and omeprazole isn't that prescribed. Again lots of people get Omeprazole or high blood pressure meds (it doesn't mean we should stop this and there's no rhetoric on blood pressure meds being given out like 'candy'). Again people with high blood pressure get the meds but also education (online or in person) to lifestyle and health/exercise changes, diet changes and more and if needed more treatment from cardiology. In the latest top 10 most prescribed medication, no ADs showed (not sure about top 20). We should address how modern life and policies link to worse mental health - homelessness, evictions, cost of living etc however this can co-exist with giving people acess to medication. And for most people with at least a moderate mental illness they do need some form of medication especially in OP's DH's case and many others including children. On your research many people take meds (of all different types) and they don't tell their GP it doesn't benefit them - you'd likely the same for many other meds. It's unfair to criticise GP's for this as patients likely lie, if they were honest, most GP's would look at social prescribing instead or change dose or change the medication. That has more to do with trust in doctors and access to GP appointments as well.

Finally, it's you're lucky day, as you've met someone who benefited truly from psychiatric medication (antidepressants and others). Like my experiences with other meds, the first AD I took didn't help and I felt the same, tried for weeks. However after changing it and getting the dose right, I'm still mad at myself for letting stigma be the reason I took so long to try them, I did start seeing more 'colour' and got joy and other emotions back - not immediately but Iver a few months, this was before I'd done any therapy at the time (I had done some poor and short therpay before). They have and continue to save my life, and I started taking them in my teens for a variety of reasons and history. I'm guessing you don't agree with me, that's fine, so I likely won't reply after because I have a feeling I'm not changing your mind but you had points I felt I wanted to address this time.

So what are they using they?

Are...you using they to describe the OP?

OR...OP is a woman, her husband is a man and she just happens to use the singular they.

Sorry, but you are just plain wrong. Depression can make you incapable of doing almost anything. You might as well be telling a depressed person to pull their socks up - it won't work.

Yes, because I don't know if OP is a man or a woman. Therefore, it is a valid use of the singular they.
They on the other hand are purposefully ignoring the fact that their husband identifies as a man. There might a reason to justify that but we'll never know as they never bothered to come back.

I was in a relationship with someone who suffered with depression. (I met him.when he was feeling well so had no idea) We did not live together. I think depression manifests itself in.different ways. I found the lows extremely difficult to.cope with. I nearly ended up depressed myself. My experiencehas definitely affected me. . Prioritise your well- being and that of your children OP.