To not want to give DC my mums name?

[MiddleNameDilema]

Have NC'd for this. If anyone knows me they could probably work it out but at this point I just need some guidance and can't ask anyone IRL!

I'm currently heavily pregnant with my first child, a girl.

I am one of 5 siblings. Of these, my mum has, altogether, no less than 7 granddaughters, my one being the 8th. None of my siblings have given any of their daughters my mums name as a middle name, and all have middle names.

The most recent granddaughter from my DSis was given two middle names - One of my sisters best friend and another of her husbands aunt who has passed away.

My mum made it very clear to me she was hurt by this and expressed shock and anger at the best friend name in particular. I think she said something to my Dsis or at least, knowing my mother, made a crestfallen face when she told her what the names were, as my Dsis said to me if she had another girl it would have to have Mum as a middle name. She has just given birth to her 2nd, but it was a boy.

So basically it has fallen to me. I'll be the last one and we are only having one.

I had kind of always assumed I would give any daughter I have my Dmums name as a middle name.

However, what I wasn't banking on was my best friend dying at 35 last year. It was the closest friendship I've ever had, I was there with her family when she died and I did a eulogy at her funeral. I miss her everyday and there is no question my daughter is having the strongest and most inspiring person I've ever known within her in some way.

My initial feelings was to have two middle names, my late friend and my DMum. But the more I've thought about it I just don't want it. I feel it waters down the impact of my friends name, they don't gel together as names, the first name we have picked out is already quite long, and to be honest I'm in a stage of low contact with my mother right now.

My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.

I love her dearly but I feel stuck that I am now expected to give my DD her name, when there have been 7 other opportunities to do so before me. Had my friend not died I would be more open but as I said the relationship has been crumbling for some years now. I sort of resent that it's come down to me.

I am certain she is expecting it and will be hurt if I don't.

To my AIBU - AIBU to not give me only child my mothers name as a middle name in these circumstances?
And if not, how do I go about telling her, if at all? My instinct says to give her a heads up, explaining about my friend and that we don't want two middle names, so she has time to come to terms with it before DD is born. Or just leave it as all my other siblings have done?

Help!

I've never known any parent on insisting on their name being used.

Say that as the youngest of five you didn't want to offend the other siblings by taking it.

Then explain about your friend.

Just name your daughter after your friend . You will regret it if you don’t especially if your relationship with your mother continues to decline. Her crestfallen face will last moments , your daughters name is forever

Did she give any of her daughters her own name ? If she did isn’t that enough ? If she didn’t why not ? And why should you ? My mil wanted us to us her grandmother’s name - Charlotte - but never used it on her own daughter ( my sil) . She totally sulked when neither of our daughters was given that name. I just didn’t like it. But she got over it - or didn’t - not my problem.

@MiddleNameDilema my eldest child has my friend’s name as her middle name. My friend died when she was young. My daughter has always loved being named after her and has heard all about her. It’s a lovely way to honour a friend, in my opinion.

A Jewish friend told me that in her religion, you never name a child in honour of a living person but to remember a recently deceased one. Honour your late friend, as you wish to do. It's a lovely gesture.

To be fair, she isn't insisting a such, more making comments to me and thinly veiled reactions. So, indirect pressure I suppose rather than insistence.

Thank you all.

I'm not going to tell her before DD is here. I was going to get DP to tell her when I go into labour etc but think it will add more pressure etc (I had to send her a very sensitive and difficult message last month after she kept making comments about me 'not being able to handle labour' and 'ohh she's going to be an absolute nightmare haha' which were really worrying me.

I do want my DSis to know but suppose I'll have to ask her not to tell mum. That won't go down well.

A photo and message on the family chat when we choose, with the name, and it's done.

Yo must do what you want, but a second middle name does not dilute the impact of the first. Rightly or wrongly, I suspect if you do give her your Mum’s name, she will be her favourite grandchild and will be doted on far more than if she isn’t. In your shoes, I’d add it alongside your friend’s name simply to please her.

Is there any reason why you need to announce the middle name?

Just post a photo on the group chat along the lines of, "Isabel was born this morning at 5:17am weighing 7lbs 3oz, we are both doing well."

Give your family as little information as possible.

Then go and register her with whatever middle name you like.

Literally no need for anyone to know her middle name unless they specifically ask.

I'm sorry about your friend OP. I think it's lovely to give your daughter her name.

No chance I would be pressured into using my mother's name if I didn't want to. You get to choose what you call your children, not her. I don't bow to narcissists.

Do NOT tell your sister.
You risk drama.
Announce AFTER the baby is born.

In fact tell no one you are even in labour.
No risk of people like your mother turning up at the hospital.

Years ago my friend had a niggly mother who used to give little digs, not just to her, everyone.
It was just her way.

My friend kept her plans and dates vague by moving them 10 days later.

She had heard her mother passive aggressively say "how will she manage the pain, she makes such a fuss about a stubbed toe"🙄 simply not true.

She gave birth one night and told no one for two days and when she did her mother rushed in and found her freshly showered and feeling very well.

She queried when the baby was born and she was told I want privacy and not digs about how I was coping.
She said tjis clearly in front of a nurse and inlaws.
Her mother was very mortified and offended but something changed in my friend, she no longer cared.

Her mother went off to sulk for days and wasn't contacted by my friend, until her mother asked to seek the baby and was told 2pm next week.

Her mother tried to smooth things over but after 34 years my friend she liked the peace and was going to keep it.

Later that year they got married with only her their two best friends, no family at all.
No christening as they are not religious.

Family realised they had married when she started wearing a gorgeous rock on her finger and wedding band.

She has the strictest boundaries now.
Her mother is a lot less pass remarkable with her two sisters since this happened.

This is your child not your mum’s. You name your daughter whatever you want to name her. If mum doesn’t like it, too bad. This is your moment, your joy, your choice.

I don’t think names should not be given to “keep the peace,” they should be given because they are something the parents love and is meaningful to them and their own individual lives and stories. And tbh, your mum should want that for you and embrace whatever you decide to name YOUR child.

As someone who had a had a parent that tried to guilt and talk them out of a name I loved, I can confirm I’m glad I stayed firm and kept the name I wanted. I absolutely love my son’s name. Top tip: don’t tell anyone what you’re naming your child, just announce after they’re born ❤️ Congrats!

My family has a girl’s name which all the girls have somewhere, however when my sil was pregnant, my db made it super clear that he and his wife were not going to use it and refused to say what names they had chosen. It’s entirely your choice, don’t lumber your dd with a name you don’t want for her. Just keep deflecting and go with whatever you want. Your mum sounds pretty awful if you’re having to put in boundaries, tbh.

this.

No way, don’t feel pressured into naming your daughter for someone else! You and she will have to live with it forever. Your best friends name is much more meaningful.

My sister gave my nephews middle names of her husbands parents (think MIL being along the Sam vibes) which was a bit tight on my mum I thought. However I am not big on middle names so we haven’t done it with either or our daughters (we used a family name from my OH’s side). My mum did suggest one of my daughter’s names though and we loved it so she did feel included! Could you let her think she was involved in choosing DD’s name?

I think your emotions are telling you that more than one middle name dilutes the other: it won’t. My dc have two middle names each: one from each side. Their first names are “new”, i.e. not family names (although dd1 does share her name with a relative that was around in the 1700s, we discovered after she was born - God bless my gm and her rigorous family tree record!).

Definitely recommend not telling anyone names until the baby is born. I got so annoyed with the constant questioning with dd2 I everyone it was going to be Esmerelda for girl and Kermit for a boy. One of my colleagues who clearly had good manners responded “Oh, Kermit - so unusual. Is it a family name? It’ll be nice to honour them if so, won’t it”

DH is one of 4 brothers. His dad has the “family name” (but is known by his middle name, as did his grandad and his dad and his dad and so on.

My second husband came from a family like that - the eldest boy got the family name. So he had the same name (first name, middle name, AND surname) as his cousin, his uncle and his grandfather!!! Caused all sorts of confusion as you can imagine 🤔.

And he HATED his name. So when our daughter was born he was adamant that she wouldn't have any family name at all (even though the tradition didn't apply to girls) - not his mother's nor mine. Which I was fine with btw - luckily my brother who had 4 kids before I even started had taken care of that from my family's side.

You must name your baby what you and your husband want, it's not your responsibility to perpetuate a family name, and it's not a mark of disrespect either.

Like pp I think you are best to wait until after the birth before telling your mum. Otherwise she'll be on your case from now on. And what if the scans are wrong and it turns out to be a boy?