To not want to give DC my mums name?

[MiddleNameDilema]

Have NC'd for this. If anyone knows me they could probably work it out but at this point I just need some guidance and can't ask anyone IRL!

I'm currently heavily pregnant with my first child, a girl.

I am one of 5 siblings. Of these, my mum has, altogether, no less than 7 granddaughters, my one being the 8th. None of my siblings have given any of their daughters my mums name as a middle name, and all have middle names.

The most recent granddaughter from my DSis was given two middle names - One of my sisters best friend and another of her husbands aunt who has passed away.

My mum made it very clear to me she was hurt by this and expressed shock and anger at the best friend name in particular. I think she said something to my Dsis or at least, knowing my mother, made a crestfallen face when she told her what the names were, as my Dsis said to me if she had another girl it would have to have Mum as a middle name. She has just given birth to her 2nd, but it was a boy.

So basically it has fallen to me. I'll be the last one and we are only having one.

I had kind of always assumed I would give any daughter I have my Dmums name as a middle name.

However, what I wasn't banking on was my best friend dying at 35 last year. It was the closest friendship I've ever had, I was there with her family when she died and I did a eulogy at her funeral. I miss her everyday and there is no question my daughter is having the strongest and most inspiring person I've ever known within her in some way.

My initial feelings was to have two middle names, my late friend and my DMum. But the more I've thought about it I just don't want it. I feel it waters down the impact of my friends name, they don't gel together as names, the first name we have picked out is already quite long, and to be honest I'm in a stage of low contact with my mother right now.

My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.

I love her dearly but I feel stuck that I am now expected to give my DD her name, when there have been 7 other opportunities to do so before me. Had my friend not died I would be more open but as I said the relationship has been crumbling for some years now. I sort of resent that it's come down to me.

I am certain she is expecting it and will be hurt if I don't.

To my AIBU - AIBU to not give me only child my mothers name as a middle name in these circumstances?
And if not, how do I go about telling her, if at all? My instinct says to give her a heads up, explaining about my friend and that we don't want two middle names, so she has time to come to terms with it before DD is born. Or just leave it as all my other siblings have done?

Help!

Does you mum have a middle name that might works better? We have a few family 'names' that run through various generations (and across different family branches) - my grandmother's middle name, my mum's middle name, my dh's middle name.

I wouldn't warn her and would just present your DD's full name after the birth. If you do it in advance it will be seen as open to negotiation.

It might not be to your DD. Sorry to be harsh, but your child has no connection to your friend so this is really about your feelings.

I can see why this would be hurtful to your DM. You might not care about that but you shouldn’t be surprised.

My preferred option would be to choose names you just like and leave the tribute bit out of it. But if you really want to “honour” someone, don’t choose your dead friend over your living DM.

But if you really want to “honour” someone, don’t choose your dead friend over your living DM

But why? A mother doesn’t trump a friend, living or dead, just because you share half your DNA with them. There is so much more to being a mother/a parent than that, obviously, and only OP can decide that.

It’s not about sharing DNA, but about the child having a connection with the owner of their name, of being part of the tribute. The child will never know the friend but is being used as a memorial to her.

The OP could plant a tree to honour her friend, it would be a thing of beauty, would give pleasure to many for generations and be a lovely way to remember her.

Definitely do not give her your mum's name. Don't entertain it. Of she mentions it, just say no.

No kid should be lumbered with a name of a dead friend or relative. I think that puts a weird pressure on them. I was named after my great grandmother and it was constantly referred to. I didn't know them so it was meaningless and drove me mad.
Just call your child what you want to, your other siblings haven't given into your mum why should you ?

Your mum and all your siblings got to pick their own children's names.

You get to pick your child's name.

It’s not about sharing DNA, but about the child having a connection with the owner of their name, of being part of the tribute

This makes no sense. The child doesn’t need a connection with the owner of the name - nobody can predict how long the owner of the name will live for after the child is born nor what sort of relationship the two of them may have. At least you know that it is very unlikely the dead relative/friend is going to screw over the recipient of the name at some point int he future.
They can just as easily plant a tree in tribute of the grandmother.
So, again, the grandmother doesn’t necessarily trump the friend whether either one be living or not.

A name should be given with positive feelings associated with it - whether it be simply because the parents think it is beautiful or they have happy memories associated with it.

If her daughter ever asks, OP can simply say that the name belonged to a friend that meant a great deal to her just like DD means to OP now. That’s it - no need to overthink it with connections with the living and the burden of the dead.
It’s not like a newborn ever had a say in their name anyway.

I adore my mum so named my daughter after her. Your daughter will be forming a close bond with hwr grandmother and will have an affinity with her - not your friend.

Read the room. This is a mother that is probably going to end up going NC with the grandmother!

Given your relationship with your Mother, I think you'd really regret naming your dd after someone who wouldn't be a positive influence in her life.

My Mother put pressure on me and I'm so pleased I stood firm. I am now NC with mine and it's brought me nothing but peace and joy.

Bit harsh.
My mum is infamous for being an almost completely hands of grandparent.
It's so bad that, when she didn't get the latest granddaughter a birthday present, my DSis bought her one 'from grandma' for her to open so she didn't know she didn't get her one. She will not be providing any childcare nor has she ever for any of her grandchildren, which is fine and her perogative.

I can tell you hand on heart had my friend not died an incredibly premature death she would be more involved in my DD's life than my own mother. But she can't. So this is my way of acknowledgement and I'd like it if you stop comparing my very much alive but absent mum with my dead friend.

@hoodiemassive - Thank you, I agree. She might be happy for 2 minutes after she initially finds out, but that will pass and meanwhile I've lumbered DD with two names when I only ever wanted one.

• hands off

To play devil's advocate here.

If you call your daughter Isabel Sophie and tell your mum her name is Isabel Susan, is she ever likely to find out the truth?

My mum tried this. Her name is almost as bad as her parenting so absolutely no way would any of us gave our daughters her name!
My dd is everything that my mum isn’t.

I’m a grandmother and it didn’t even cross my mind that my dc would use my name. All dgc have gorgeous names.

Do not name your lovely baby after your mother. Quite frankly your mother does not sound very nice. She sounds self obsessed and the kind that makes you feel guilty about everything. I have a similar mother. Why should you walk on eggshells around somebody. I can’t think of anyone worse to name your baby after in your case.

Please name her after your lovely friend so the associations are positive and full of love. Don’t name your baby after someone out of guilt. No way.

have a look at the stately home thread here. I don’t know if you realise how toxic your mother‘s behaviour is. You have got used to it over the years and are constantly trying to please her to no avail . It needs to stop, with therapy if needed.

Why would she want to honour her very difficult mum over her best friend that she adored? From OP's description of her mum, she doesn't seem to deserve that honour.

'My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.'

I mean, I guess I could, but I'd constantly be worried she'd find out 😂

My DIL used the name of her best friend who tragically died as the middle name for my grandaughter. I think it was a lovely thing to do.

You should go ahead and use your friend's name with no qualms or guilt. She sounds like she was an amazing person. Your mum, not so much.

My son's middle name is after a relative i loved dearly, who was like a second father to me and every time I see my son's full name written down, it brings back lovely memories.

Why would you name your child after someone who you are low contact with and who is frequently not very nice to you? I cannot get my head around that.

So what if she gossips about you to your siblings? Clearly none of them like her either.

Kindly, you care too much about what some nasty people think about you.

Or you could say her name is Isabel Sophie Susan Jones but then claim that your partner went to register the birth and accidentally forgot the Susan (so the Susan part isn't on the birth certificate) if she ever catches on later.

Thank you.
I definitely do care too much, certainly on what reaction she will have.
She caused an absolute SCENE last week in the family chat for absolutely no reason. It was horrible because then 2 of my siblings massively backtracked and acquiesced again. She will never change or apologise.
Interestingly 2 of my siblings have told me when they became parents they made a conscious promise to themselves to always apologise to their children should it be needed, precisely because ours never has.
She threw a mug at me when I was about 15 and when I asked her to apologise she said I shouldn't have 'moved out the way'. 😂😂 When I was 16 she looked down at my stomach, raised her eyebrows and said 'Breathe in'. I burst into tears and tbf she did come to hug me, but then got angry at me because I shrugged her off, in absolute pieces. I struggled with an ED in my late teens early 20's, and this certainly won't have helped.

I think she thought because she said she loved us a lot and we were hugged it made up for it all, and of course it helped, but looking back I think I definitely at least was a substitute partner a lot and she had no emotional regulation so would use me to soothe herself with hugs etc.
We get a lot of 'That never happened' if we ever raise a childhood story (always in a funny/oh what fun we had way, so she doesn't go cold/angry again)

I could go on but there's not much point.

I've made my mind up.

I am so sorry about your friend OP.

It’s a very personal decision and I am glad that no one on our family ever names children after other relatives. I think children deserve to be named for their own selves, with a name chosen by their parents because they like it.

Children are not memorial benches with a plaque.

So my personal choice would not be to use your friend’s name either, and I wonder how a child would feel, bearing the name of a person who died?

But you clearly feel this is important to you. If your Mum kicks off (or do much as purses her loos) maybe say “but mum you’re still alive! I’m hardly like to name Baby after you as a memorial! Baby will get to know you, love you, that is how my baby will honour and in due course remember you!”