To not want to give DC my mums name?

[MiddleNameDilema]

Have NC'd for this. If anyone knows me they could probably work it out but at this point I just need some guidance and can't ask anyone IRL!

I'm currently heavily pregnant with my first child, a girl.

I am one of 5 siblings. Of these, my mum has, altogether, no less than 7 granddaughters, my one being the 8th. None of my siblings have given any of their daughters my mums name as a middle name, and all have middle names.

The most recent granddaughter from my DSis was given two middle names - One of my sisters best friend and another of her husbands aunt who has passed away.

My mum made it very clear to me she was hurt by this and expressed shock and anger at the best friend name in particular. I think she said something to my Dsis or at least, knowing my mother, made a crestfallen face when she told her what the names were, as my Dsis said to me if she had another girl it would have to have Mum as a middle name. She has just given birth to her 2nd, but it was a boy.

So basically it has fallen to me. I'll be the last one and we are only having one.

I had kind of always assumed I would give any daughter I have my Dmums name as a middle name.

However, what I wasn't banking on was my best friend dying at 35 last year. It was the closest friendship I've ever had, I was there with her family when she died and I did a eulogy at her funeral. I miss her everyday and there is no question my daughter is having the strongest and most inspiring person I've ever known within her in some way.

My initial feelings was to have two middle names, my late friend and my DMum. But the more I've thought about it I just don't want it. I feel it waters down the impact of my friends name, they don't gel together as names, the first name we have picked out is already quite long, and to be honest I'm in a stage of low contact with my mother right now.

My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.

I love her dearly but I feel stuck that I am now expected to give my DD her name, when there have been 7 other opportunities to do so before me. Had my friend not died I would be more open but as I said the relationship has been crumbling for some years now. I sort of resent that it's come down to me.

I am certain she is expecting it and will be hurt if I don't.

To my AIBU - AIBU to not give me only child my mothers name as a middle name in these circumstances?
And if not, how do I go about telling her, if at all? My instinct says to give her a heads up, explaining about my friend and that we don't want two middle names, so she has time to come to terms with it before DD is born. Or just leave it as all my other siblings have done?

Help!

This ^

If you consider caving to someone's unreasonable wishes like naming someone else's kid because they make a hurt face, research fear, obligation, and guilt, aka FOG.

She got to name her kids. It doesn't matter if she named one after her mom. You name yours.

No she didn't but they weren't close at all.
But then to be honest, at the moment in particular, neither are we.

My other siblings have got it right and have a more distant but friendly relationship with her. I feel much more enmeshed.
She is mid 70's so if they knew I was low contact and feeling this way I've no doubt 'We don't know how long she has left' would come out.
But thinning about it, that works both ways doesn't it?
She could also use this time (albeit could realistically be 20 years!) to reflect and adapt her behaviour and how much she hurts me. Life is short to retract from your mother, but it's also too short to spend worrying what she'll kick off to next and wait for an apology that will never come.

I don’t know why your mum assumes that at least one of her grandchildren should have her surname.
Just name your DC whatever you and your DP agree upon.
Your sisters managed to get past the crestfallen look and so will you. If your mum makes a comment either ignore it or cut it dead by saying “don’t be silly, why would you expect that? I don’t expect DD to name any of her children after me”.

Personally I don’t like children being burdened with other people’s names

Neither did I until my best friend died. It's an honour, not a burden.

Thank you.

I'm not sure she assumes to be fair, just finds it very very sad that not one has, when they have their partners family etc. I wonder if my siblings were honest if a part of that is for the same reasons as me - That actually we all have a complex relationship with her.

I'm still in two minds about whether to tell her before or after. I can see pros and cons to both.

just finds it very very sad that not one has, when they have their partners family etc

I can sort of understand this.
It seems like the male half of each family has been included in the name (I presume by the child having the same surname as the father) but there is nothing from the mother’s side.

So perhaps it’s not that she wants a GC named after her but some representation of her/your side of the family, if the child will be having the surname from sons-in-law?

I would probably feel a similar way if I had daughters and all the GC had names from their fathers - more for feminist reasons rather than about me/my family.

If your DM were a caring mother she would understand how much your late friend meant to you and why you want to DD to have her name. As she doesn’t seem to be, I suggest you ignore her and go for what you want! I second the idea of a post-birth message just giving the names with a photo.
All the best for the delivery and enjoy your wonderful baby!

That would make sense except for the fact one sister kept her (mums) surname for the kids, and another chose her own friends name.

Oh and 4 girls have mums surname as they are my brothers.

In that case I take it back and revert to my original post

Thank you.

You've reminded me that when I cried last year (first time I ever had in front of her about it) because I spoke about my friend and how amazing the macmillan nurses had been, she went completely cold and asked me to stop because I was 'upsetting her'.

I haven't talked about her since.

Find strength in this memory to stick to your guns and as a reminder as to why you would not want your daughter to have her name.

Thank you.

Another vote for not mentioning it beforehand. When your baby arrives, introduce her and move onto another subject and don't even engage with any facial expressions or comments she makes. It will honestly just feed into her victim mentality "This is Alice May Jones! We're so happy shes finally here but so tired! Thank you for the lovely gift/card/flowers. How was your trip here?". Style it out as best you can but I wouldn't give it any space in your brain whatsoever.

"No she didn't but they weren't close at all."

So she didn't name any kids after her mom but expects you to.

That's hilarious. Once your child is out and named, just laugh at her if she says anything about that and remind her of her own actions.

You might want to disentangle from that enmeshment and you have the perfect opportunity now. You're having a baby and you're busy. Space out the calls and visit more and more. If anyone says anything, you are really busy adjusting to being a new mom.

So sorry about your friend. I think it's a lovely idea to use her name.

Definitely present it as a fait acompli. We made this mistake with DD as she had my grandmother's and DH's grandmother's names as middle names. MIL was a bit aggrieved we didn't use her mothers name but a baby can only have one or two middle names (unless you are minor royalty) and we liked these ones the best. I think if we'd just have said these are her names she'd never have commented on it.

I'd never use my Mum's name or MILs as they are very 50s/60s and out of fashion! I think in some cultures you only use names to honour the dead anyway. Most importantly its your baby!

It’s quite sad that in 2025 there is still the assumption that a) women change their names when they marry and b) that children get their father’s surname by default.

I know that’s what happens in the majority of scenarios, but if we don’t question it, it will continue to happen.

DH and I kept our own names and DD has both of them (one as her surname and the other as a second middle name - would have been too many syllables if double-barrelled).

None of my siblings would do that. We very much acquiesce to her and treat her with kid gloves so as not to upset her.

But these same siblings didn't name any of their children are her? So, why should you?!

Do not discuss names beforehand. Do not get drawn into a convo about it with anyone in your family.

then after the birth present your new child in the usual way with name / weight etc
all done and dusted. Nothing to discuss.

eg we are delighted to announce the safe arrival of our beloved daughter Marguerite Francesca Smith. Born at St Thomas’s on 14 August 2025 at 2113, weighing 2.8kgs.

mum and baby are doing well and due home tomorrow.

done deal!

And do not enable any further discussion about names with your family.

good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Just to clarify, I am not saying that is what should happen. I have assumed that is what happened because (as per your second paragraph) that is what many do. Also there was something in PP’s post that made me think that.
I have kept my own surname and many women that I know who are of my generation have also kept their name (although not my family members - I think I maybe the only one).

I'd keep with the low contact because this isn't normal behaviour.

You don’t want to give your DD your mums name. Your mum wanted one of her grandchildren to have her name, but all your siblings ignored this request. This doesn’t put an obligation on you, rather it removes it as all have done the same.

just announce with just your friends name as middle name. Don’t feel guilty, if anyone should it’s the sibling who had the first girl, they were the one to do it. As they didn’t, it’s not a thing in your family.

Never heard of anyone insisting their own name be used for a child. You must always do what makes you happy. You’ll be reminded every time you fill out your dd’s form etc.