AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

[JeffRedd]

First is severely autistic. 24/7 needs and very physically aggressive. I think it would be manageable, but am I being unreasonable to take away time/attention/finances from first child by having two. And would it be unfair on second child to be limited by first child’s needs?

I wouldn’t.

A younger sibling shouldn’t be knowingly subjected to a violent child whatever the reasons. You know it would be selfish to force a child to endure that life.

It would be incredibly selfish to bring another child into the world knowing they could be at a disadvantage, and with a violent sibling? Absolutely not.

Even if your 2nd child is autistic. They may have totally different needs. I have 2 autistic children at home 5 and 15. They are very different in how I deal with and not just because of their ages. So in the end it's your and your husbands decision. I didn't see what your child's age is but that can also play a large part in your decision. You are past all the messy baby years and are you ready to start over with all the newborn things?

I have 3 nd kids. No one in the family is ND. My youngest was 2 and I was pg when the eldest was diagnosed. Dc2 then diagnosed at 3. Dc2 has severe needs. Non verbal until 7. He had a blue badge as soon as he turned 5. He still has severe needs but he isn't the same person he was. It not easy but I'd never go back.

I didn't have any information to make a informed choice as I was told my worries for the eldest dc was nonsense and all in my head and he would grow out of it.

Non of my kids will be anyones carer. They are siblings that the only role they will ever have.

There's no re dos in this life. So think of what that means for you. Advocating for my kids has become my life but it's paid off and the right schools can change their lives

I have an autistic son, I didn’t consider a second child as I knew it would be unfair to both of them. Ds needs specific routines, 1:1 attention, has sensory issues, noise aversion. He melts down and sometimes lashes out. No way would I inflict that on another child, Ds would struggle with sharing attention , unwanted noise and someone else’s needs being considered. also I wouldn’t want another child to have to manage the restricted life we have or suppress their needs as ds needs come first.

Also the fact that you could have two children with needs. I have a friend who has a son with adhd and a son with severe asd. The first son will make noises/ movements (like tics) which riles second son who will kick off and trash his room or worse attack his brother.

I understand you. I’m in a similar situation. My child was flagged with their being something wrong at his 12 month checkup. The nurse looked really worried and told us something was really wrong with our baby.

At three he was formally diagnosed with global developmental delay and autism level 3. Basically the most severe. He was completely non verbal, he would violently rock and would flap his arms like a bird. He wasn’t toilet trained despite my attempts.

His support worker suggested I put him in a special school when he was older as his behaviours were so extreme. His speech therapist told me to adjust my expectations of him ever speaking normally.

I still wanted a normal child. The prospect of this being my entire life absolutely broke me.

I gave up my career to look after him and take him to early intervention, speech therapy and his Paediatrician. At the first appointment his Paediatrician told me that some kids grow out of it and we wouldn’t know until he was 9 or 10.

I have zero life and everything is about him.

He is going to start school next year. He can talk and his speech is improving. He’s learning to read. He has a personality. He understands humour and tries to make us laugh. He loves playing with kids at kindy.

A different Paediatrician eyed me suspiciously when I told her he was autistic and she said he doesn’t look like he is. He absolutely is but I’ve been teaching him to mask.

I’ve worked so hard and sacrificed so much so that one day he might lead a normal life.

The thing is he is now asking for a sibling. It’s something that he’s very vocal about. He brings it up all the time. My only reticence is having another autistic child. It’s something that would devastate me. I joined so many online groups and watch YouTube videos of children with my son’s diagnosis and the lives of their parents seem utterly miserable.

I absolutely love my child. But I hate his autism and I know he hates it too. I’m not one of the mums who accept the diagnosis and am content. I’m just not. I’m utterly terrified of having another autistic kid whose symptoms are more severe.

My second DS is severely autistic. DS1 NT. It was hard for DS1, really hard. Both adults now. It was heartbreaking for me to not be able to give DS1 the time he needed due to DS2’s needs. DS1 spent a lot of time at grandparents as he was growing up. It is a difficult decision, really feel for you and I feel lucky I had my NT child first as if I’d had DS2 first I personally don’t think I would have had a second but who knows… DS2 now in adult care, beginning to restore relationship with DS1. I feel for you, it’s a really tough decision.

This is almost identical to DH's brother's situation except they look after their DS2 at home full time. I don't think they want to put him in residential care even though he's 18 now.

Sorry OP but if they are “very physically agressive” I’m not sure you could keep yourself safe during PG or keep the baby safe as it grows up.

I have 2 who are ND and the second is far more demanding of our time than the first. My question would be not what if the needs of DC2 were the same but what if they were more?

For me it would be a no…I found it hard enough managing a second when my first was NT.

Is your first DC likely to live into adulthood?
Is your first DC likely to be working and to live independently?

Thought into your first child coping with life is foremost.
If, after being helped to launch off, your oldest is expected to be able to happily earn a living and cook etc. then I would look deeper at having another child.
What are the chances of having two children who are hugely dependant on you?
What if you died young?
Can your marriage survive another child?
Can you leave a house to your disabled children?
Can you test the embryo?
It is not fair on you nor your DH and DS1 to have another severely affected child.

OP, I think your child’s needs have to come first. It sounds like your child needs you far more than you need to have a second child right now. Also as others have said it isn’t fair on the new baby either. I have an autistic sibling, a younger one. Whatever others say, the sibling will end up a carer to some extent. I now have an autistic child now too because it runs in families. You’re highly likely to have another autistic child. I met someone recently with four.

The only thing that will mitigate some of these factors is money. If you have lots of money life won’t be as hard, and you can pay for help, resources etc, meaning you aren’t spread so thin as a mum. But for me the potential damage to both children would be too much of a risk I think.

My brother has an autistic child, second child isn’t. You just don’t know.

It’s hard but doable as long as you have the right support in place. My eldest has asd originally at 2 thought to have high level needs though over time she gained skills so is on the higher functioning end, I was pregnant with her dsis as we went through diagnosis at 2. Would I do that again, honestly I don’t know

We have 4 all autistic. We never suspected. Our youngest was diagnosed first. But the youngest 2 are very high needs. Both require full time care, SEN school. Don’t sleep etc. ds is physically violent due to the PDA profile.

if we had them first we would never of had more children. I’m now pregnant with our 5th and we are going into it knowing that its highly likely history will and could repeat.

it wasn’t planned and we had many discussions on options.

im due next week with a planned C-section due to the other children’s needs. Ds hasn’t shown a single bit of violence in my pregnancy. He’s probably the most excited out of all of them.

long term although we have plans and things in place for the others. We have to recognise that potential placing a 3rd child who may need long term care could be difficult.

our home is set up for SEN and we know the system which isn’t a bad thing. But I sometimes wonder the what if he cries and ds doesn’t go to his sensory room. What if 5 autistic children would be the breaking point for us.
what is the affect that our decision is going to have on our 4 current children. Will their care needs take a back burner? Will the babies?

I have verbal and non verbal children. Will we have a situation of learnt behaviour.

ultimately finances comes into play. Could we potentially afford the cost if history repeats itself. With specific food, equipment, hospital trips, private therapy.

we need to have a tight plan. My youngest 2 both abscond. Yet at 5 and 8 it will be harder to manage with a newborn. So a double pram has come into play with a newborn and 5 year old and reins for 8m year old. But even going out with them is going to be difficult.

Why would the Op become unwell or the other child have a different disability?
Anything can happen in life you have to deal with it.

I wouldn’t do it.

It’d be very unfair on the baby growing up with a physically abusive older sibling with complex needs; your second DC would never get enough attention and would grow up avoiding their sibling (or worse) as well as being frightened of them.

Also what if they were severely autistic too? How would you cope and support them?

Let it go.

Such a hard decision. I had no idea my eldest’s needs when I had my second. As it turns out he was/is a very chill person who is NT. I very much feel the guilt of the challenges of being a sibling to a high needs child. On the other hand I can’t imagine life without him. He is an absolute joy. So I’m glad I never had to make this decision. There are no guarantees in life. I researched rates afterwards and it looked like about a 20-30% chance of my second being autistic. I considered a third child but in the end felt I didn’t have it in me to roll the dice again. But I don’t think anyone can tell you the right course of action.

And I am sure that OP is doing her best to make sure that child is getting as good a quality of life as possible and is 'happy'. But I bet she isn't. Who would choose 'that' kind of parenthood over what other people have? You can kid yourself that it's a blessing/superpower or whatever, but the reality is, it's bloody hard work and soul destroying.

Read your last sentence out loud.

Please do not bring a baby in to this!!!!

Think about the stress for the new baby!!

I have DS1 autistic but we didn't know that when DS2 was born. It's sometimes very hard for the brother with the meltdowns and the rigidity and DS1 is not severely autistic !!! Don't be selfish.

This seems like the potential for disaster and not a safe home to bring a baby live at all.

what if baby is asleep and you got to the toilet and DC1 wanders in? How will you safe guard both you end up doing childcare alone.

what does your partner/ other parent think?

I mean this as kindly as possibly, but I would have a serious think about what kind of life you’d be inflicting on a second child.

A newborn whose mother can’t be physically and emotionally present due to the needs of your first child. With the rest of their childhood potentially being the same?

Living in a home where they may be scared for the their safety? A home that is full of stress, anxiety and difficulty?

Being forced into a position where he has to be a young carer to his brother? How can that possibly be avoided when his bother has 24/7 needs? In lots of ways he’ll be drawn into helping you.

Will he have grow up with his own needs always coming second in line to his brother albeit nobody’s fault?

Potentially being a carer when he’s an adult?

Think about the potential emotional damage you may cause a second child having to be bought up in this kind of environment, both short term and long term.

Realistically, how can you provide an enriching and fulfilling life to a second child when your first child is physically aggressive and has 24/7 needs?

How do you envision a second child fitting into your life without there being any kind of detrimental affect to the emotional well-being of either child?

Having two children is hard….the physical and emotional toll it can take is huge, trying to meet both their needs equally and make them feel equally important and equally loved etc, and that’s just in a situation where both children are well and healthy.

I think you need to have a serious think about how you will cope because once baby number 2 is here there is no going back.

I don’t see how having a second child will be fair to the child you currently have, or fair to the child you will be bringing into your home environment and the kind of life they will have no option but to be part of and the impact it will have on them for all of their life.