AIBU- second child when first is autistic.

[JeffRedd]

First is severely autistic. 24/7 needs and very physically aggressive. I think it would be manageable, but am I being unreasonable to take away time/attention/finances from first child by having two. And would it be unfair on second child to be limited by first child’s needs?

That's terrible are there no local charities for children with disabilities in your LA?
My son is also non verbal very challenging etc but he's goes to a special need holiday club and weekend club and we also get two overnight respite a month ( it's taken years though ) he's going this afternoon and he loves it as they spoil him rotten.

Yes, there's some support. But at the end of the day she's the person there every single day until it gets to the point she has to consider residential care. And I don't think she is anywhere near that point. She's accepted this is her life now and is doing all she can to give herself and him some sort of life. It's basically her job now which isn't exactly how most people picture their life when they think about having children.

Of course no one is guaranteed anything - you can have a child with any number of struggles or disabilities and of course you could end up in a situation like that at any point in life through just bad luck... but it's true that people already dealing with these sorts of challenge, and knowing they are more likely in a second/third/fourth child have a harder decision to make.

I wouldn't magic away my children's autism away as it is a massive and intrinsic part of their personalities. Their hyper focus on interests has led me to do things and visit places that I'd never have considered. My world is richer for that. Their unique ways of seeing things is fun and informative. I've even learned so much both about myself and realised I'm also ND. Without autistic ways of learning we'd have so much less technology, art, music, scientific discovering etc etc.

What i would like to magic away is the anxiety, the sensory overwhelm, the social isolation etc. But thats a different thing entirely than wanting to get rid of the autism.

I’d get rid of my autism and dyspraxia if I could. No hesitation and I make no apologies for that.

I can live independently but it makes my life considerably harder than it has to be and I can see no advantages to having it.

Personally I find pro autism groups/forums incredible ableist as they don’t want to hear from people like me who don’t see it as a superpower and who aren’t happy about having it. I’ve had to leave groups and forums because I see it as a disability that’s detrimental to me, not in a positive way. They become an echo chamber where only a certain type of autistic person is welcome.

I don’t blame parents for wishing their child’s autism away. Why on earth would they or anyone want something that more often than not makes their and their child’s life harder? Life is tough enough.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on how they feel about their autism but for me it’s a real pain in the backside and as far as I am concerned I am so much more than my autism. It doesn’t define me. It’s just one aspect of who I am and one that I could do without.

They're not incorrect labels though. All high functioning means is that you don't have a learning disability. With Classic autism (not keen on term low functioning but respect parents who may choose to use it to express their child's struggles) there is a a learning disability.

That's the difference, learning disability vs no learning disability - and while a teen with high functioning ASD may be more likely to self harm and be at higher risk of suicide than an NT teen, those challenges are completely different from the challenges of a parent with a child with classic autism.

High functioning doesn't mean and never has meant that you're just fine. But it does mean you can definitely speak, you're probably not trying to run naked out the front door at any given chance and you're almost certainly not smearing your own shit up the walls. The whole inclusivity, spiky profile, asd umbrella wokeness is like lumping people with a headache and a migraine in together and saying they all have a migache - it does all of them a disservice because their needs are actually really very different.

I have one with Asperger's syndrome OP. He is an older teen now and is ever grateful that he never had a sibling. Having seen the impact having a very disabled sibling had on my ex husband and on friends kids, there is no way I would consider it in your shoes. Your DS might love babies but does he love them when they're screaming? What about when they're screaming in the middle of the night? What about when they want to play with his toys? What about when they're demanding your attention and he really wants you? What about when they don't 'go away' after an hour or so? What about when he really wants to pull their hair and he's not allowed? For me it would be a definite no.

High and low functioning arent grbrrally used any more. That's because functioning covers a whole load more than just learning ability.

You could have someone who is autisitc with a learning disability that functions well - has a job, relationship, content etc.

Equally you could have someone who is autistic without a learning disability who can't leave their home due to anxiety, loses functional skills due to burnout etc.

How well you can function isn't defined by having LD or not. Hence those terms were pretty meaningless.

Does classic autism mean with learning disability though? DS has ‘classic’ autism and no such learning disability

I’d absolutely go for a second one.
When I was pregnant, I worked in a special needs school with autistic kids. People who worry here it’s unsafe, think about all the pregnant staff work in those settings every day. Yes, it isn’t ideal: it can be scary at times if a child has a meltdown or gets physical. But you’ll know what to do to keep your belly safe, and with experience you learn how to manage those situations. It’s not life-threatening, just something that takes extra care.

From what I’ve seen, most families I met had more than one child. I can only think of one mum who had more than one child on the spectrum.

Strange given the genetic link. All 3 of mine are autistic and I do think it’s far more common than not.

@JeffRedd If you are prepared for 2 children like this, just go for it. I've seen different outcomes so unless it's a known genetic condition, noone can tell for sure if the 2nd child will have the same condition.
One dr told me that he recommends women to have another child because a healthy child can help her feel joy. But I would do it only if I knew that SEN of the 1st child was due to birth trauma.

The only known cause is genetics

Some of us are more likely to be Autistic because of an underlying condition

I have a sibling with autism and the sibling relationship has been really beneficial for them. High functioning autistic people can have a hard time forming relationships, so in my family the built-in sibling relationships have been a blessing even through adult life

Having Autistic dc in 3 different special schools, I would gave to say your experience is very unusual.

Most families I have met over the last 15 years have multiple dc with needs.

I would not risk it

I know 2 families with healthy 2nd child.

In one family, 1st child had brain injury at birth, another family still doesn't know the reason of microcephaly, but they would see it on the scan second time.

I don't know her health so can't say she will ot won't become unwell. Having a child with additional needs is bloody hard and as op said her home is set up for her first born, what if second has different needs, would first cope with say having to move. I have 4dc and all have different needs, my youngest is autistic, adhd and has touretts and other things but copes brilliant, if I'd of had a child with a physical disability after him and needed to move for whatever reason he would of really struggled. We would of coped as I'm sure op would but if planning another babe it's worth considering. It's impossible to know what ops life is like or going to be and I think her weighing up her options is a brilliant idea. The broodiness won't just go away and I with op the best

I have an older autistic child who has full time 1:1 support in school and is minimal speaking. I also have a younger autistic child who is what people would describe as ‘high functioning’.
I was pregnant with second before I could see the ‘signs’ with older one but I still would have had another and I’m so glad I did :)

I'm well aware if that thanks being the parent of a severely autistic teenager myself but anyone could become unwell or have a child with other disabilities it's not mote likely to happen to the Op.

I've known people who've had to go on longterm sick due to being pregnant and working in settings where they were at risk from physical harm. Sadly you can't always keep your 'belly' safe from attack in these settings.

And frankly, keeping your belly safe at work with other staff around is a different kettle of fish to keeping a baby or toddler or small child safe, at home, when they are with their potential attacker the majority of the day. To put any child through that is just unconscionable. All children have a right to be safe at home.

My older DC really dislikes her sibling. Both autistic. She’s disliked her since she was born. You say the aggression is directed at the caregivers but there’s no guarantee that your dc will want a sibling. The crying really upset my older dc. Their relationship hasn’t improved. She really dislikes her younger sibling. And at 15 and 12, their relationship is unlikely to get better.

I think you need to carefully consider the outcome for this potential second child. Whether ND or NT having a high needs sibling will have a significant impact on their childhood.

How you will cope in the future, whether the possible future child is ND or NT. Do you have the mental, as well as physical, energy and resilience, and the financial stability to meet the needs of both children? You don’t mention your partner, but children with severe needs do place additional pressures on a relationship. All things you need to be sure of before going ahead.

There is no guarantee that if your second has severe needs that they will be similar to your eldest’s needs. They could be totally at odds and you need to be able to cope if your current set up does not work for that child. Or if they are ND/have SEN, what if they are less severe than your eldest, but still need a lot of input- which you will struggle to give, from the sounds of it.

You also need to carefully consider the well-being of your second child if they are NT. Inevitably, their needs will come second to you eldest on a regular basis, even with the best will in the world. My cousins were those children (now both adults)- though in this case the eldest has severe disability due to complications at birth. He has limited communication, essentially a 4, possibly 5, year old in terms of cognitive/emotional development, but a large and physically imposing man who is prone to physically and verbally aggressive outbursts. His younger brother has a very complicated set of emotions surrounding his brother, and his parents- he loves them and can acknowledge that his parents tried their best to do the right thing for them both, but they did not succeed in meeting his needs very consistently. Totally unconsciously much of the time, but sometimes in the full knowledge that he was getting the shitty end of the stick- either because they had few choices, or because his needs were deemed greater, or they couldn’t deal with another melt down/ tantrum/ aggressive outburst as they were frequently physically and/or mentally exhausted.

He has a strained relationship with his parents, they aren’t especially close and he doesn’t want a guardianship/formal role when it comes to the future care of his brother. There is hurt and resentment there. My aunt and uncle are very saddened by this, but nothing changes what has happened.

I know not all siblings end up feeling sad and resentful, but many do. Personally, I would not chose to bring a second child into this situation. I doubt I have the resilience to make it work for both children/us as a family. I would not want a child to experience what my cousin did, and I am not sure I could guarantee that. If you are very sure you can do the absolute best by your current child and any potential children you have, then consider it.

I mean, it sounds like you’re already set on it but no, I wouldn’t do it. Honestly, it sounds like you’re prioritising your desire for a second child over the needs of both your first-born and any potential future baby. It’s selfish. I’m sorry, YABU.

As a second sibling of an autistic elder brother who was and is violent I would say stick to one. I had a horrible frightened childhood, walking on eggshells and even now as my parents are long dead I have the responsibility for my older brother which means my entire life has been limited.

I wouldn't do it.
It might work out while DC are small but they will grow and their needs will change.

Your baby will turn into a toddler, then a child and eventually a teenager before they are an adult. It's a huge responsibility to guide a child to adult hood.
Your autistic child will grow, their equipment will get bigger, their awareness and frustration will change and before you know it they have grown into an adult that weights more than you.
(Imagine this x2...)

You don't know what the future holds, all the care plans in the world are just that: plans.

Economically, politically and socially we are heading towards very unstable times.