To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

[Bigjo]

I have been married to DH for 7years. Historically before we met they suffered with depression which was well managed. Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been signed off by GP for anxiety and stress (burn out) due to stressful working situation, difficulty with workload and struggling with being a new parent and navigating the toddler years.
I am working full time. Childcare and chores are pretty much shared, although DS has parent preference with me and some seperation anxiety so I do bedtimes and night wakes and most of getting up in the mornings on my 2 days off. I'm starting to feel really resentful and unaffectionate towards DH. They spend day moping around the house. The house is a tip- dishes from last night still piled in sink even though DS is at nursery all day. They spend most of day in bed, bed hasn't been made, then scroll through phone and watch tv all day. Evening spent scrolling through phone and laughing at videos. Doesn't seem to be doing anything productive to recover (has got a counsellor which i insisted on and paid for). Has been going out with friends 3 days in 2 weeks whilst I'm at home with DS and have not had any time to myself. I know marriage is in sickness and health, but AIBU to be struggling with feeling unsupportive and struggling to be sympathetic to my DH during this time?

YABU to choose a mentally unwell partner. Sorry.

I knew someone, years ago, who was married to someone like this. He just gave up his job and said he was depressed, anxious, and burned out. Over the next 10 years, like a frog in boiling water, he trained her to accept less and less from him. Now he’s a 24 hour gamer, hugely obese and on disability, and living the life of Riley. She is a husk, having brought up 3 kids on her own. She wouldn’t leave him and I don’t really know why. My point is, be very careful he is not opting out at your expense.

My young staff do this too. Drives me mad. "Service user and their partner are separating because they have experienced DV in the relationship. They have involved the police. They want to remain in the marital home" Cue email back from me to clarify, have both been perpetrators of DV? Have both reported to the police? Do both want to remain in the home? Such a waste of time.

He needs to go back on antidepressants asap

I get that for some people recovery is difficult, full recovery may be impossible but if that’s the case for the OP’s DH then she should consider how long she wants to live like this as she really doesn’t seem happy.

We also don’t know if recovery is possible as he doesn’t appear to be doing anything to aid it.

Also agree with this. He needs an urgent appointment with the GP.

”..struggling with being a new parent and navigating the toddler years.’

That jumped out at me. When you have children, you can’t just opt out.

I think I’d feel the same way as you. You’re doing everything, and he’s sitting around, and not even doing the basics. You’re a new parent, and you’re not getting any support.

Not sure where you go from here though, apart from having a serious chat about taking his meds, what you expect from him regarding housekeeping etc

I feel for you @Bigjo . You are carrying your family financially and emotionally while your DH seems to have checked out. It must be like having a teenage son at home.

I have been on antidepressants for over 20 years. I have tried to slightly reduce but the symptoms just come back: tired physically and mentally to the bone and crying without reason. That's why I don't stop taking them. My children need me to fonction. I'm a sahm because one child disabled (50-80%) and I do everything at home so my DH just focusses on work. You're supposed to be a team!!

It's neither tedious or witless to try and preserve the English language.
Using 'they' throughout a post, when the DH is male and identifies as such, is not only jarring to read but also detracts from the main point, which it has done here.

Nice victim blaming 🙄

He needs to go back to the Drs for help and either get back on his meds or find an alternative if the previous ones didn't agree with him.

He needs to be keeping the house tidy since he's at home, I've not had depression but a friend I know who has it says keeping a routine (and in fact a job!) is what keeps his depression at bay as it forces him to do stuff.

Also, kindly reminder that not everyone will speak English as their first language and when people are upset, they might make typos. Try being kind instead of kicking someone when they are already down.

I've re-read the OP and don't get the impression that English is their second language (so yes, I know about the singular they!) And I don't see why anybody would need to mention someone being non binary if it wasn't relevant to the post, which it seems it wasn't in this case.

I’ve been on anti depressants for about 30 years.

Ive seen an NHS pyschiatrist once ( there are none) and have had very little therapy from the nhs. It hardly exists.

HE is male. Using ‘they’ instead is an irritating affectation. This nonsense should stop.

It really doesn’t. And you know that. You’ve just found a soapbox to climb on.

The husband must be non binary I think.

You need to ask yourself how long it has been going on for? If it is months, then you need to get in outside help. If weeks, give it a chance. Don't be too intolerant too soon. My father suffered with depression aged 50. He did his best but was prone to angry outbursts which left us in tears. You need to ask yourself are you prepared to be your husband's support or are you looking out for yourself and your kids? Reverse the roles. How would you feel if the tables were turned?

Depression is horrible but he needs to be helping himself - when we are in a relationship we have a duty to make an effort for the other person - to try and be better versions of ourselves . Even when we are unwell or depressed - you have to keep trying . And he’s not trying .

Yep. So dense. This person is reaching out for help and their language is being picked over by vultures.

I admit I couple be wrong but I implied from the OP, "Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been
signed off byGP for anxiety and stress." I impliedthat it was a reasonable decision, which at the time she did not oppose either and neither did the GP oppose it (I'm also assuming that the GP know this - so likely would have somehow supervised it, or

intervened if they had concerns, as it seems they have a good relationship with the GP(s).

Also stopping medication isn't always bad - unless done abruptly but that's more about side effects and withdrawal. Done well, over time it can be positive and can be negative. It clearly was fine for almost a year. He could 1. Be sufficient without them and want a break 2. Think the dosage wasn't worth the side effects etc.

As @Tessisme mentioned "Just because the person can do some stuff sometimes, doesn’t mean they can participate in anything involving expectations and responsibility, particularly when stress is a factor." Depression is complex and also it can be hard when you got better to them relapse and come to terms with that again -it can be difficult as some people see that as they'll never get better and they're descended to fail.

Especially since the OP mentions how he hasn't had an episode since he's been with her -it's hard to have an episode around someone you love as you feel worthless and like they don't want you around and they don't like you.
So,it's hard to engage with the family. That being said, it's only fair if the OP let's DH know how she's feeling, and they have a conversation resetting boundaries and expectations and explaining how they both are feeling and trusting each other to work together. For DH that would also involve trying a new therapy (DBT seems like it would help), getting back on ADs (now ones or the same but higher dose) and also seeinga psychiatrist for a whole new assesment, to see if anything else is suggested. For OP, that's also learning more, really reading research on how to help someone with MDD and doing that, perhaps them both trying some occasional couples therapy, communicating with DH properly.

I agree with this, it's not acceptable for him to behave like this.
I get that having poor mental health can make it difficult to motivate yourself to do much of anything but he needs to attempt to do as much as he can to get himself well.
You can only look after yourself you can't fix or carry other people, and if this isn't working for you then you need to think about what you want your life to look like.

I’m going to be a bit sharp and I think you need to be too, OP.

No amount of depression stops you clearing up your own mess. If you are in bed all day with depression, which happens, then you won’t have made a lot of mess elsewhere in the house. If you are well enough to make mess you are well enough to clear it up.

Can you manage a slice of toast? Then manage to put the plate in the sink or dishwasher.

This. They is taking the piss

You heard of Weaponised Incompetence?
Well times have moved on, clearly this is the new Medicalised Incompetence.
This is evolution. Incompetence is now stronger as it comes adapted for survival with a CERTIFICATE.

This!