AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

[JeffRedd]

First is severely autistic. 24/7 needs and very physically aggressive. I think it would be manageable, but am I being unreasonable to take away time/attention/finances from first child by having two. And would it be unfair on second child to be limited by first child’s needs?

I absolutely wouldn't. I have two autisitc children who are able to attend mainstream. But every single bit of support is a fight. Even just in the last couple of years the support available has become just a fraction of what there used to be. We've gone from a TA in every classroom to now they have all been moved to doing 1:1 care for children in the lower years. This is due to lack of room in the special schools for kids with complex needs. Everyone has less support.

Waiting list for autism assessment here has doubled from 2 to 4 years. Our two neighbouring NHS areas have stopped assessments altogether. Adults with complex needs used to get full time care packages but are now only getting part time. Forgetting all the other reasons, you are likely to get far less support if you had a second complex needs child.

Also- when you say you have lifelong care in place for your oldest that is presumably a care package. That can be changed at any time. Definitely not something to rely upon.

That's a disgusting thing to say autism can be massively disabling for some people
Some people with autism will never be independent, talk might always be in nappies have a extremely challenging behaviour, the list goes on you can love your child to the ends of the earth
But yes given a choice I would also take away the disability in a heart beat .

And understanding professional ,s would not be horrified at a parent not wanting their child to have a disability given a choice.

Yes I think it would be unfair.

Sorry op, no way would I have a second child in this scenario. They won’t have the attention they deserve, despite what you said, I couldn’t discount risk of physical danger to them, and it’s quite possible they may be burdened with caring responsibilities later on.

What a ridiculous thing to say! I have worked in paediatric nursing for 17 years and I have seen so many parents sit crying at the bedside of their chronically unwell child (including complex learning difficulties) and praying that their illness or disability didn’t exist. That isn’t shame or embarrassment, it’s because they love their child and they want their child to have the kind of life that other children get to live.

I have a chronic disability that got diagnosed at 16 and I truly hate it. It may be “part of me” as you like to put it, but it certainly isn’t a good part of me and it ruins my life in so many ways. My life is dictated by my condition, nearly every decision I make has to be made with my health condition at the forefront. It’s robbed me of friends, relationships, my career, my emotional and mental well-being as well as my physical health and it’s robbed me of my freedom. It has taken away the opportunity for me to live where I can just be myself. I will never know what potential I could have had for myself if I didn’t have this condition.

My family hate the fact I have this condition and they hate what it has done to me and my life. They do everything they can to try and support me to live a normal life but they hate what it has done to me.

Does that mean they don’t love me?
Of course not.
It means they want me to be able to live a normal life and they would do anything to take it away from me, but they can’t and it hurts them.

The post you made is so ridiculous and so insensitive and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking it was ok to say those things to a mother who has to watch her much loved child struggle and suffer every day.

I think it would be unfair on both children whether or not the second is also autistic.

Firstly, it's a big adjustment for a child who already struggles so much. You would need time to care for a baby when the first also needs 24/7 care.

Second, the younger child would be at risk from injury from aggression from the first and they would also not get the attention and care they'd need because the first already needs so much. There is also a risk of trauma of having to witness violence in the house at a young age.

Well exactly I love both my boys more than life my oldest son is an insulin dependent Diabetic and my youngest is severely autistic, I don't love the autism or the Diabetes, both are very hard conditions to live with.

My son is high-functioning autistic. His main symptom is that he struggles with the more complex social nuances. He was always ahead of his milestones and I haven’t had any real struggles in raising him. He is very intelligent, academic and doesn’t need much support, most days, beyond some reminding about social boundaries and appropriateness. He’s 10 and most boys aren’t socially nuanced at this age anyway! Lots of my family members also have his type of ‘autism’ - they are all successful and settled in their own right.

I had another child, she is now 2, and so far doesn’t show symptoms of autism. I had another knowing they might also be autistic, but having raised my son so far, and the fact he has low needs, I knew I could cope.

I think this is one of the issues with autism being so diluted as it has been in recent years, it neglects those with high support needs. Personally I would struggle with a child with high support needs, but only you can know your own threshold.

Actually i disagree my son is severely autistic and has very high support needs i now have a decent package of respite care that just wouldn't be offered to children with fewer needs

I wouldn’t even consider it personally. I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interests but that’s just my personal opinion!

physical aggression with autism can be extremely difficult to manage once they get bigger/older too - what would your plan be for this as the second child is growing up and potentially be at risk?

I was the second younger NT child in this situation. It was awful for me, my brother and my parents. I am now no contact with all of them because of my upbringing.

My parents will say that they tried their best and from the outside things looked fine - teachers and family would constantly tell me what a good and supportive sister I was. However, that support involved me not telling anyone that I broke my finger playing netball at 14 because my brother had a bad day and I didn’t want to cause them any more problems. I had 100% attendance at school, not because I was never unwell but because I just threw up at school and stole painkillers instead to get through the day. I couldn’t have any problems because my brother had it worse so I learned to cope by staying quiet, discovering self harm and crying alone in my room for years.

On behalf of NT siblings, please reconsider. I know why my brother needed more attention and time in the day is limited, but was just a child and I deserved to be able to tell my parents when I was unwell and needed care. Lots of siblings love and care for the ND sibling, but your child could learn to cope the way I did and if I could chose not to be born then I’d take that option in an instant.

That’s why I think it’s such a personal decision. I love both of my children very much.

I’m also aware of my own personal limitations, I wouldn’t be able to cope with a child with high-support needs. My son, at 10, can pretty much take care of himself for the day throughout the summer holidays. I’m able to work from home (with the 2 year old at nursery) and I know he is capable of getting himself dressed, using the toilet, getting a snack or making a sandwich. Having safety awareness such as not opening the door to strangers. I have even started leaving him for 10-15 minutes at a time whilst I pop to the corner shop down the end of the road. I would really struggle if I had a child who couldn’t do these things, or I couldn’t leave independently for a couple of hours during the day whilst working from home, which is the reality for a lot of parents of high support needs autistic children.

I’m so sorry you had to live through that childhood, it’s heartbreaking to think of any child having to be raised in that environment. In such a short paragraph you have been able to encapsulate so well the reality of what life can be like when they are bought up in the shadow of their older sibling. I think this is an issue that isn’t spoken about enough and I hope that it really, really makes other parents think about what impact their decisions can have on a second child where they are knowingly forcing this life on an innocent child who didn’t ask to be born.

I wouldn't have a second child under the circumstances you describe. I was the younger sibling of an autistic child with complex needs and it made for a really horrible childhood, sorry.

Can you afford genetic testing.

My daughter was diagnosed late at 5, she was not violent and verbal.
She was 6 when DS was born
My DS was diagnosed at 2.
DS had genetic testing at 7.

Turns out neither have direct autism, they've have an inherited genetic disorder, that is a cross over with ASD due to how it presents.

The likelihood DC2 having similar issues is high imo.

I really hope not.

Not a chance in hell would I bring a second child into the situation you describe. I say this as someone who is autistic herself. The chance of having another autistic child is very high but you also need to consider that you may get a child who is more like me than your first child. Absolutely no way would I have coped sharing a house with a severely autistic sibling, it would have been a case that one of us would have had to be permanently rehoused. And how do you choose between your children? An impossible choice, for sure.

I think you'd be mad.

It can be done on the NHS and it doesn't need to be inherited.

Same, I know it sounds horrible but I resent my parents for choosing to have me when they knew my life would be massively affected, but their want for another child overrode any concern for that. People have said to me over the years ah but arent you glad youre here now, well yes but I wouldnt have known any different had I not been born.

I don’t think I would do it in your position but only you know how much you want a second child and how much you think you could cope.

We had DC2 when DC1 was 4, before DC1’s issues were quite so apparent (diagnosed with ASD at 8). I had some anxiety about whether DC1 might have something more going on than anxiety but relatives, teachers and everyone around me dismissed this at the time. DC2 is, as far as we know, NT, although he has a few quirks which I’m keeping an eye on as they could be signs of ND but could also be copied from DC1.

It has been really difficult. The age gap is a factor but meeting their different needs has been very tricky. DC1’s need to control vs DC2’s desire to do perfectly normal things like have friends round, play and sing, requires some tricky balancing. DC1 would be described as high functioning as well, in the sense that he attends mainstream school and meets age related expectations. I have found it much harder to meet his needs since DC2 was born and he has very much struggled to accept DC2.

I think you would be being utterly unfair to both children.

The kids that fall through the gap between needing special school and mainstream are often the ones that have the biggest issues getting supprt. One of mine has severe anxiety issues, but is intelligent. Doesn't fit anywhere and there just isnt supprt for kids like that locally.

We have 6 children. 2 have high functioning autism and one has ADHD (also very high functioning). I wouldn’t have had any more children if I had been in your situation- not worth the risk when your first DC is aggressive and has such complex needs. I genuinely don’t think it would be fair on either child.