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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

206 replies

Edddie · 17/08/2025 13:01

I am living with an eating disorder that is largely anxiety driven. A big problem for me is eating in front of other people, and feeling judged when I eat or for what I eat.

I am now at a point where I can eat socially. If I am out for a sit-down meal with other people having a meal then that’s ok - but I wouldn’t order a starter/dessert when others weren’t. I wouldn’t pick up canapés that are circulating, I wouldn’t grab food from a buffet… I don’t eat in front of people if others aren’t eating. I’ll have small portions, “healthy” foods and small bites to avoid being judged. DH is very aware of these things.

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

This immediately (rationally or irrationally) makes me feel like the fat, gluttonous, awful person. But I also feel extremely anxious - especially with DH’s friend there. I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH. Then I’m left spiralling over whether DH’s friend, and the waiting staff and other customers are thinking I’m rude for not eating it or gluttonous for ordering it or judging me for everything.

I feel as though, given that DH knows how I feel about food and eating, he should’ve told me that he was no longer having the cream tea.

OP posts:
Evaka · 17/08/2025 13:04

Very inconsiderate of him if he understands your ED as you have explained it here. Probably just a thoughtless moment though?

All sounds terribly difficult for you, and I hope you continue to recover.

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 17/08/2025 13:04

I do think it was a dick move on his part to suggest then to cancel his own order without telling you. I get you and I'm sorry you were put in this position.

No one was judging you but with your rational brain you know that. 💐

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 17/08/2025 13:05

Yes he should have told you. I would bring this up with him.

It must be very difficult for you both.

FMc208 · 17/08/2025 13:08

It was a bit inconsiderate but honestly your ED is your own to manage.

CrumpledBlouse · 17/08/2025 13:09

Living with someone with an eating disorder is absolutely exhausting and difficult. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to manage. What are you doing to work on getting to a better place?

Firefly100 · 17/08/2025 13:10

I hope I would have the courage to say. ‘Oh dear, I really don’t like to eat if no one else is eating - it’s a foible of mine, to DH friend and then suggest we all share it.
Dah was inconsiderate, you should not have to compensate for him

WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2025 13:10

I don't even have what you had and I'd find that really awkward especially given that it was his idea in the first place.

FanofLeaves · 17/08/2025 13:12

FMc208 · 17/08/2025 13:08

It was a bit inconsiderate but honestly your ED is your own to manage.

She is managing it, she’s set out her terms and boundaries as to what makes her uncomfortable. One is eating in front of others especially when no one else is.

DH was inconsiderate and roughshod over it.

DoRayMeMeMe · 17/08/2025 13:14

Try to take a deep breath.

I understand the feeling of castigating yourself as Fat Gluttonous and Awful. But on reflection, using your intellect only Are you fat? (almost certainly not). Are you gluttonous? you ate (probably less than) one portion sold in a shop. Therefore not gluttonous. Are you awful- well you are being really horrible to yourself when you could choose to be kind. But presumably you don’t say this about other people.

Fat/Gluttonous/Awful really feels like it could be a mantra for you? Is it one of your regular self-insults. Why those words?

MuddyPawsIndoors · 17/08/2025 13:15

It was a bit of a weird thing to do full stop to be honest.

Are you getting help for your ED?

ForeverPombear · 17/08/2025 13:15

CrumpledBlouse · 17/08/2025 13:09

Living with someone with an eating disorder is absolutely exhausting and difficult. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to manage. What are you doing to work on getting to a better place?

It's very obvious by the OP that she's working on it.

Tbh I'd have hated that as well and I don't have an ED.

Snorlaxo · 17/08/2025 13:17

He could have at least asked for a doggie bag so the food could be taken home.

yanbu to think that he should have told you.

PullTheBricksDown · 17/08/2025 13:18

If he is otherwise helpful and considerate about your ED, I'd give him a pass for this. You might want to reiterate but kindly that in future it would be better to say 'now we've changed our plan I'll just double check that Edddie still wants the same thing'

CrumpledBlouse · 17/08/2025 13:22

ForeverPombear · 17/08/2025 13:15

It's very obvious by the OP that she's working on it.

Tbh I'd have hated that as well and I don't have an ED.

Show quote history

It’s not obvious at all. She indicates that she’s in a better place than formerly at the moment (‘I’m now at a point where I can eat out socially’), but it’s not clear whether this is because of hard work in therapy or an ED therapeutic programme etc, or whether she’s just in a better patch. I still maintain (as someone with disordered eating) that it’s the ED person’s responsibility to manage their own condition, and not expect someone else do do the thinking around food in public for them.

FanofLeaves · 17/08/2025 13:26

CrumpledBlouse · 17/08/2025 13:22

It’s not obvious at all. She indicates that she’s in a better place than formerly at the moment (‘I’m now at a point where I can eat out socially’), but it’s not clear whether this is because of hard work in therapy or an ED therapeutic programme etc, or whether she’s just in a better patch. I still maintain (as someone with disordered eating) that it’s the ED person’s responsibility to manage their own condition, and not expect someone else do do the thinking around food in public for them.

Show quote history

To an extent yes but would you say that about any other recognised mental health condition? Ie ‘oh yes Julia is clinically depressed but that’s all on her to manage really, no one else is going to make any allowances to help her get through it’

Idontjetwashthefucker · 17/08/2025 13:28

I dont have an eating disorder and I'd be annoyed at him, I wouldn't want to be the only one eating. Did he say why he changed his mind? Was it done to try and get you to eat meaning he tricked you?

DiscoBob · 17/08/2025 13:29

Please don't worry. It's great you're able to eat with others. I'm in recovery for ED and I would never eat a cream tea alone! While others sat with no food. Or any meal really.

You could've just asked for it to be boxed up. Or maybe just tasted one or two small bites, then just leave the rest. I know it's hard though. Don't force yourself.

I can understand you'd be a bit annoyed as your husband was the one suggesting the cream tea. Did he order something else? It's not the sort of thing you just think oooh I fancy that. Then suddenly you don't.

He should've said he wasn't having one then you wouldn't have ordered. So next time just say 'yeah, but ONLY if you're having one'.

But don't worry. Just try and think of how to handle it should it happen again or avoid it happening.

Letstheriveranswer · 17/08/2025 13:29

That was weird and kind of rude of your DH. That is like walking past a pub, deciding to go in for dinner, then everyone goes up and orders but by the time they come back they have decided not to eat, leaving the person watching the table as the only person awkwardly eating. Anyone would feel awkward in that situation.

On top of the social faux pas of your husband doing that, he was thoughtless because of the additional pressure you feel due to your ED.

MargaretMarch · 17/08/2025 13:40

I have no issue eating in front of others but I too would have found this awkward and been unhappy that he changed his mind and didn’t say until after ordering. When you’re out as a group with other people your choices have an impact on them too e.g. if they’re not having the cream tea are they planning on having something else later instead? I’d prefer to have been given the option to all eat together later rather than just have a cream tea on my own and that’s without any of the issues linked to your eating disorder. I hope you’re feeling OK and your health continues to improve Flowers

Original poster
Edddie · 17/08/2025 13:42

Yes, I am getting help.

I agree that it’s for me to manage. Doing so requires honesty. It’s on someone with diabetes to manage their condition too - if someone lies to them about whether a drink contains sugar or sweeteners then they can’t effectively manage their condition as well as if there were honesty. It’s on someone with an allergy to manage that, but it relies on people being honest about what allergens a food contains. It’s on someone with a fear of dogs to manage that but if they phone a pub and the pub says they aren’t dog friendly and then they turn up to find that the pub is actually dog friendly and hadn’t been honest on the phone, they can’t properly manage their anxiety. Someone with photosensitive epilepsy (which I also have) cannot manage that condition when venues aren’t honest about whether a performance uses strobe lighting…

I was hindered in my responsibility to manage my condition by DH changing plans and not telling me.

OP posts:
MoveOverToTheSea · 17/08/2025 13:46

Edddie · 17/08/2025 13:42

Yes, I am getting help.

I agree that it’s for me to manage. Doing so requires honesty. It’s on someone with diabetes to manage their condition too - if someone lies to them about whether a drink contains sugar or sweeteners then they can’t effectively manage their condition as well as if there were honesty. It’s on someone with an allergy to manage that, but it relies on people being honest about what allergens a food contains. It’s on someone with a fear of dogs to manage that but if they phone a pub and the pub says they aren’t dog friendly and then they turn up to find that the pub is actually dog friendly and hadn’t been honest on the phone, they can’t properly manage their anxiety. Someone with photosensitive epilepsy (which I also have) cannot manage that condition when venues aren’t honest about whether a performance uses strobe lighting…

I was hindered in my responsibility to manage my condition by DH changing plans and not telling me.

👏👏👏
All of that.

Id add that when you actually care for someone, you dint want to cause them distress. Which he did.

What did he say afterwards? Was he apologetic (I’m 100% sure he will know as soon as you have him your cream tea - that I assume he ate?) or is he acting as if nothing happened!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 17/08/2025 13:47

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

Never mind the ED, I would find that astonishingly rude of anyone, and I am a person who likes my food.
The discussion led to the agreement that you would all have a cream tea. DH and his friend went to the counter, and came back with just one tea for you.
(Not sure what was happening with the DC as you don't say - did they get anything ordered for them?)

Eating out is supposed to be a shared social experience. How is is shared or sociable if they opt out at the last minute, without you knowing, leaving just one person to eat alone?

Really, really rude to put anyone in that position.

Original poster
Edddie · 17/08/2025 13:51

EuclidianGeometryFan · 17/08/2025 13:47

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

Never mind the ED, I would find that astonishingly rude of anyone, and I am a person who likes my food.
The discussion led to the agreement that you would all have a cream tea. DH and his friend went to the counter, and came back with just one tea for you.
(Not sure what was happening with the DC as you don't say - did they get anything ordered for them?)

Eating out is supposed to be a shared social experience. How is is shared or sociable if they opt out at the last minute, without you knowing, leaving just one person to eat alone?

Really, really rude to put anyone in that position.

DCs stayed with me (and dogs) at the table. DCs had a little pot of ice cream each, which DS had asked for.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 17/08/2025 13:53

It's been asked a couple of times but can't see an answer..did he say why he'd changed his mind?

tripleginandtonic · 17/08/2025 13:55

Just order what you want to eat. Your mental health is nit someone else's problem, even if they are your spouse. He's not the bad guy in this because he changed his mind.

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