To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

[Edddie]

I am living with an eating disorder that is largely anxiety driven. A big problem for me is eating in front of other people, and feeling judged when I eat or for what I eat.

I am now at a point where I can eat socially. If I am out for a sit-down meal with other people having a meal then that’s ok - but I wouldn’t order a starter/dessert when others weren’t. I wouldn’t pick up canapés that are circulating, I wouldn’t grab food from a buffet… I don’t eat in front of people if others aren’t eating. I’ll have small portions, “healthy” foods and small bites to avoid being judged. DH is very aware of these things.

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

This immediately (rationally or irrationally) makes me feel like the fat, gluttonous, awful person. But I also feel extremely anxious - especially with DH’s friend there. I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH. Then I’m left spiralling over whether DH’s friend, and the waiting staff and other customers are thinking I’m rude for not eating it or gluttonous for ordering it or judging me for everything.

I feel as though, given that DH knows how I feel about food and eating, he should’ve told me that he was no longer having the cream tea.

He most certainly is the 'bad guy' for changing his mind at the counter (along with his friend) without OP knowing or giving her a chance to change her mind, thus leaving her to eat alone while two other adults watch, in a setting which is supposed to be a shared sociable event.
That is just plain rude. It would be rude to anyone, ED or not.

My daughter has an ED and one of her 'things' is like you OP- feels like a greedy guts if she eats and others don't. So she won't eat. I know this about her, so I would never do what your husband did, it's incredibly unsupportive. So you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Good on you though for continuing working on your ED and now being able to eat in social settings! That's a huge step.

The kids were eating. So you weren’t alone. Do you not take your kids out for something sweet as a treat without your husband?

I would imagine that the friend changed their mind and your husband had a moment of panic over what was more rude; leave the friend as the only one not eating or also skip the cream tea since you could enjoy yours with the kids. In your eyes, he made the wrong choice. Did they still get cups of tea or coffee?

Look, he must be exhausted always having to eat if he knows you’re hungry because otherwise, you won’t eat. It’s not fair. You need to sort this out so if your therapy isn’t working then try a new therapist. No one else is the room cares about you. No one. You could probably faint over the table and most people in the restaurant would ignore you. No one else cares about you; frankly, you’re not that important to the wait staff or strangers having their own meal 🤷‍♀️.

You wanted the cream tea so eat the cream tea. I guarantee that not one single person in that place remembered you the second after you walked out. You’re eating habits just aren’t important to anyone else. Your husband is usually good at helping you manage this? Then cut him some slack because it’s exhausting having to manage another adult who can just eat a scone when they want one.

She has an eating disorder. That's kind of the whole point- it's a disorder.

As someone who is impacted by someone who has health conditions that revolve around most aspects of life I would say if your DH is otherwise decent then give him a break.

I see it from his side. It's extremely exhausting to live with. A odd slip can be forgiven. Its ok for him to change his mind about something too. Your ED and your thoughts are not his fault.

Keep working on yourself but be prepared to forgive when things don't always suit you.

And to all the other posters who have who don't have EDs but still have issues when people change their minds or have issues being the only adults eating...you all have problems.

But did they both order nothing? Not even a drink @Edddie? Can I just check a 'cream tea' is just a cup of tea , scone with cream/jam?
I was thinking full onnafternoon tea with sandwiches, cakes and everything with the talk of doggy bags.

You weren’t the only one eating the Ice cream though, the children were too.

Was he ‘testing’ you?

WTF?

Who does that - suggests stopping somewhere to eat, goes to order it, changes their mind at that point?

That is weird, and whilst I no longer have a particularly big issue about eating in front of people I am very close to if they're not eating, it would still throw me off as it is fucking weird!

I get you @theunbreakablecleopatrajones and I understand why it has upset you. However...

I've been on a long weight management journey (health related), mostly with eating low carb and no sugar (lots of healthy veg, eggs, meat though) and some intermittent fasting. dh is long tall and lean, also very sporty. He has never had an issue with weight, nor has anyone in his family with similar genes. Added to that, I'm the food person in our house, I do the meal planning, the shopping and the cooking. (dh is the laundry and ironing person - tasks I hate). So dh knows in a day-to-day sense that I won't have pasta, or bread - although I buy / cook it for him, but he has no interest in or understanding of the science of nutrition. He wouldn't know a refined carb from his elbow.

Over the years I have become completely comfortable with my approach - although at times the planning of what I was / wasn't eating was thought consuming, maybe even obsessive. I'm now easy with going out for 'coffee and cake' and not having any cake, I've learnt to assert my own priorities. But I would never want to stop anyone else from having what they would like - that would make me feel bad, like I was imposing my choices on them.

dh still doesn't really get it [sigh]

We might be out for a meal and the serving person asks if we want to see the dessert menu. I never do because I don't eat refined sugar. But if I say 'no thanks' dh will also say no. But if I say 'yes please' and hardly glance at it, dh will usually choose something, and is happy that I have a herbal tea. Or if we're out for coffee he'll ask if I want to try some of his cake. Or he'll offer me a slice of pizza. Or he'll suddenly notice that I haven't eaten any breakfast (don't eat breakfast 90% of the time).

I think food, nutrition, the psychology of weight management and eating patterns are so far from the the forefront of his mind that he simply gets it wrong sometimes.

I understand that your eating disorder is different, but if dh is supportive and helpful most of the time, and tries, then you might need some other strategies for the times when thngs do go awry. e.g. in that panic situation could you have been the one who also said you'd changed your mind - ask the others if they wanted some after all and if not, you ask for a doggie bag. Do you have someone supportive that you could discuss alternative strategies / tactics with?

I don’t have an eating disorder and I would hate that too, try to get past what happened now though with a sense of achievement for how far you have come because you managed a situation that you found uncomfortable. Think back to where you used to be and be proud.

DH needs apologise, as he was in the position of driving, seeing tea shop & declaring he wanted to stop there.
Personally, in this situation I’d have made DH eat half the scone/s.

You would have MADE someone eat something they didn’t want to?

Really 'made' him eat it? I hope that's a joke. Can you imagine op saying her dh made her eat the scone?
I don't think he could have done anything right, come back to rhe table and say 'changed mind, don't want it now, do you still want a scone?' That would have been seen as awful 'we don't want one, but YOU will" ? Should they have ordered the scones even if they didn't want one?

Oh and MAKE the friend eat the other half? 🙄

I totally understand how this must of made you feel.

If he is genuinely supportive and helpful most of the time it may have just been a mistake on his part. My DD has an ED - started when she was 15, she is now an adult. It is an awful illness, and we have watched her suffer, whilst doing everything we can (on the nhs and privately) to help her recover.

As her main support and carer, I am exhausted - trying to support, all the appointments, the refeed programme, working full time plus extra (so we can afford care), looking after our other children etc…. what this all means is that I mess up, I sometimes say things that aren’t helpful, I may cook a meal that isn’t okay (for my DD). I am human and I do get it wrong - and I could kick myself afterwards- because I love DD and would do anything to help her.

I am wondering if mostly he is a kind, caring person - was this a ‘mess up?’ he got it wrong and didn’t quite know what to do in-front of his friend?? I would talk to him about this though and perhaps plan together what would happen if the same thing were to occur again.

If he generally isn’t supportive or caring towards your wellbeing, then this is a bigger conversation about what he did and how he made you feel.

I hope you carry on, on the road to recovery ❤️

Totally baffling that your husband did this. Surely he would know to cancel your order if he was cancelling his? Was it just a blip as his friend is distracting him and he’s lost focus? Maybe he panicked a bit and didn’t know what to do for the best.
Equally I hope in the future you have the confidence to say “Actually I don’t want this anymore either. Anyone else want a bit?”

This.

I have experience of living with a sibling with anorexia and it was indeed incredibly stressful - eggshell walking 24/7 and being screamed at and called a disgusting fat greedy slob who'd stopped her being able to eat that day when I unknowingly ate something she'd planned (inside her head, without telling anyone or doing anything to indicate it) to have half of as her sole meal that day, constantly being jibed at verbally as fat, greedy and disgusting if I ate anything when she was around, or indeed sometimes just for existing, but simultaneously also told constantly that everything was alright for me, nobody needed to worry about me and I couldn't understand what it was like to not be happy - hard to live with when you're a teenager yourself.

Nothing the OP says compares to that - I'd bet almost nobody would genuinely be happy to be put in the situation the OP described, although most people without an eating disorder would be able to call the husband out immediately for being socially clueless and thoughtless, and insist everyone share the single cream tea.

Really though who does that? The husband was colossally thoughtless in the context of knowing his wife's eating disorder, but it would have been awkward for 99% of people to be presented with a cream tea and watched eating it by people eating and drinking nothing. Weird of the husband.

Have you considered that maybe he was just trying to get you to eat something? My youngest has had an ED, and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but honestly it was exhausting. I felt like our entire life was arranged around our DD's eating rules.

It sounds like you need a lot more support if you have DC that are watching this.

Agree it’s odd they both changed their minds. Wouldn’t have taken a minute for him to go back to the table and say to the OP they weren’t eating anymore and check whether she still wanted to order.

I would have felt uncomfortable everyone sat there with nothing or a small ice cream and I have a cream tea alone. It’s just courtesy to have told the OP.

Sounds like there is more to it.

At least the kids were eating too which makes it slightly better, though with your history it does seem inconsiderate for him to completely change his mind. He could have at least said he wasn't as hungry as he thought and wondered if you would share, therefore you would still both be eating. Seems a bit thoughtless that he didn't think of you in this situation, unless he doesn't think it's an issue anymore and that you are recovered.

I feel for you OP that seems very weird to decide at the counter they didn’t fancy it. Was it particularly expensive and your DH didn’t want to pay for two?

Does the children eating not count? If the children were also eating, I too would also have rationalised that you wouldn’t be eating alone.

Why should he have to eat if he doesn’t want to?

Wow, that’s a caring thoughtful viewpoint. So if someone you loved was triggered by something, you would just do it anyway as it’s their problem??