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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give DC my mums name?

118 replies

MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:30

Have NC'd for this. If anyone knows me they could probably work it out but at this point I just need some guidance and can't ask anyone IRL!

I'm currently heavily pregnant with my first child, a girl.

I am one of 5 siblings. Of these, my mum has, altogether, no less than 7 granddaughters, my one being the 8th. None of my siblings have given any of their daughters my mums name as a middle name, and all have middle names.

The most recent granddaughter from my DSis was given two middle names - One of my sisters best friend and another of her husbands aunt who has passed away.

My mum made it very clear to me she was hurt by this and expressed shock and anger at the best friend name in particular. I think she said something to my Dsis or at least, knowing my mother, made a crestfallen face when she told her what the names were, as my Dsis said to me if she had another girl it would have to have Mum as a middle name. She has just given birth to her 2nd, but it was a boy.

So basically it has fallen to me. I'll be the last one and we are only having one.

I had kind of always assumed I would give any daughter I have my Dmums name as a middle name.

However, what I wasn't banking on was my best friend dying at 35 last year. It was the closest friendship I've ever had, I was there with her family when she died and I did a eulogy at her funeral. I miss her everyday and there is no question my daughter is having the strongest and most inspiring person I've ever known within her in some way.

My initial feelings was to have two middle names, my late friend and my DMum. But the more I've thought about it I just don't want it. I feel it waters down the impact of my friends name, they don't gel together as names, the first name we have picked out is already quite long, and to be honest I'm in a stage of low contact with my mother right now.

My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.

I love her dearly but I feel stuck that I am now expected to give my DD her name, when there have been 7 other opportunities to do so before me. Had my friend not died I would be more open but as I said the relationship has been crumbling for some years now. I sort of resent that it's come down to me.

I am certain she is expecting it and will be hurt if I don't.

To my AIBU - AIBU to not give me only child my mothers name as a middle name in these circumstances?
And if not, how do I go about telling her, if at all? My instinct says to give her a heads up, explaining about my friend and that we don't want two middle names, so she has time to come to terms with it before DD is born. Or just leave it as all my other siblings have done?

Help!

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 18/08/2025 14:34

Peak narcissist of your mum to expect someone to give their child her name as a middle name and then be petulant when it doesn't happen. So she is being unreasonable.

But - I think you are overthinking this, and giving it too much headspace when you should be thinking about yourself and your baby.

I find with names, it's best to announce once the baby is here, as people tend to offer less opinions then - and, have a baby to focus on.

EmmaOvary · 18/08/2025 14:39

You are under absolutely no obligation to name your child after your mum, no matter how many daughters you have. Just choose what you like the most and what means the most to you.

Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:39

MidnightPatrol · 18/08/2025 14:34

Peak narcissist of your mum to expect someone to give their child her name as a middle name and then be petulant when it doesn't happen. So she is being unreasonable.

But - I think you are overthinking this, and giving it too much headspace when you should be thinking about yourself and your baby.

I find with names, it's best to announce once the baby is here, as people tend to offer less opinions then - and, have a baby to focus on.

Thank you.

Yes you're probably right I am giving it too much headspace, certainly it seems none of my other siblings did.

I just can't deal with the inevitable crestfallen face/fake 'no no I understand', before she says things to my DSis etc. A part of me wants to prepare her and get it out the way.

OP posts:
Jojimoji · 18/08/2025 14:40

I'm so sorry about your friend and I think it's a lovely idea that your DD will have her name.

Tbh, I can't relate to your mother's expectations that a grandchild will carry her name. I'd hate any GC to be saddled with mine😅 and to be honest naming kids the same as parents or GP is just not something I understand anyway.

But, your DM is expecting it and you are already worrying about it, so I think you should bite the bullet, tell her as soon as possible, get her reaction over and done with and continue to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Is there a DP or a sibling who could be there when you tell her? And help you out by enthusing over your chosen name?

NaranjaDreams · 18/08/2025 14:41

So basically it has fallen to me. I'll be the last one and we are only having one.

No it doesn't. Honestly, you're overthinking this. It's not common to give your child your mum's name at all; I don't know anyone who has done this. She may be expecting it, but she'll deal with it.

Telling her ahead of time makes it a bigger deal.

Announce the babies name when baby arrives. If your mum does feel any disappointment, hopefully she'll be clever enough to not voice that to you - but if she does, just say the babies name is fully decided. It's very likely she'll be too caught up in the baby being there to care, but if she's not, it's her thing to deal with. It's an unrealistic and unfair expectation to hold.

And if she's done some hurtful and toxic things to you, that further reinforces why you shouldn't name your daughter after her.

outerspacepotato · 18/08/2025 14:43

Name your kid what you want.

Let your mom have a fit. What's she going to do, never see any of you again? If that's true, she's petty and toxic and not someone you want interfering in your life kicking off at the least little thing.

FruitFlyPie · 18/08/2025 14:44

I just can't deal with the inevitable crestfallen face/fake 'no no I understand', before she says things to my DSis etc.

Does it matter if she says it's fine then later complains or expresses disappointment to your sister? That's hardly that bad.

Ncforthiscms · 18/08/2025 14:44

Name the baby what you want.
Don't tell anyone beforehand and people are kinder.

mamagogo1 · 18/08/2025 14:45

Have you actually told her or your siblings that you wanted to years ago? As in did they avoid the name because you were planning on using it? Have you ever said anything about using it to your mum? If no to both of these just name your dd whatever you want. IF you have told her that you would use it, or have indicated to your siblings that you had bagged the name then it’s complicated and I’d definitely opt for two middle names tj keep the peace

Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:46

Jojimoji · 18/08/2025 14:40

I'm so sorry about your friend and I think it's a lovely idea that your DD will have her name.

Tbh, I can't relate to your mother's expectations that a grandchild will carry her name. I'd hate any GC to be saddled with mine😅 and to be honest naming kids the same as parents or GP is just not something I understand anyway.

But, your DM is expecting it and you are already worrying about it, so I think you should bite the bullet, tell her as soon as possible, get her reaction over and done with and continue to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Is there a DP or a sibling who could be there when you tell her? And help you out by enthusing over your chosen name?

Thank you so much.

None of my siblings would do that. We very much acquiesce to her and treat her with kid gloves so as not to upset her. Personally I'm now finding this just enables and encourages her but that's perhaps another thread!

She was, frankly, awful to me last week and I tried to put a boundary in place which didn't go down well, so I don't want to say anything too soon as it'll seem like the only reason I'm not doing it is because of that falling out, which isn't the case at all and I've thought on it for a long time now, but she won't see it that way.

OP posts:
UrbanFan · 18/08/2025 14:47

Just call your child whatever you like. It does not matter what anyone else says.

Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:47

mamagogo1 · 18/08/2025 14:45

Have you actually told her or your siblings that you wanted to years ago? As in did they avoid the name because you were planning on using it? Have you ever said anything about using it to your mum? If no to both of these just name your dd whatever you want. IF you have told her that you would use it, or have indicated to your siblings that you had bagged the name then it’s complicated and I’d definitely opt for two middle names tj keep the peace

That's a really good point but nope, never told anyone, and the only reason the latest hasn't got her name is because he was a boy.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 18/08/2025 14:48

Don't say anything. Picture to the group chat after birth welcoming baby Name Friends Name Surname. Both doing well and can't wait to meet everyone.

She can moan if she wants but you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:49

FruitFlyPie · 18/08/2025 14:44

I just can't deal with the inevitable crestfallen face/fake 'no no I understand', before she says things to my DSis etc.

Does it matter if she says it's fine then later complains or expresses disappointment to your sister? That's hardly that bad.

True, and my DSis hasn't got a leg to stand on anyway 😂

OP posts:
surprisebaby12 · 18/08/2025 14:49

It’s not your job to manage your mother’s feelings, or to live out her dreams for her. If she wanted a child to have her name, she had the chance when she had her own children. I would pre-empt it by saying something like “I know you would love to have your name handed down but we’ve decided not to use any family names for our baby. I know this will be disappointing but I’d ask you please keep those feelings to yourself as we want to celebrate this exciting time in our lives “

Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:53

surprisebaby12 · 18/08/2025 14:49

It’s not your job to manage your mother’s feelings, or to live out her dreams for her. If she wanted a child to have her name, she had the chance when she had her own children. I would pre-empt it by saying something like “I know you would love to have your name handed down but we’ve decided not to use any family names for our baby. I know this will be disappointing but I’d ask you please keep those feelings to yourself as we want to celebrate this exciting time in our lives “

Thank you.

I think a message would be good, to have her at least try and reel herself in before. I don't want the first time she meets her to also be the time she finds out. She can have quite a victim mindset.

OP posts:
AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 18/08/2025 14:53

I have 2 middle names. My sister has 3. All are tributes to others.

DH is one of 4 brothers. His dad has the “family name” (but is known by his middle name, as did his grandad and his dad and his dad and so on.

When we were expecting DD I was relieved that the obsession the boys had about who would use the name wouldn’t apply. I was determined DD wasn’t being named after anyone and thought it was ridiculous. DH said I just didn’t understand the significance of the name. I pointed out that his parents had 4 sons, all of whom have a first and a middle name, and didn’t give it to any one of them. It was therefore a broken tradition and utterly ridiculous to compete to be able to use it. 😂

Short answer - call your child what you like. It’s not your mother’s decision to make in any way.

martinisforeveryone · 18/08/2025 14:54

Don't discuss names with anyone, wait until your daughter's here and when people ask her name just say her first name.

To be honest the only time anyone's interested in middle names is when the baby arrives and there's no need to show anyone her birth certificate either.

Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:56

martinisforeveryone · 18/08/2025 14:54

Don't discuss names with anyone, wait until your daughter's here and when people ask her name just say her first name.

To be honest the only time anyone's interested in middle names is when the baby arrives and there's no need to show anyone her birth certificate either.

Oh yes I know, middle names are so rarely even mentioned after the first few weeks of a baby being born.
But, knowing my mum as I do, there will be comments unless I nip it now.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 18/08/2025 14:59

I was delighted to give my dd my mums name as a middle name. However it was never something my mum hinted at and she was surprised. I would not have done it if she were complaining about my sisters name choices or pressuring me.

You have an even better reason in that you want to use friends name so absolutely do that. All your other siblings have not named after your mum, she will get over it when you dont either.

cranberryshortcake · 18/08/2025 14:59

You don’t have to give your daughter any name other than what you want to give her.

Your relationship with your mum is probably a bit toxic if you feel expected to do so.

You should give your daughter the name you want and not feel the least bit of guilt whatsoever.

Bloatstoat · 18/08/2025 15:01

She sounds a lot like my late MIL, in which case my best advice is no what YOU and the baby's father want with the name, as nothing you do will ever be enough anyway - if you give the baby your mother's name as a middle name, she will be offended it's not the first name; if you give the baby her name as a first name, she will barely acknowledge it as she is so busy being offended by the fact only one of her granddaughters is named after her. If it's not names, it will be something else. It sounds like there are good reasons you are low contact, as PP have suggested just announce the names when the baby is here, and when she kicks off, just remind yourself if it wasn't this, it would be something else.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Flowers Giving the baby her name as a middle name is a lovely tribute.

(Edited for typos)

martinisforeveryone · 18/08/2025 15:02

@MiddleNameDilema you know her best.

I was just thinking save yourself any drama and upset while you're pregnant and let your little girl take all the attention after the birth.

Using other people's names for babies isn't a thing in our family, I don't even have a middle name, so I suppose it's easier for me to brush off reactions. My own DC said no family names and we all respected that as their choice.

SparklyGlitterballs · 18/08/2025 15:02

I too would state (after the birth) that you decided as a couple not to use family names. The reason being you wanted DDs first name to be unique to her, and for the middle name, with there being two grandmas, you felt it would be unfair to honour one and not the other (and you had a strict preference for only one middle name). Acknowledge any disappointment she shows, but remind her the name was a decision for you and your DH alone, and you will not be made to feel guilty for your choices.

Out of interest, did she give her DMs name for you or any of your siblings?

Thisismyalterego · 18/08/2025 15:04

Your mum sounds a bit like mine, needing to be treated with kid gloves for fear of upsetting her, having expectations about things that, frankly, are not her decision. If I had had twelve days, none of them would have been given her name. As it happens, I had boys so then she started banging on about using my step dads name.
Name your child the names you want. Your mum will have to live with your decision.