To not want to give DC my mums name?

[MiddleNameDilema]

Have NC'd for this. If anyone knows me they could probably work it out but at this point I just need some guidance and can't ask anyone IRL!

I'm currently heavily pregnant with my first child, a girl.

I am one of 5 siblings. Of these, my mum has, altogether, no less than 7 granddaughters, my one being the 8th. None of my siblings have given any of their daughters my mums name as a middle name, and all have middle names.

The most recent granddaughter from my DSis was given two middle names - One of my sisters best friend and another of her husbands aunt who has passed away.

My mum made it very clear to me she was hurt by this and expressed shock and anger at the best friend name in particular. I think she said something to my Dsis or at least, knowing my mother, made a crestfallen face when she told her what the names were, as my Dsis said to me if she had another girl it would have to have Mum as a middle name. She has just given birth to her 2nd, but it was a boy.

So basically it has fallen to me. I'll be the last one and we are only having one.

I had kind of always assumed I would give any daughter I have my Dmums name as a middle name.

However, what I wasn't banking on was my best friend dying at 35 last year. It was the closest friendship I've ever had, I was there with her family when she died and I did a eulogy at her funeral. I miss her everyday and there is no question my daughter is having the strongest and most inspiring person I've ever known within her in some way.

My initial feelings was to have two middle names, my late friend and my DMum. But the more I've thought about it I just don't want it. I feel it waters down the impact of my friends name, they don't gel together as names, the first name we have picked out is already quite long, and to be honest I'm in a stage of low contact with my mother right now.

My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.

I love her dearly but I feel stuck that I am now expected to give my DD her name, when there have been 7 other opportunities to do so before me. Had my friend not died I would be more open but as I said the relationship has been crumbling for some years now. I sort of resent that it's come down to me.

I am certain she is expecting it and will be hurt if I don't.

To my AIBU - AIBU to not give me only child my mothers name as a middle name in these circumstances?
And if not, how do I go about telling her, if at all? My instinct says to give her a heads up, explaining about my friend and that we don't want two middle names, so she has time to come to terms with it before DD is born. Or just leave it as all my other siblings have done?

Help!

Thank you. I disagree with your thoughts on the name, but that's a good response should I need it!

Although again I can't help but think this will just validate her....Who knows.

Please, please don’t name your child after your mum. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll always regret it and wish you could change it after the fact. You have to love the name right from the beginning. It’s totally unreasonable of your mum to even hint at such a thing, and smacks of narcissism and self-importance.

Your DD will have to live with the name, and she’s her own person, not an extension of your mum. Your mum will have to get over herself and she’d get very short shrift from me if she dared to criticise. She’s your child - you choose the names you like best. No more discussion to be had, your mum should have no input into this whatsoever.

Narcissist - it’s all about them , never admit that they could be in the wrong,…ever …..
Call your baby what you want.
I gave one child the same name as one of my best friends

As it happened, she also died young (40)
So even though my dd wasn’t named ‘after’ her, I am so glad they share the name.

Thank you.

I've had bereavements before but nothing was like this. I find friendship grief so underrated.
There have been extended family deaths that didn't effect me half as much. I knew things about her even her mum and sister didn't, and vice versa, but you're not really given the same understanding as you would when it's a family member so it's even harder. I'm so sorry you've been through it too, how lovely that you chose their name.

Your mum has had her children and got to name them as she chose. This is your time to do the same, and if she isn’t happy about it that is not your responsibility for how she feels. The sooner you get boundaries in place the better, this is your life and you get to choose what behaviour your own children will see as the normal as they grow up. Don’t have to let the past revive itself if you want to parent your own children differently to how you were raised or treated. Stick to your guns and take this opportunity to be the mum you would have wanted to have growing up without any manipulation or guilt. Best of luck!

your idea to include you best friends name in your daughters name is lovely.

your mum chose yours and your siblings names & middle names, quite right too, her children.

the same is for you… your baby, you and your partner get to choose. I think (nicely) try and feel the perspective… it’s really not your problem how your mum deals with her self created issue.
youll regret it immensely if you bow down and give her, her wish over your own. Every document you fill out will be burdened with her name that you didn’t want.
do it for yourself and your daughter! Maybe chat with your sisters (without giving baby names out) get their perspective, it might help you.
announce your baby names when she’s here, you’ll be so in your love you’ll likely not pay much attention /gove much thought to how she does/doesn’t react xx

I’m so sorry about your friend. It’s totally up to you what you name your baby. Your mum’s named five babies, she’s had plenty of opportunities to chose the names she wants. Now it’s your turn, and you say it will be your only turn. So if every child has a middle name, she’s chosen 10 names and you will choose 2. I think I’d point that out to her when it comes to it.

Please don’t name your child after someone who’s not even nice to you just to placate them. Eventually your daughter will grow up and want to know about the history of her name. Either you’ve got to lie about your relationship with your mum, or you’ve got to tell your daughter the truth which means she’ll be stuck knowing she was named after someone who actually wasn’t very nice and it’s not even the name you wanted for her.

Sod what your mum thinks. Don’t tell her the names in advance, but if she tries to push about using her name I’d tell her very firmly that it’s not happening, and remind her how many baby names she’s already got to choose. I’d literally roll out the same response every time, “you’ve had five turns at picking names, this is my turn” and variations of that. Don’t try coming up with different arguments, that will encourage her to think of new counter arguments. Just keep firmly repeating the same thing every time she bring it up.

Both my Gran and my stepmum expected me to use my dad's name as my son's middle name. Both of them were disappointed.

My husband said that the entire point of giving a child a name is to mark them out as an individual so why give them a name that already belongs to someone else. This made sense to me so we never even discussed family names for our kids.

Name your daughter what you choose. Your mother had her turn with her own babies.
She'll get over it, and if she doesn't it will be her loss.

YABU. Giving your daughter an extra middle name doesn’t in any way water down the other name. I mean if she had 10 other names, then maybe. (And btw your daughter will obviously never meet this friend, and it won’t mean anything to her, unlike, her grandmother, who she will have a relationship with, and will have her name when she also dies).

I am so sorry for the enormous heartbreaking loss of your dearest friend.

Kindly meant.....but.....are you out of your mind evening considering risking burdening your only child with your toxic mothers name?

Do not do it. Stay away from her.
Be low contact. Mute her.

.......do not reward manipulation with a naming link to your precious child with ANY association to your mother.

Best of luck to you.

Please RTFT.

Side note - No need to point out my daughter will never meet my dead friend, I hadn't thought of that. 🙄

Thank you everyone else for your support, I'm feeling much stronger.

No don’t, this is your baby and your life. You will feel empowered eventually and she shouldn’t try and control:manipulate you. So sorry about your friend too, losing a friend is an awful grief and doesn’t get easier. Good luck ♥️

You are entitled to name your child by whichever name you decide. Your Mum does not have a God given right to have her granddaughter named after her (first or middle name). Your Mum is being very unreasonable to expect any of her children to name their children after her. She can feel upset/hurt, but your not responsible for her feelings or reactions - she is. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty either. I don't like my Mum's name (first or middle), so there was no way I'd have named a daughter after her. I dislike my Dad's first name too, but did give my son, my Dad's middle name as one of his middle names.

@MiddleNameDilema

What an awful mother she is. Why would anybody want to call their child after such a poor excuse for a parent?

I am so sorry you lost your dear friend. I lost my best friend to cancer 10 years ago and I still miss her.

Your friend was taken far too soon at 35. But she will always live on in your heart and your memories . No one can ever take that from you. She must have been very special for you to want to name your daughter after her.

Ignore your mother's huffing and puffing. Cherish your friend's memory and her name, and your little girl when she finally arrives.

I was given the name of a close friend of my parents who had died before I was born.... but they liked the name and didn't bang on about me being "called after" her.... it was something I only discovered when I was a teenager.
I have my mum's name as a middle name. DH has his Dad's name as a middle name so we actually gave DS1 OH's name as a middle name..... but I have never heard of an "obligation" or tradition to re-use one's own mother or father's name.... (at least not outside the Danish Royal Family where the Crown Princes are called Christian / Frederik / Christian / Frederik﹚.... we didn't re-use any of our parents' names although if we'd had a daughter we might have been tempted by the grandmothers' names because we liked them.... and that's what it comes down to. You choose names because you like them - either per se or for sentimental reasons, and no one other than the parents is entitled to have any expectations whatsoever about a child's given names.
Don't give your mother the headspace! She'll get over it.

I voted YABU, because my middle name is after my mums friend who died. I dislike the name and growing up found it a bit morbid.

Now I’ve had my own kids I do get it, and my LO has a grandparents name as middle name. But I really think you just need to choose a nice name that works well with the rest of the name.

I gave one of my daughters my mums middle name and really regret it. She was always difficult and I knew she would be angry if we didn’t give my daughter her name as a middle name as we’d given my MIL’s name as my eldest daughters middle name. My mum’s behaviour just got worse and as my kids grew I realised just how abusive my childhood had been as I’d never treat my kids that way. We are now NC and my daughter feels uncomfortable having her name (even though I don’t mention my mums behaviour to her). Don’t do it!

In your shoes, I would just let her be disappointed. You are under absolutely no obligation to name your child after her and it doesn't sound like you much want to. You are not responsible for her feelings, they are hers to manage. It's actually kind of crazy entitled that she would expect it?

I would 100% say nothing, and then announce the name of the child after the birth. You really do not need to apologise, reason, explain.

Consider doing a bit of reading about how to manage toxic parents, she sounds very difficult.

I'm really sorry about your lovely friend.

Yes let her be disappointed

it’s controlling behaviour

I had an emergency C-section with my eldest. When I was allowed visitors the next day I was quite tearful, vulnerable and not feeling 100% and in comes my mum requesting I gave my son my maiden name as his middle name or double barrel it with my married surname. This was because my dad had two daughters and was the only son on his side, my maiden name goes when he does basically. I said no, I don’t like double barrel surnames, my kids are named the same as their dad and myself and I’d already given my dads name as my sons middle name. This wasn’t good enough as she purred it whilst stroking my son knowing I couldn’t run her out of the place. She kept asking when she knew my DH was chatting to other relatives. Very manipulative and taking advantage of me when I was at my worst. We aren’t very close and I told her that her behaviour was unforgivable and ratted her out to everyone on both sides. We also decided not to christen our children which caused WW3. Narcissistic behaviour, keep at arms length. Please keep strong and avoid at all costs. It never stops.

One of my DC has two first names (no hyphen) and no middle name....which solves this problem! It's two separate first names and we just use one or the other or both. Can then say you've decided not to have a middle name!

How awful that you have lost your lovely friend, I'm so very sorry. 😔
Of the 5 children your mum had - did she give any of you her name?
Please please give your child the names you want - remember that every time you look at your child or use their name it needs to be a name you like! I agree that I would keep the name until baby has arrived as less chance of giving people the chance to apply pressure and get under your skin and change your mind. I wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy.

Will she let it go if you tell her now or will she try and get your sisters to get you to change your mind? I think you should wait and let it be a surprise.

OP you are looking at this the wrong way.

You are about to have a baby, this is the most excellent opportunity for some parenting practice.

One of the most important parenting rules is that you never ever give into tantrums.

Your Mum can have as big a tantrum as she likes, practice not giving in.

After all, tantrums are unpleasant but what power does she actually have?

The child she has the best relationship with is about to have a baby, if she falls out with you where does that leave her?

Badly behaved people only have power if you give it to them.

Let her rant and rave. Shrug your shoulders at her and she’ll get over it quicker.

I am so very sorry about your lovely friend.