AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

[JeffRedd]

First is severely autistic. 24/7 needs and very physically aggressive. I think it would be manageable, but am I being unreasonable to take away time/attention/finances from first child by having two. And would it be unfair on second child to be limited by first child’s needs?

How would you and two children cope it a second had the same level of need?

DH has a brother with two DC. Eldest is an adult aged 19 and NT, youngest is 18 and ND with severe autism. You never know what the future holds.

This. It runs in families, how would you manage if the second is the same?

What would be your expectations of child no2?
To be a carer, take on responsibility as an adult?
How would dc1 manage with a newborn in the house?

I dont think I would risk a second child.

Firstly I would worry about keeping a baby/child safe (physically and emotionally) when your first is " very physically aggressive."

Secondly, there is an increased possibility that the second child will also have ASD. Would you be able to cope with a second child with the same level of need?

I know this sounds negative and we don't know your full circumstances but those would be my initial concerns.

in your case, as you say your child is physically aggressive, I would consider what would happen if he lashes out at baby/toddler/sibling as they grow up together.

also, never minimise the impact this will have on both children - your older child will lose time and attention. Your second child will also becasue there will be times you cannot be there for them.

what is your support network like? Do you have friends and family you can get help from now with your autistic child? Are there sibling carer support services in your area (they generally take referrals from age 8 of the carer child).

how supportive is your workplace? Are they flexible towards families.

tou have to consider everything you would ordinarily and the extra things. Like, are you having another child and hoping that some day they may take over with their older sibling if/when you are unable to - this cannot be relied upon.

Are you prepared if your second child is also as severely autistic - can you manage two potentially very different sets of need (speaking from experience).

ultimately, only you know what your heart is telling you. But you need to go into this with your eyes wide open of you might get a shock in a few years if things don’t happen as you plan/hope.

Tbh I think it might work out better if DC2 was similar. House is already set up with sensory room and a lot of security features to keep DC safe. There would also be a substantial age gap between them so DC1 will be at education/daycare during the day. Plans for DC1 long term care are made so I’d know what to put in place for DC2 if needed.

Personally there’s no way i’d want to bring a second child into this situation. Your choice though. But I have seen so many posts on here over the decades i’ve been a member whereby younger siblings of autistic children have suffered. I couldn’t choose to bring another child into the situation.

I wouldn’t, and I have said this before and not been popular for it but I strongly believe you need to consider the potential child when making this decision, not how you would cope as parents. You could be bringing a disabled child into the world who will struggle and suffer through their life and that should be the main concern.

Long term care plans for DC1 are already arranged. Any future children would not be expected to provide care. DC1 loves babies, but would not be trusted to be in close proximity which is one of the main concerns.

I think it would be an entirely selfish decision and not one made in the best interests of either of the children. Bringing a baby around a physically aggressive child who needs 24/7 care just isn't fair.

What are your reasons for wanting another child?

You may have your home set up perfectly to meet the needs of your first child, but what would you do if the second had a completely different set of needs?

If you do a lot of physical care would you be safe being pregnant while doing it?

I really feel for you. But it appears one of two things will happen - you will either have another autistic child with high level of needs, in which case you life will get exponentially harder, or you will have a child with lower or no needs, whose life will always be hugely overshadowed by the huge needs of their older sibling. I’m not sure either of these are good options.

Do you mean long term care post 18? You cannot plan for everything when you have kids. You can definately hope though

Fortunately I never had to make this decision as it was my second child who is severely autistic, nothing is guaranteed but Myvoldest son has been an absolute dream to bring up he's not academic but otherwise completely NT.

I was just about to ask this

Completely agree. You have no way of predicting the needs of the second child and your first could respond in a way you couldn't predict.

DS (7.5) is profoundly autistic. Non verbal, very limited comprehension. Goes to specialist school.

DD (6.5) is also autistic but not as complex - has language and comprehension but still has a variety of extra needs.

I love DD with every fibre of my being, but if I had have known how hard it would turn out to be to care for DS (we only started to question anything when I was already pregnant with DD) whilst balancing the needs of another child , let alone another autistic child, I wouldn’t have had any more.

The people calling you selfish are wrong. Well, maybe right and wrong. All our desires for children are selfish.
Every family has challenges, the hard bit for you is they are somewhat known. If you'd had a second with a tiny age gap you wouldn't have known as much. You seem to be clear in your mind about how it might work and the ongoing needs of your elder child. Don't overthink it, if you'd like another baby and your DP agrees, you should.

I agree with this, sadly.

I wouldn’t have another child in this position, either it would stretch me too thin if I were to have another child with such significant needs or it would be unfair to a child with lesser/no additional needs to live in a shadow.

Agree there is a lot of doom and gloom on here as I said it's my youngest son who is severely autistic his older brother isn't .

There’s a big difference between a child loving babies, and living with one as a permanent addition to the family. Even for children with no additional needs, adjusting to a sibling can be difficult. Think carefully about what the impact of that change to your child’s routine would mean for them.

You say he loves babies but the shine may wear off when that baby is there all the time, taking all your attention, being noisy and then getting more mobile and in his face.

I think in your situation I wouldn’t risk it at all.

Eldest DS is autistic with high needs (significant speech delay, needs help with personal care, sensory difficulties, no danger awareness etc) but I’m not sure if I would consider his needs severe at the moment and he doesn’t have an aggressive bone in his body. He can occasionally lash out during a meltdown but only in a defensive sort of way.

We chose to have a second and whilst it has been amazing ( they are extremely close) it is also really difficult. I can’t take them both out on my own because if DS1 was to run off I wouldn’t be able to leave DS2 in his pushchair etc. It has been great but tough and I fortunately don’t have to worry about any physical aggression whatsoever so I know DS2 is very safe with him.

We aren’t yet able to tell if DS2 is autistic or not, he has hit all his milestones developmentally but there are a couple of things he does which makes us question although we aren’t sure if that might be behaviour copied from DS1 (lots of jumping). I really don’t know how I would cope if DS2 was autistic with high needs. It’s really important to me that his upbringing is as normal as possible which I think will be manageable due to the fact that DS1 doesn’t have severe difficulties and behaviours.

I just know I would worry too much in your shoes about the safety of another baby and also yourself during pregnancy as well as your ability to make sure the second doesn’t miss out at all. I would also be really worried about the second baby potentially also being autistic and having severe difficulties.

What long term care plans do you have?

I have multiple Autistic dc. I thought only 1dc was Autistic so decided to have another... all 3 ended up being diagnosed.
All 3 ended up needing to go to special schools.

When your Autistic child is school age is the easiest time. Once school finshes, its so much harder.

Your marriage, support network, coping mechanisms work with 1 disabled dc, 2 is a very different situation.

Had I known what I know now, I wouldn't have had any more dc. It was short sighted and selfish of me.