To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

[Bigjo]

I have been married to DH for 7years. Historically before we met they suffered with depression which was well managed. Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been signed off by GP for anxiety and stress (burn out) due to stressful working situation, difficulty with workload and struggling with being a new parent and navigating the toddler years.
I am working full time. Childcare and chores are pretty much shared, although DS has parent preference with me and some seperation anxiety so I do bedtimes and night wakes and most of getting up in the mornings on my 2 days off. I'm starting to feel really resentful and unaffectionate towards DH. They spend day moping around the house. The house is a tip- dishes from last night still piled in sink even though DS is at nursery all day. They spend most of day in bed, bed hasn't been made, then scroll through phone and watch tv all day. Evening spent scrolling through phone and laughing at videos. Doesn't seem to be doing anything productive to recover (has got a counsellor which i insisted on and paid for). Has been going out with friends 3 days in 2 weeks whilst I'm at home with DS and have not had any time to myself. I know marriage is in sickness and health, but AIBU to be struggling with feeling unsupportive and struggling to be sympathetic to my DH during this time?

I can see no evidence of serious mental illness in what you describe. Your DH probably was stressed but is now just taking the opportunity to do fuck all. I’d have a serious discussion with him about your expectations while he’s off - going to a counsellor is no good if you’re then just lying in bed all day, its not a magic fix. He needs to be up and doing things, going for walks, engaging in a routine etc. most people who actually are depressed feel awful guilt about it, sounds like he’s taking the piss.

You’re just making yourself sound really thick here.

He ? Unless you have multiple husbands

Yea, could see why you asked to be honest. Could be a factor

You know we can still see the sarcastic post you originally made?

you lost mw after first “they”

Do people really not learn about the "singular they" in school? I certainly remember being taught about it in the 80s/90s.

It's obviously just her writing style, like yours is no capital letters or full stops and a typo in a six word sentence which has rendered it meaningless. Is 'mw' supposed to be 'me' or 'mn', meaning Mumsnet?

This is how I’ve felt about being depressed during the couple of times I’ve suffered from it and the guilt has been a really motivating factor. That and the fact I don’t like being that unwell and will do almost anything to feel like myself again.

I think you do need to know when he's returning to work and what his plans are to aid his recovery.

I wasn't confused as to who or how many people she was talking about. However, it's curious to have a situation where a poster has confirmed her husband is male and identities as such yet she (presumably) refers to him continually as 'they' throughout her OP.

This suggests she isn't willing to reflect his (standard) pronoun choice/identification and I don't think it's terribly out there to wonder why.

But she/he used they a lot throughout their post. It's not a mistake. Quite often on MN when they is used its because the OP is male and referring to his wife but doesnt want to let on they are male.

I suppose the third option is my DH. He has been depressed off and on since he was about 17 (now 32) and takes SNRIs although has been tapering off for the last 18 months or so as he doesn’t feel like they serve him anymore - they make the depressive episodes less acute but they also make everything else less acute and depressive episodes still happen. He still get them, I find them frustrating tbh as I suppose I thought it wouldn’t be a thing by now but it still is.

The difference is he is now of a mindset where he chooses to live alongside depression. He views it like a flare up of any other chronic illness and knows it will get better in a few weeks. He knows he has responsibilities to me and our life and he doesn’t use it as an excuse not to contribute as it sounds like this man does. He tells me when he feels one coming on and we agree adjustments while he works through it again.

Bloody miserable though I can tell you!

@Bigjo your husband sounds as though he is opting out rather than genuinely depressed. What’s the plan? When is he due back at work? How will he/you know when he is doing better?

My ex-husband had a serious problem with depression and I told him that if he stopped his antidepressants I would leave him. It's completely unfair to expect a family to cope when the person isn't doing something to help themselves.

Be honest about your own struggles, Op.
Insist that you need help in specific ways to be able to function, even though you know it is tough on spouse.

Ask DH directly how the family would cope if you too were to cave under stress and anxiety??

Make a list of chores starting with - get out of bed and dress by a certain hour, make bed, eat, drink, clean kitchen and take a walk outside.

I would also insist that, once you were home, all scrolling devices were left in a common box so that real people can communicate with their family members until the kids were all in bed. Then discussion could be had as to when devices become acceptable distractions from real life and for how long.

Ideally if DH finds scrolling fun he should be sharing some of the joy.

Hope it all improves soon.

There'd be no confusion if OP had used 'he' and 'DH' to start with. By using 'they', it made it confusing! Was this a non-binary person? Was the gender identity some part of the problem? It's not pronoun policing to want to understand what's going on. I'm still confused as to why OP used 'they' and I'm not an idiot, but thanks for the insult.

As a slight aside, my kids do this. I assume it's something they've learned to do at school - they refer to everyone as "they".

To the OP, my DH is sometimes similar. It's not as extreme and more rare but he has "down" episodes once in a while. I find it really hard to be sympathetic as he seems to be able to be nice to everyone but me when he has them. So as far as I am concerned, YANBU.

the op only says he stopped antidepressants. Thats it, there is nothing about consultation with gps etc, that part of your comment is made up. You might perhaps mean - op did his gp suggest taking him off ads? Or was it his idea?

Tbf, the first use if 'they' by the OP made me think she was referring to the antidepressants. The second could have meant both her H and the toddler had been in bed. Obviously with context you can work it out, but if people didn't adopt the unnecessary 'they' it would be easier. Its not 'witless' to prefer language to be clear and unambiguous. Some people find comprehension more challenging when this isn't the case, for a variety of reasons. It's really inappropriate to call them idiots.

What do you mean?

The OP didn't lose any megawatts?

And after first they what? Will you be posting the rest of the sentence later?

I'm so, genuinely, confused - and definitely not being performative! Just like all the other very very sincerely confused posters.

Like fuck would I support someone who chose to go off their meds and then became too unwell to do anything useful.

YANBU OP. He doesn’t get to declare himself unwell and therefore you have no needs to wellbeing of your own to worry about: you matter as well.

the pronoun police should get off this post and bang their drum elsewhere. OP needs help, support and validation- she doesn’t need your political views here, it’s not helpful or relevant.

@BananaCaramelI hadn’t thought of a third way and it sounds as though you both communicate very well, your DH is self aware and has the motivation to work through the times when he’s feeling less well. I can’t see any of those features in howthe OP has described her situation unfortunately.

@healthybychristmasI notice he’s an ex

@user1492757084I think you make some very good points, especially about insisting he’s up, washed and dressed every morning and that phones aren’t used when the DC are awake.

From the language used in the rest of the post, I assumed English is the OPs second language. Do you really think that if OPs husband was non binary then it wouldn't have been mentioned in the OP? Again, the singular they is a completely normal form of speech, were you not taught about it in English class?

I agree with this. Depression, particularly chronic depression, isn’t black and white. You don’t always sink into depression then get better in a straight line. It’s complex and all over the place. And really really shit. Just because the person can do some stuff sometimes, doesn’t mean they can participate in anything involving expectations and responsibility, particularly when stress is a factor/trigger. My aunt has suffered with depression her whole life. She has had periods of lying in bed, not eating, not cleaning, not interacting with a single person. She has also had periods of being more upbeat, with a better structure when she’s cooking for herself, attending a day centre, watching documentaries and walking her dog. And there are in between periods when there’s a bit of both going on. She hasn’t worked since she was in her twenties, other than some voluntary work. And the depression never really goes away. I’m not saying OP’s husband is like this, just giving an example where someone might be able to engage with life to some extent, but not necessarily in all areas. It’s doesn’t have to mean they’re taking the piss.

If he is too unwell to work a job then his 9-5 needs to be GETTING HIMSELF WELL.

He needs to be treating his health like a job, and working to get better. He should be exploring and trying medication. Seeking and attending therapy. Doing healthy things like exercising and meditation.

I would have no fucking time for a grown man moping around on his phone, refusing medication while I carried his dead weight.

I have been married to DH for 7years. Historically before we met they suffered with depression which was well managed. Last year they stopped antidepressants.

You think that the first they here was referring to the antidepressants?

The house is a tip- dishes from last night still piled in sink even though DS is at nursery all day. They spend most of day in bed, bed hasn't been made, then scroll through phone and watch tv all day.

You thought both her husband and toddler had been in bed despite OP clearly and unambiguously saying DS went to nursery all day?