AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

[JeffRedd]

First is severely autistic. 24/7 needs and very physically aggressive. I think it would be manageable, but am I being unreasonable to take away time/attention/finances from first child by having two. And would it be unfair on second child to be limited by first child’s needs?

Are you offering to provide this magic assistance, which will make everyone accept disruption and distress? Please tell us the secret, we are all agog.

I wouldn’t have a second, in your position.

I know someone who has a 6yo autistic daughter wbo is non verbal and severely autistic and is sometimes physical and she manages. It is do able it’s just avoid supporting both their needs simultaneously and also being positive around baby.

Autism is a disability, no one would actively want their child to have a disability ,why can't you understand that??

There was nothing ableist about it.

If you want to stick up for the rights of disabled people everywhere and call out ableism, at least do it correctly. The way you have spoken to, and about, that mother is utterly vile.

You're just unwilling to see another point of view, but expect everyone to accept yours. Its fair on an existing child and a hypothetic child in this circumstance to consider whats manageable.

I know exactly what distinction you are asking people to see, and I’m pretty sure the majority of all the other posters do too.

We just don’t all have to agree with your
view point, and that’s fine.

Your view doesn’t make you more superior than the rest of us. It isn’t a case of you are right and everyone else is wrong. It isn’t that black and white.

Your opinion comes from your experience of having a disabling condition yourself or looking after a child with a disabling condition, and other people’s opinions come from their experiences from having a disabling condition themselves or their child having one.

Neither side of the argument is right or wrong. It’s just a difference of opinion that doesn’t need to be argued about.

I’m not asking anyone to accept disruption and distress. I’m asking people to consider the benefits of a shift in their thinking about disability. I didn’t think it was that radical but clearly there is a long way to go. I hope there are some mum’s reading this who understands and who it helps though. Therapy can be really useful. The shift in my thinking has been partly due to that, as well as over 30 years of loving autistic people in my family. Im
mot perfect and have bad days too, but I can genuinely say that despite life’s challenges I do not hate the autism of either my sibling or my child. I hate to see them suffer: it is a subtle but important distinction.

I’m so sorry but no, I wouldn’t risk it.

Well good for you but as the saying goes if you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism .

I think if see your child suffer and your mh suffer and things go to shit because of Autism, you have every right not rejoice in its gift.

If Autism was a person I'd punch it in the face. Maybe it's a wonderful life enhancing gift for the majority. But as not all autistic people are the same, it's a robber of opportunity for say the non verbal. Never hearing your child say mummy or saying they love you? Why should I love it? Also having a NT children who go off to uni, travel solo to the USA, have a girlfriend, get drunk and go clubbing. Then I look at my other dc knowing he will NEVER fo that? Sure I go all warm and fuzxy and marvel at his gift.

God does not give disabled kids to specail parents. He gives them indiscriminately to those who cope admirable, to those who just about keep their heads above water, to those who drown, to those that in turn become shit parents.

To those who ferociously love their children in ways that no NT parent can comprehend because they been tested by fire repeatedly. But please don't assume we all praise God daily for his gift of Autism.

If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

The same applies to their parents. I'm unique. You won't find another like me.

Why should not hate it? My mantra is "I never signed up this!" I never wanted to be in this position. Would do it all again? Yes! If you told 26 year old me that was for certain I'd have this life but I didn't know him yet and much I could cope? No. No. Who would? Someone more ultraristic than me that's for sure

I’m giving up now, most of you will be glad to hear, but if anything I have said has resonated with any other autism mums - or dads - and you want to know more, I’d really recommend this beautiful essay. It’s called Don’t Mourn For Us and it’s a foundational text in the autism rights movement.

OP I wish you the best with your family. I think therapy is probably a better shout when it comes to your family planning x

" very physically aggressive"

How would a second child be kept safe from harm ?

Does your son also have any learning disabilities OP ? Is he verbal or non-verbal? How much sleep do you get ? What is your access to respite like? When you say caregivers are the target of most of his physical aggression, surely that also includes you?
Surely those physical aggressions will become more severe as your son grows and matures, unless his autism isn’t as severe and there are hopes that he will learn strategies to cope with his triggers? Difficult, so many variables, not sure we have all the info to offer advice, but from what you’ve posted so far, no I don’t think I personally would have another child, heartbreaking though that thought could be.

Extremely odd response

Are you serious? How on earth can someone 'just avoid supporting both their needs simultaneously'? And what does being positive around the baby mean?

I've two adult offspring both with autism. They are very different people with very different needs. My older one was not diagnosed when we had the second baby and if I had my time again, I don't think I would have had a second child. It's very difficult to manage and they have no relationship as adults.

@persianfairyfloss

it spell checked the word wrong oh my! I meant about doing it like it if possible Like my friend will have the baby in a sling and be doing things with the 6yo. She will still be baking cakes when baby is asleep it’s tough as she has both the children in her bedroom while their dad is in rhe 6yo old room at night as neither child wants to sleep with him haha. They do things like swimming so baby can go too and I’ve also stepped in and had baby so they can go out just as a 3 but not everyone has the choice.

@Wiltingasparagusfern I get what you are saying. It is a hugely divisive topic, even when autistic people are talking amongst ourselves and I think it's important to accept that you won't get consensus. For me I get that my autism is woven in to my personality and that I'd be someone different if it were removed but if I could press a button to remove this invisible prison, I'd do it. I can't possibly express how continually heartbreaking it is for me to be able to watch others doing things and no matter how much I try to copy them I cannot quite get there. What first started in my teens has changed shape as the decades have gone on but I am fully prepared that this will hurt in one way or another for the rest of my life. I am massively envious of those who are of the "gift" mindset but with the life experience I've had I just cannot get there.

You sound like you’ve already made your mind up so don’t know what you want from this. It’s your choice, if you think you can cope then do as you wish. I personally wouldn’t, but that’s me

I don't want to change my daughter - am in the envious position that her neurodiversity comes with gifts as well as challenges. But I'd walk through fire to figure out how to make things easier for her. Every single thing is just so... hard.

My friend who is raising a non-verbal, violent child who has very little quality of life and has pretty much destroyed her world... that's another situation altogether and I can't really see how anyone would argue to keep that in her life. Have no idea how happy or not her child is, but she can't go anywhere or do anything and this will be her entire life forever. Does she do it anyway? Of course. But I'm guessing if I offered her a magic pill to take it away she would do that too. And that's not because she doesn't love her child or because she isn't proud of him or supportive of him... it's for his benefit. He has never had a friend or a day out and will never leave full time care. That's a really different level of care to the 'quirky but ultimately enjoyable' situation of my daughter and my brother.

What does your partner think about having another child?

I have a friend who's teenaged child has autism and she has a child in there mid 20's. My friend is involved in support groups and has done various courses to help her with her child. She has had years of appointments with them also.

My friend did some research and found out that if she had another child there was a higher chance of having another child with autism and that the 2nd child could have higher needs than the 1st. She decided not to have another child because she knew it would not be fair on her or the 2 kids she already had.
She knows several couples with 2 autistic kids and it extremely hard going dealing with 2 kids with different needs.

In your situation I would not try for another child because it could happen again. I also think being pregnant and trying to deal with your current high needs child will be extremely hard. You have to think of your own physical and mental health as well and you need both of these dealing with a high needs autism child.

My neighbour has 3 children with autism. She clearly loves them and is a great mum, but she’s had to give up a career she loved, is always exhausted and doesn’t seem to have anything for herself outside her kids.

She obviously had reasons for having more than one, but you need to think very carefully how you and your family might cope practically and emotionally.

my oldest has autism, my second doesn’t.
I really feel for my second sometimes. My oldest isn’t really severe but enough so that means in order to keep him on a level we all have to do things his way.
we go out for days and have to leave if something happens to avoid meltdowns. My second often takes the brunt of his anger, he’s 0-100 in a split second so as much as I try I cannot always prevent it. Everything revolves around the oldest. Their dad left because he couldn’t cope with him and doesn’t see them anymore so we have no choice but to live the way we do.
my second is so patient, loving and doesn’t really know any different but I know his life would be so much better if his older brother didn’t have autism.
I obviously wouldn’t not want my son but if I knew then what I knew now.. I wouldn’t have had him.
I feel heartbroken saying it but he deserves the world and he doesn’t get it.