AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

[JeffRedd]

First is severely autistic. 24/7 needs and very physically aggressive. I think it would be manageable, but am I being unreasonable to take away time/attention/finances from first child by having two. And would it be unfair on second child to be limited by first child’s needs?

@AllPlayedOut I don't think it's an abelist forum. OP asked a valid question, and people are commenting on the facts given. My belief is that we are all somewhere on the spectrum, and the perfect human being does not exist. Your point has as much value as mine or anyone else's on this thread.

I don’t mean MN. I didn’t call it ableist. Another poster did and that’s who I was responding to, only the quote didn’t show.

Your point has zero value because it’s based on your opinion whereas the rest of us understand that’s everyone isn’t ’on the spectrum’

Oh that makes a lot more sense! I had this vision of someone making their kids take turns with their needs.

I have a 3 yr old with profound autism and got pregnant with my next before we realised my first had autism. Every day is incredibly hard and sometimes I wish I was dead.

There is a 25% chance of a second child having additional needs, genetically speaking. I have a profoundly autistic child with high care needs and there’s not a chance in hell I would be this selfish. It’s not fair on your first child, who needs all your attention. It wouldn’t be fair on a second child who wouldn’t have the attention they need and would be being brought into an unsafe environment. It’s absolutely mind boggling to me that people choose to do this - yes, it would be great to have a go at being a “normal parent”, but you have to play the hand you are dealt and do what is best for the DC you already have.

I feel so sorry for you. Is your MW aware of how you’re feeling?

From what was posted, no amount of attention will significantly improve the 1st DC outcome . It's just not fair for the mother to sacrifice herself for nothing.

I am saying this with kindness OP. You have been through so much as a parent and you will continue to do so. So I can understand why you would entertain this idea, but I think if I were in your shoes it would not be a good move have another baby. I think it’s OK to feel that you are a complete family with your existing child. Have you had any professional emotional support to deal with your feelings about where you are now, never mind putting an extra child into the family? Noting how the culture around us can really affect how we feel.

I know parents with a disabled child who have said that’ they are longing to have the happy and relatively much more carefree experience of bringing up a non disabled child.
I can totally understand that feeling of not wanting the stress of there being a problem with your baby and alll the worry, financial stress, huge additional time needs, huge additional care needs, which are likely to affect your ability to earn a living as the child gets older. These needs often negatively affect the adult relationships around the parent too, partner of family or friends, Imany of these can buckle under the relentless pressure. Plus the endless hospital appointments, watching your child go through pain and distress as a long term situation, the impact of not knowing the diagnosis, the impact of getting a diagnosis (if you ever do), the strain of NHS care being underfunded and the whole system working ever more slowly. In an ageing society this seems unlikely to be resolved.

You say care needs are sorted but with constant cuts to public services in the pipeline if not already here, you can’t really know this confidently enough, can you? Unless you are a multi millionaire who can afford to outsource everything in the care of your elder child for their lifetime. The relationship dynamic between the kids is a huge issue here, and that applies regardless of finances. My worry would be that, the first child resents the attention the baby needs and hates the noise. The second child then feels angry at and frightened of the first child for the same reasons. Maybe they’d work it out as adults but maybe they’d never do that. You could all be lucky, but the risks just seem enormous.

I'm not under a midwife anymore, my baby s 9 months. My gp is aware. I am on anti depressants but they can only help so much, my life is still hell. Last night my 3 yr old autistic child was up from about 2am! She's sleeping again now. My mum took my baby so I can go back to sleep now.

A second child wouldn't be a chance to have carefree times. I can't think of any parent who thinks having a young child is carefree. Sleep deprivation, more appointments, more pressure on time in general etc.

I find the number of appointments with two ASN children often overwhelming. School, health, support worker, social worker... it's relentless.

There's also the hugely increased risk of family breakdown with having just one high needs child.

I had second in this scenario. Also autistic. Different but with significant needs. I obviously love them both but had I known I would not have had a second.

I was pregnant with my second, when we got my eldests diagnosis, he is non verbal autistic. it's been hard but I wouldn't change things. His is sister is amazing, yes there have been rough patches, obviously we do things differently than other families. My daughter is now 17, she's a lovely girl and that's not just from me teachers have often commented on how kind and caring she is. She adores her brother and vise versa. If you have support and feel you can handle whatever bumps happen (there will be lots!), then go for it. Just realise it's hard and at points you'll wonder why you did it! Also, I'm not sure if I could have coped if my daughter was also asd.

I’m really sorry to hear that life is such a struggle for you. I have known and loved autistic people who feel similarly. I just wanted to add that I’ve never bought into the gift/superpower agenda when it comes to autism. My sibling is profoundly disabled because of autism and will struggle for life. For me it’s about accepting that the autism is not “separate” to the person.

I really hope so people on this forum read “Do Not Mourn For Us” because it’s been quite depressing seeing this thread, particularly the mother who is forcing their child to mask and says she hates his autism. Being a mum to an autistic kid can be really hard - another mum here mentioned wishing she was dead sometimes which is just heartbreaking - and the lack of support is awful. I just think that some of these mums would find it less of a bitter struggle if they were somehow able to reconcile to their child’s autism the way that I have. Yes you mourn the normal life you could have had, but autism acceptance can pave the way for a healthier mindset that makes your own emotions easier to deal with.

I hope that things get easier for you. Thanks for being one of the only people on this thread who has understood what I’m saying and responded to it without anger

Thank you for getting it. I thought I was going mad!

It’s not about improving their outcome, it’s about keeping them safe and meeting their needs. If that needs all your attention then adding another child is madness!

I don’t think this is PND, because every parent I know with children with profound needs feels a bit like this, to be honest. I wish I was dead on a fairly regular basis. That is not the same thing as planning to harm myself.

Yes I agree. I saw a psychologist and he said there is nothing wrong with me, just have a lot on my plate with oldest regressing and becoming special needs, had a new baby and we moved house to top it all off.

I find the lack of independence really hard, as I can't go out alone with both kids as my older dd needs a full time 1 to 1.

Hi, could I know what you did exactly to help your son? I’m in similar situation as you

If you have thought about all possibilities aka 2nd DC being the same or even more severe and their care/future being taken care of, making sure 1st DC is taking care of and responsibility doesn’t fall on 2nd DC, being able to give time/attention/financial to both, making sure 1st DC doesn’t hurt 2nd DC etc (I saw all your replies) then I’d say do what YOU want. It sounds like you really want a second child and it’s up to you. I’m not sure how many of the parents that replied to you have autistic kids. However, I do think you should think about the effects it would have on both your first and second in terms of time and attention.