AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

[JeffRedd]

First is severely autistic. 24/7 needs and very physically aggressive. I think it would be manageable, but am I being unreasonable to take away time/attention/finances from first child by having two. And would it be unfair on second child to be limited by first child’s needs?

could you ensure that your baby would be safe?

It's difficult raising children with very different needs. Whether a DC2 was NT or autistic they'd be a different person, at a different stage of development with different needs.

That affects you, your resources, DC1, DC2 and your support network.

It sounds likely that DC1 would struggle with the demands of a baby/ toddler sibling splitting your attention and energy.

How would you cope emotionally, practically and financially with 2 DC with complex, possibly competing needs. Not 2 people with ASD are alike. They can both be severe and have very different needs. How much support do you have? How much would your support between be able to step to. If DC is not disabled, how much support do you have for the eldest in order to give DC2 what they need. Do not underestimate the impact of a severely disabled child on their sibling? How would you be able to carry on working? 2 disabled children will be very expensive? how would you cope emotionally and practically with 2 DC with very different needs?

If DC1 is severely impacted, have you considered genetic testing to see if there is an underlying generic reason for DC1's difficulties, and if they are inherited (giving you a chance to work out how likely it is to have a 2nd disabled child).

Ultimately, nothing in live is guaranteed. I have 2 DC with complex needs and from what you wrote, I wouldn't. DC1 is complex. Sound a second child with complex needs may be too much (it's not sorted with having a sensory room) and if DC2 is does not have disabilities, they will be massively impacted by DC1.

My eldest nephew's needs have always been overshadowed by his younger sibling who is severely autistic. It can work the other way too.

No easy answer to this.

What happens if DC2 has another disability either physical or mental? What happens if you become unwell?

My Mum had a close friend had a son who was similar to how your son sounds to be but she also had an older DD. As her DS got older she struggled with him physically but he used to attack her DD as well
I think that it could be risky for you when pg as well as for a baby and you may well struggle.
My Mums friend said she really felt for her DD who had everything affected by her brother, she couldn't do a lot of the things that her friends could

Being the mother of a disabled child should not be all you are allowed to be in life, and take away all other options. Yes a second child would be affected by having a disabled sibling, but all children are affected by their siblings. Not the same but I had identical twins, and they really don't like being identical or being twins, I'm sure it has affected their personalities and development in many ways, and they missed out on things that could be done with one baby but not two. But that is who they are, there was no way to change it. Your potential second child can have the best life you can give them, or no life at all.

I have an autistic child, he sound lower support need than your DC. I wouldn't have another child, my DC needs my full attention when we're out otherwise he wouldn't be safe (eloping, running toward roads, meltdowns). I couldn't keep a toddler and my autistic DC safe at the same time when out. A baby in a pram may be manageable but they don't stay babies. My DC is sometimes awake till very late and up early, that could disturb another child and if I'm dealing with night feeds on top of that I'd be exhausted. My DC does take up a lot of my attention, I don't think I could give equal attention to another DC. It's common for their to be siblings who are both autistic so if I had 2 autistic children that would be even more challenging. They may have different needs and as you will know autistic children can be very inflexible. There are things I can't do with my DC, he can't manage the noise of public transport, doesn't manage bright lighting well, can't manage queues, it limits days out. He has certain places he loves to go to. If I had another DC who liked/couldn't manage opposite activities we would be really limited.
People do have more than 1 autistic child and cope so you may cope too. It's a personal choice but mine would be no for the reasons above.

I don't think this is a great question for AIBU really, it has to be your decision.

But for what it's worth - having been in the situation of having an autistic DS, though not as severely effected, I decided against a second child. There were lots of reasons, not least was that I didn't think DS would cope well.

I have two DC with autism. Our second wasn’t diagnosed until 6 and we suspected delays were due to complications at birth. The youngest DC was born three years later and is profoundly autistic and will always need 1:1 24 hour care. This might not be a popular opinion, but if I’d known about autism and had our second been diagnosed quicker, I wouldn’t have had our third child. They have substantial challenges and it has absolutely changed the course of our lives and has ruined it. I love them dearly and although we wanted four children, we didn’t think it fair to have another as we needed to meet the other children’s needs.

I would think very very hard about it. Emotionally I struggle a lot. Physically I’m spat at, hit, screamed at (by a non verbal child), everything is controlled in our home. It’s miserable. You never know how autism will manifest but there’s a chance you could have another autistic child.

There’s a man called James who runs a page on Facebook called “stories about autism”. He has two boys and who are autistic and they can’t live together.

Yes, my toddler loves other babies and is very gentle with them. She has smacked etc her own baby sister however. It’s been a really tough transition, most of all protecting my newborn and not feeling able to take my eye off her for a second but also seeing to my oldest’s needs and making the transition as smooth as possible for her. She is neurotypical, as far as I’m aware.

I have a friend with an older sister as you’ve described and he’s great. Very happy and successful in life. Oxbridge. I don’t know how often he sees his sister, who is in a care home. He doesn’t talk about her that much, but he has gone into a caring profession I don’t know if that’s related.

Unbelievable to actually wish for this

YABU

If I was in your situation I wouldn't. Your child has life long needs, that will always take your attention. It wouldn't be fair on a second child. How would you mange if the child also had severe autism but their needs were different?

What a horrible way to talk about a child, a human being, who deserves a happy life as much as anyone. Absolutely awful. Shame on you

Never said it was wished for. Just that I have considered that outcome and I think it would be manageable.

Sounds harsh but I agree .

My first child is autistic and I thought long and hard about having a second. We went to a geneticist who said that, generally speaking, the chance of a second child having autism if the first child has it is about 20%. I decided those were odds I was willing to take - in my mind, a 25% chance was my cut-off point.

Long story short - we had a second child. She is neurotypical and the most delightful child you could ever imagine. I’m not sure what I would do, or how I would have coped, without her. It has also been very good for my eldest to have her around.

Good luck with your decision, I hope it all works out.

First thought is would you be safe pregnant? If your first child is aggressive.. what if they caused you to miscarry? Sorry I know it’s a horrible thought, but being around anyone physically aggressive is very risky for you and the baby.

Sorry but no, if your DC1 is very physically aggressive and can’t be trusted to be in close proximity to a baby then no. It won’t be fair on either DC, and how would this ever work practically if you can’t have DC1 around DC2? How would that be a good life at home for either of them?

Unfortunately I don’t think it’s a good idea OP.

You say he wouldn’t be able to be in close proximity of any sibling as he’s aggressive which means you will constantly have to keep them separate, that’s no life for either of them or you- you’d never be able to relax.

Most importantly no child should ever live in fear of physical aggression in their own home, it’s abuse, you’d be having another knowing that would be a likely possibility.

DCs aggression is directed at caregivers. The concern to safety would be mainly from indirect acts(such as throwing objects). He wouldn’t be left alone in the same room as another child without supervision.

Ive got a severely autistic 8 year old and an 11 month old who so far seems to be developing normally. It's definitely hard but my son is actually really good with his baby sister he's gentle he's careful around her, if she's annoying him he just leaves the room. He doesn't like her crying, and it can be hard balancing their needs but overall I think having a sibling will be good for him, I don't expect her to care for him after I'm dead but I hope she will at least go visit him but obviously I cant control that. I'm glad I had another some might say its selfish but I feel like I missed out on so many of the typical parenting experiences with my son

If violence is a potential problem, would you be willing - and able - to arrange for residential care for your DS?

I know it isn't at all easy to access, but if you had another child it could be needed to enable that child to be safe at home.